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• NY Subway Ad Campaign Tells Women "Abortion Changes You"

March 12, 2010

• Feminists Calling Out Misandry When They See It

March 4, 2010

• If you’re a sex worker who likes her career, and if you talk

March 8, 2010

I don’t remember the exact context of the first time that Mr. Vanilla said this to me. I just remember that, as with subsequent utterances, it has produced significant comic relief.

It has become tradition now that whenever I complain about anything (an ache or pain, too many papers to grade, the state of public discourse in civil society) that Mr. Vanilla helpfully offers a nice boob grope to cheer me up and get my mind off my troubles. Increasingly, I’ve been taking him up on the offers.

Let me tell you. He is a nipple teaser of the highest order. Strong hands, long fingers, and a seemingly hair-trigger grasp on the finer nuances of applying pressure.

In my life, my nipples have been tortured, caressed, clamped, sucked, and licked. This is the first time in my life that they’ve been anything to write home about, though.

It seems, however, that he has a direct buzzer from tits to clit in the form of my nipples. So, if I haven’t been entirely clear in my answer to the question posed in the title, “Yes, it helps greatly.”

Engaging in successful poly relationships is definitely a challenge. I don’t think I knew just how much I had learned from them until I was happily back entrenched in monogamy. So, here are the things I’ve learned from being poly that I will carry with me for my entire life.

1. Passive-Aggression Will Get You Nowhere
Not saying what you mean, or saying it coyly, or saying the opposite doesn’t work in group communication settings. Guess what? It doesn’t work one-on-one either. I have this streak in me and I now try to nip that tendency in the bud ASAP. The best part of saying what I mean? Not having to get mad at someone that is technically following instructions I give them that are the exact opposite of what I want.

2. Watch Out For Your Needs
This might be more a function of the specific quad I was in but I think anytime your energy is getting stretched across multiple partners, it is easy to give too much. It isn’t selfish to figure out who you are and what you need and ask for it. If you are monogamous, getting all your relationship needs met falls onto the shoulders of one relationship. Be realistic but still aim high.

3. Pettiness Can Be An Important Indicator
The number one question that poly people are asked is how they handle jealousy. The number one reason people give for avoiding poly is thinking that they can’t deal with the jealousy. When I was poly I experienced jealousy and I don’t think it was always a bad thing. It retrospect, it was a red flag for other feelings of insecurity. Next time you are ready to dismiss a feeling you’re having as petty or irrational, give it another few moments of life. That doesn’t mean communicating with your partner in a petty or irrational way. It means stopping for a moment and digging into how it feels. Pain in your solar plexus? Stress? Even tears? Your body will lead the way in helping to diagnose this anxiety. Letting yourself really live through it will stop if from eating away at you. You might even find out how to talk about it and let it go.

So, the last several months I’ve been keeping pretty busy working and travelling a lot. I’ve worked out an arrangement where I get trips to fun cities to stay in nice hotels and dine at fabulous restaurants for free. When I’m not seeing the sites or relaxing, I’m making love to a sexy man in the gorgeous hotel room that I didn’t pay for. Even better, I finish up these excursions with a bit of pocket money to show for my time.

No, I didn’t finally manage to become a high-priced call girl. I’ve actually been working as a freelance hotel evaluator. People will tell you it is super hard work to discourage you from getting involved in the industry but, honestly, it has been pretty fucking easy for me so far.

I’ve been quiet because, as sidelines go, blogging just wasn’t doing much for me. And there are some pretty nice perks to the pastime but my landlord still refuses to accept rent in the form of gently used sex toys.

But last night as Mr. Vanilla and I laid in an antique four poster bed appointed with super luxurious down pillows and comforter, we started discussing this blog. In the next few months, it will be 5 years old. So many of my favorite writers are gone. There are so many new faces that it is mostly a blur. But I am thrilled to still have dear friends from this space. And I’m having the best sex of my life so I figure that I ought to be chatting about it again.

Several evenings ago Mr. Vanilla shared dinner at home with some friends and after seeing them off wandered back to his office where the music for the evening was being loudly piped into the house. We had been stealing kisses all evening and had stumbled upon privacy just as an insanely danceable and fun song from the most recent Nick Cave album came on. He grabbed me and we danced.

I felt, in turn, silly, sexy, joyous, and elated. The good music persisted with some wonderful Northern Soul showing up on the playlist. We danced with no regard to how we must have looked because no one was looking. I know he looked sexy and fun and like someone I was hoping to laugh with and feel this unashamed before for a long time.

The sloppy kisses and coy glances then gave way to Frank Sinatra. What I’m about to describe could have been cheesy and insincere. But it wasn’t. He pulled me close, looked in my eyes, and sung me a love song. And I started off blushing and giggling but then I gave up those pretenses and just basked in what seemed to be sincere admiration and love.

I could write about the intensely intimate sex we had that evening. But, you know, every boyfriend I’ve ever had has fucked me. None have ever serenaded me before.