I’ll flesh out more of these details in subsequent posts. However, here is an incomplete list of all of the things I did at Dark Odyssey Fusion :) Let me know if there are specific ones that you want to know more about!

Thursday:

• Got settled in and ran into old friends.
• Demo bottomed for Murphy Blue in his Sexable Shibari class. Can you say rope dildo?
• Attended a BDSM for Bigger Bodies class that was moving and inspiring.
• I meet up with a play date for some fire. She graciously offers to end our scene by giving Mr. Vanilla a tutorial on fire and he proceeds to light me up. We bought some fire torches of our own the next day.
• Mr. Vanilla and I fed each other fruit, wine, and chocolates at the Temptation in the Garden of Eden party. Then we fuck on a comfy Liberator zepellin lounger.

Friday

• Take in a rope class with Sir C called 5 Fast Functional Ties.
• I went to Mollena‘s Taboo Play, and Working Through Extremes class. She is just as awesome of a presenter as I’ve always heard.
• After lunch I jump in the pool and a water edge play class is going on. I wander up and get drowned. It is a hot rush.
• We attend Graydancer’s Slow Rope, Hot Knots class. He is a great teacher and manages to execute the demo really well despite his pants falling off and cutting himself half way through it.
• At dinner, I host a blogger meetup which is attended by a handful of people including: Graydancer, Amethyst, Jade, and Passional.
• We meet up with a sexy friend from home that is also a camper. Mr. Vanilla gets to experience his first threesome. We do a summer campers/counselor themed roleplay.
• We end the night by bartending at the Chain Reaction party a black light dance party. By the end, my feet are covered in liquor and mixers and I’m exhausted.

Saturday

• After breakfast, I have a hot rope scene with Murphy Blue. He uses a crotch rope to great effect.
• We attend a punching and deep impact class. This is my favorite kind of impact play and this class breaks it down very clearly and provides some new techniques.
• We attend the Kink County Fair and end up buying a violet wand from Scott.
• I get the chance to serve as a demo bottom for Midori’s Hand and Foot Bondage class. She puts a pretty painful to walk on foot tie on me and has me wander around the room.
• I meet up for a hot punching play date. The dungeon is too hot so we stand in the grass.
• After dinner, I meet up for a knife play date. It starts off slow and sensual until it is interrupted by my kidnapping.
• My kidnapping is intense so I cry for awhile after it. The aftercare takes up the rest of the night. Mr. Vanilla is so remarkably amazing at taking care of me.

Sunday

• We are some of the few people that make it to Sunday morning classes. It was worth it for Sir C’s Nurturing Your Inner Evil Genius class.
• We are much too eager to try out our new violet wand so we head to the dungeon and play a bit. Then, Mr. Vanilla gives me some *amazing* oral sex.
• In the afternoon I attend a class on Dirty Talk  by SherynB that is similar to one I’ve taught in the past. I got a lot of great new ideas.
• After dinner we meet up with friends for smores and chat around the camp fire.
• I wander down to the Machine vs. Machine fucking machine event.
• Mr. Vanilla and I head to the dungeon and do a scene together. We get to break in our new violet wand a bit better.

Monday

• We pack up and get ready to head home.
• We start talking about maybe trying to come back in August for Ropecamp.
• We finish camp by attending Lee’s closing circle. I cry a lot.
• As I’m leaving closing circle, I stub my toe badly, ripping the toenail and we need help from the medic.
• On the way home from camp, doing 80 on I-95 just South of Richmond, Virginia, Mr. Vanilla asks me to marry him and I agree.

To say the least, I took a lot out of this weekend. I already knew I was attending the event with a partner who I wanted to marry but I got to arrive home from the event with the man I knew I would marry.

Warning, this post may be triggering for people that are uncomfortable with BDSM fantasies involving kidnapping, rape, torture, etc. Please be warned.

As I mentioned a few days ago, Mr. Vanilla and I are going to Dark Odyssey Fusion. I’m usually really bad about blogging about Dark Odyssey events after the fact so I figure I might as well talk about this one before it happens.

One of the features of Fusion in particular is that there are staff members that are designated to orchestrate kidnappings for the attendees that express an interest. It is an opportunity to have a scene that flirts with non-consent fantasies and has an amazing surprise element built into it. I was intrigued by the opportunity, discussed it with Mr. Vanilla and proceeded to “apply” to be kidnapped. Knowing that he would be there as part of the team of captors gave me some leeway to explore darker sides of my sexuality. The kidnapping application asks us to “paint a complete picture” of our fantasy and this is what I wrote.

I am imagining being taken unexpectedly and blindfolded so I don’t know where I’m going. I imagine experiencing intimidation, fear, and confusion. The people that have me seem to be strangers and I don’t know why they are taking me but they are hostile. When we stop travelling, they bind me into place and finally allow me to see my surroundings. They are stark, maybe even clinical. My captors are cruel and mocking. They are interrogating me for a crime I didn’t commit. They torture me to try to