Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert

Fun Times at Dark Odyssey Fusion

Tuesday
Jun 28,2011

I’ll flesh out more of these details in subsequent posts. However, here is an incomplete list of all of the things I did at Dark Odyssey Fusion :) Let me know if there are specific ones that you want to know more about!

Thursday:

  • Got settled in and ran into old friends.
  • Demo bottomed for Murphy Blue in his Sexable Shibari class. Can you say rope dildo?
  • Attended a BDSM for Bigger Bodies class that was moving and inspiring.
  • I meet up with a play date for some fire. She graciously offers to end our scene by giving Mr. Vanilla a tutorial on fire and he proceeds to light me up. We bought some fire torches of our own the next day.
  • Mr. Vanilla and I fed each other fruit, wine, and chocolates at the Temptation in the Garden of Eden party. Then we fuck on a comfy Liberator zepellin lounger.

Friday

  • Take in a rope class with Sir C called 5 Fast Functional Ties.
  • I went to Mollena‘s Taboo Play, and Working Through Extremes class. She is just as awesome of a presenter as I’ve always heard.
  • After lunch I jump in the pool and a water edge play class is going on. I wander up and get drowned. It is a hot rush.
  • We attend Graydancer’s Slow Rope, Hot Knots class. He is a great teacher and manages to execute the demo really well despite his pants falling off and cutting himself half way through it.
  • At dinner, I host a blogger meetup which is attended by a handful of people including: Graydancer, Amethyst, Jade, and Passional.
  • We meet up with a sexy friend from home that is also a camper. Mr. Vanilla gets to experience his first threesome. We do a summer campers/counselor themed roleplay.
  • We end the night by bartending at the Chain Reaction party a black light dance party. By the end, my feet are covered in liquor and mixers and I’m exhausted.

Saturday

  • After breakfast, I have a hot rope scene with Murphy Blue. He uses a crotch rope to great effect.
  • We attend a punching and deep impact class. This is my favorite kind of impact play and this class breaks it down very clearly and provides some new techniques.
  • We attend the Kink County Fair and end up buying a violet wand from Scott.
  • I get the chance to serve as a demo bottom for Midori’s Hand and Foot Bondage class. She puts a pretty painful to walk on foot tie on me and has me wander around the room.
  • I meet up for a hot punching play date. The dungeon is too hot so we stand in the grass.
  • After dinner, I meet up for a knife play date. It starts off slow and sensual until it is interrupted by my kidnapping.
  • My kidnapping is intense so I cry for awhile after it. The aftercare takes up the rest of the night. Mr. Vanilla is so remarkably amazing at taking care of me.

Sunday

  • We are some of the few people that make it to Sunday morning classes. It was worth it for Sir C’s Nurturing Your Inner Evil Genius class.
  • We are much too eager to try out our new violet wand so we head to the dungeon and play a bit. Then, Mr. Vanilla gives me some *amazing* oral sex.
  • In the afternoon I attend a class on Dirty Talk  by SherynB that is similar to one I’ve taught in the past. I got a lot of great new ideas.
  • After dinner we meet up with friends for smores and chat around the camp fire.
  • I wander down to the Machine vs. Machine fucking machine event.
  • Mr. Vanilla and I head to the dungeon and do a scene together. We get to break in our new violet wand a bit better.

Monday

  • We pack up and get ready to head home.
  • We start talking about maybe trying to come back in August for Ropecamp.
  • We finish camp by attending Lee’s closing circle. I cry a lot.
  • As I’m leaving closing circle, I stub my toe badly, ripping the toenail and we need help from the medic.
  • On the way home from camp, doing 80 on I-95 just South of Richmond, Virginia, Mr. Vanilla asks me to marry him and I agree.

To say the least, I took a lot out of this weekend. I already knew I was attending the event with a partner who I wanted to marry but I got to arrive home from the event with the man I knew I would marry.

  • 4 Comments

    • Pleasurists #135

    • Author: Ellie
    • Filed under: Sex
    Tuesday
    Jun 21,2011

     

    summer lingerie by Miss-ElizabethRose 

    Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

    Did you miss Pleasurists #134? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #136? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday June 26th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

    Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

    Editor

    Scarlet Lotus

    On to the reviews…

    Vibrators

    Dildos

    Anal Toys

    Toys for Cocks

    Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

    BDSM/Fetish

    Adult Books & Games

    Adult DVDs & Porn

    Lingerie

    Miscellaneous

     

    Pleasurists adult product review round-up 

  • 0 Comments

    • 100 Things Redux

    • Author: Ellie
    • Filed under: Sex
    Monday
    Jun 20,2011

    In August of 2005, I wrote a post called 100 Things. It was a blogger meme at the time and I dashed it off without a lot of thought. I have known for awhile that I need to revise it based on 6 years of exploration and growth in my life. At the time I wrote it I was in my early twenties and dating my first boyfriend who I lost my virginity to. Things change so here is an attempt at a revision. I’ve left some of the original “things” and just changed them. Others are completely obliterated and replaced by new information.

    1. I am a woman femme.
    2. Who rarely wears makeup. But owns a lot.
    3. But has more than a passing interest in buying shoes. I’ve only bought 1 pair of shoes in the last 4 months. I don’t think that is excessive anymore.
    4. Although, handbags have never done much for me. I have paid too much for a few leather bags in my old age.
    5. I am a music snob.
    6. This is due to 5 years in radio.
    7. But I know my boyfriend thinks he knows more about music than I do. New boyfriend, new attitude, but Mr. Vanilla still has great taste.
    8. He probably does.
    9. I lost my virginity just over 3 9 years ago.
    10. I am 23 29 now.
    11. You do the math – subtraction is addition’s tricky friend.
    12. We planned it in a very responsible manner.
    13. Before losing my virginity I had kissed 2 girls.
    14. And 2 boys.
    15. One of those boys probably doesn’t count because it was during Spin the Bottle when I was 13.
    16. It turns out that I am very orgasmic. I was still operating on the assumption that having an orgasm at all counted as very orgasmic. I know much more orgasmic people now.
    17. I feel really bad for my friends that can’t get off during sex. Geez, I was a condescending twat.
    18. Sometimes I wonder if they aren’t trying hard enough. Hey, me from 6 years ago, fuck you!
    19. Or perhaps their boyfriends are just lousy in bed. Bitchy and heterosexist, nice one.
    20. If you haven’t caught on yet, my boyfriend is excellent in bed. Still true.
    21. I am Jewish.
    22. That doesn’t have much bearing on my life, but I think it turns my boyfriend on.
    23. And it means I call my grandmother “Bubbe”. She still hopes I’ll find a nice Jewish boy. I think she got over that hope, she just wants me to get married and start having babies.
    24. Okay, I officially feel creepy talking about my family on a sex blog. Well, I got over that when I told my Dad about this blog.
    25. I have a major thing for British accents.
    26. They are an instant turn on. This is dreadfully cliche.
    27. But it means that if you are British there is a strong chance I want to have phone sex with you. And if you have a few bucks a minute, I will also have phone sex with you regardless of your accent.
    28. I also have a thing for the neurotic type. This seems to cross over with the British thing. As well as the Woody Allen thing.
    29. I wrote a really bad poem about a neurotic guy when I was 17.
    30. I still haven’t stopped trying to hook up with that same guy. I stopped when he moved to the West Bank instead of finishing law school.
    31. I know fully well that it would be terrible sex, too.
    32. I come up with ideas for projects much faster than I can produce them.
    33. I never owned any proper lingerie before a few years ago my early twenties.
    34. Now I have an extensive underwear collection.
    35. My boyfriend calls them funderwear. I *do* keep dating men that have a penchant for puns. . .
    36. I think I have a nice ass.
    37. Folks seem to agree, especially the bums downtown. Did I really use the word “bums”?
    38. I really enjoy having my butt rubbed, it is soothing and relaxing.
    39. I have two cats. They have pretentious names based on literature.
    40. I am pretentious.
    41. This means that I can’t get turned on by stupid people.
    42. Or people that use netspeak.
    43. Things I am pretentious about include music, coffee, martinis, and film sex and cocktails.
    44. Things I am not pretentious about include wine and books.
    45. Although I still bristle at the idea of best sellers, I end up reading chick lit NPR recommended non-fiction when I am bored.
    46. It is the literary equivilent of pop rocks.
    47. Lately, I’ve been reading anything that Nerve.com recommends. I find it is a good way to read something sort of pervy without resorting to romance novels. Oh my god, how did anyone tolerate me when I wrote like this?
    48. A cheap romance novel was probably the first thing I ever masturbated to. TRUE FACTS!
    49. I wonder if it would still work? Probably.
    50. I go to graduate school. I teach at a University.
    51. It doesn’t seem to be as hard as everyone says it is. I’m probably just not working hard enough.
    52. I like being tied up.
    53. And being told what to do.
    54. I guess that makes me a submissive.
    55. I wish I had a larger bed. I have a King sized bed that was built by my sweetie!
    56. Dirty talk gets me really hot. I don’t get enough of it.
    57. You wouldn’t know any of this by looking at me.
    58. Apparently, my default facial expression isn’t very kind or welcoming.
    59. I have pedestrian rage, so when I walk down the street I tend to scowl.
    60. I do have a lovely smile, though. I’ve been complimented on my dimples.
    61. I almost had a threesome once but I chickened out. Well, I got over that pretty handily.
    62. I really want to try again sometime with the right people.
    63. I shock my friends and even casual acquaintances by extolling the virtues of anal sex.
    64. I really am that passionate about it!
    65. In my opinion, it helps to have a partner that is willing to receive as well as give.
    66. Also, lots of lube! Put some on, when you have enough, add more!
    67. I think I would make a good advice columnist.
    68. I have been reading Savage Love since I was 15.
    69. I just got contacts recently. I hate putting in contacts. Poking myself in the eye is a hard limit.
    70. And now everyone is noticing that I have pretty eyes. It is a nice ego boost. Whatever, my glasses are hot.
    71. I mentioned to a few friends that I am tracking when men check out my chest. Now my friends are pointing it out to me as well.
    72. For being so interested in music, I don’t listen to it often enough while having sex.
    73. Although, I did trick my boyfriend into making out to Boyz II Men once. He wasn’t pleased.
    74. By way of revenge, he gave me head while Bauhaus was playing.
    75. I pretended to be mad but I enjoyed the head way too much to care.
    76. I am very perceptive of smell.
    77. So, I often use different shower gels to remind me of people and experiences.
    78. Speaking of, showering together is over-rated. It seems like someone is always standing outsite of the water getting cold. You know, showering together is what you make of it.
    79. But, I have had my share of good experiences with it. They mostly involve blowjobs.
    80. I once met a guy that said he would give up sex forever if he could be guaranteed to have someone to spoon with.
    81. I kind of understand what he means – but I don’t think I could give up sex.
    82. I have attempted to buy sexual favors with Monopoly money.
    83. It almost worked.
    84. But, no dice. I still haven’t gotten to watch two men together. Been there, done that, would do it again.
    85. This is a pretty big fantasy of mine. Unfortunately, gay men, by definition, aren’t interested in helping me get off. Even if it is just watching. But queers of all flavors and sorts have helped me explore just plenty.
    86. I have also never given oral sex to another woman. I haven’t done it lately. . . I should remedy that.
    87. I think that lesbians are leary of me because I seem like a silly bi-curious girl am in an apparently het relationship.
    88. I guess I am. Nonetheless, they shouldn’t be so picky about free oral sex.
    89. I don’t understand cyber sex.
    90. Don’t try to explain it, you won’t change my mind.
    91. I have a lot of trouble finding good porn. I guess I need to actually pay for it. And you should pay for good porn too!
    92. I once shaved my pussy completely.
    93. It got very angry with me. So now I just keep things trimmed and shave the most pertinent parts.
    94. Although I will admit that I get lazy about it since I am in a long distance relationship because I am lazy.
    95. I rarely drink but when I do I get too randy for my own good. I frequently have a few drinks but almost never to excess. Drunkenness isn’t particularly sexy to me.
    96. I own several way too many sex toys.
    97. I have one small tatoo. I don’t regret it but it also doesn’t mean much to me anymore.
    98. I voted for Kerry. And Obama. Duh.
    99. I read about 20 35 sex blogs every day. And develop crushes on the writers.
    100. I secretly wish that some of them had crushes on me.

    I think the fascinating thing about blogging is that you present these snapshots of yourself and they just sit here. We tend to write in the present tense and then continue to evolve. I recognize that simply editing this list is, in itself, a disingenuous act because it is unlikely I’d start with many of the same ideas if I wrote 100 things from scratch again.

    What are some of the biggest things that have changed about you since you first began your sexual exploration?  If you’re a writer, do you have old work that makes you cringe?

  • 2 Comments

    • Sunday Morning

    Sunday
    Jun 19,2011

    Long before Mr. Vanilla and I lived together, we had been spending most nights in eachother’s beds. However, knowing that I get to wake up next to him virtually every day forever is still a thrill. It got me thinking of two favorite songs about Sunday mornings. Enjoy!

  • 0 Comments

    • What did I sign up for?

    • Author: Ellie
    • Filed under: BDSM
    Saturday
    Jun 18,2011

    Warning, this post may be triggering for people that are uncomfortable with BDSM fantasies involving kidnapping, rape, torture, etc. Please be warned.

    As I mentioned a few days ago, Mr. Vanilla and I are going to Dark Odyssey Fusion. I’m usually really bad about blogging about Dark Odyssey events after the fact so I figure I might as well talk about this one before it happens.

    One of the features of Fusion in particular is that there are staff members that are designated to orchestrate kidnappings for the attendees that express an interest. It is an opportunity to have a scene that flirts with non-consent fantasies and has an amazing surprise element built into it. I was intrigued by the opportunity, discussed it with Mr. Vanilla and proceeded to “apply” to be kidnapped. Knowing that he would be there as part of the team of captors gave me some leeway to explore darker sides of my sexuality. The kidnapping application asks us to “paint a complete picture” of our fantasy and this is what I wrote.

    I am imagining being taken unexpectedly and blindfolded so I don’t know where I’m going. I imagine experiencing intimidation, fear, and confusion. The people that have me seem to be strangers and I don’t know why they are taking me but they are hostile. When we stop travelling, they bind me into place and finally allow me to see my surroundings. They are stark, maybe even clinical. My captors are cruel and mocking. They are interrogating me for a crime I didn’t commit. They torture me to try to get information or a confession. They use painful techniques like slapping, punching, hair pulling. They threaten me with weapons. One may try to choke me. One of them rapes me orally or vaginally. Finally, I am brought to tears and, under duress admit to the crime I am accused of. They untie me and leave me sobbing on the floor.

    I wrote the above description quickly, without a lot of pause for contemplation. I was surprised by how easily it poured out of me. None of it seemed particularly extreme when I was writing it. Then I read over it again to proofread and be sure it is what I wanted to submit. I gasped at my own boldness. I so rarely articulate fantasy in this way much less one as violent as this.

    I called Mr. Vanilla to the computer so he could read over it. I wanted to make sure that he was still on board for being involved. Not only was he on board but he began communicating with the people in charge of my kidnapping and planning. Currently, he is teasing me mercilessly and dropping infuriatingly vague hints.

    I expect that this experience will not be fun in the traditional sense but will be quite fulfilling and cathartic. Depending on what my captors decide to do, it might be the most extreme play I’ve engaged in.

    I know some of you are into pretty hardcore stuff. How do you experience anticipation for scenes like this? Do you find yourself transported into the fantasy? Any bad experiences? Any advice on processing?

  • 4 Comments

    • Jaguar Harness from Babeland

    Friday
    Jun 17,2011

    I’ve tried a good handful of harnesses at this point in my life and the Jaguar Harness is at the top of my list thus far. First of all, mine is sexy black leather that feels gorgeous against my skin and slides across my hips and thighs in a most becoming manner. The quality and construction is phenomenal. I think it is really important to have a strap-on harness that makes you feel sexy. So many I’ve tried have been a bit awkward and that really makes a difference.

    The Jaguar will accommodate a variety of O-rings and also works with a double-ended toy. This was a big benefit. I tried it with the Feeldoe and it worked great. The Feeldoe is intended to work without a harness but I never had much luck with that. The Jaguar  was the perfect harness to keep it in place.  The three strap design also allows for easy access to my pussy while I’m using it with a standard dildo. That is never a bad thing.

    The leather cleans up very easily with a damp cloth and mild detergent. The metal fasteners were sturdy and have not shown any sign of rusting after several cleanings. Just use common sense and clean as you would with all leather products and the Jaguar should last for a very long time.

    Thanks to Babeland for providing this product.

  • 11 Comments

    • Dead Letter Office

    • Author: Ellie
    • Filed under: Blogs
    Wednesday
    Jun 15,2011

    This is a list of posts that have been sitting in draft mode in WordPress. Some for years.

    I look at this list and can see that some of them are obsolete, some are vague, and some are almost complete but just missing that last push for completion.

    1. Unwelcome
    2. Bloggers I Don’t Want to Fuck
    3. Sex Blogging and Acceptable Levels of Risk
    4. Twee BDSM
    5. Why I Sorta Don’t Ever Want to Be Fisted
    6. My 5 Desert Island Sex Toys
    7. My Take On Masculinity
    8. This Slut Can’t Be Shamed
    9. Kissing Girls, 5 Reasons Jill Sobule Beats Katy Perry
    10. Playing Hard to Get

    If you were me, which ones would you finish first?

  • 6 Comments

    • Pleasurists #134

    • Author: Ellie
    • Filed under: Sex
    Tuesday
    Jun 14,2011

     

    Bound on Reflection by boykitten

     

    Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. If you like what you see and want more of it be sure to follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

    Did you miss Pleasurists #133? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #135? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form to submit before Sunday June 19th @ 11:59pm Pacific.

    Want a shiny new toy? All you’ve got to do is enter.

    Editor

    Scarlet Lotus

    On to the reviews…

    Vibrators

    Dildos

    Anal Toys

    Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

    BDSM/Fetish

    Adult Books & Games

    Adult DVDs & Porn

    Lingerie

    Miscellaneous

     

    Pleasurists adult product review round-up

     

  • 0 Comments
    • Pages (59): « 1 2 3 4 5 » ... Last »

    About Ellie



    Ellie Lumpesse writes about sex, BDSM, relationships, non-monogamy, feminism, and rhetoric. In addition to blogging, she produces the Bedroom Radio sex podcast, is a phone slut for hire, and reviews sex toys.

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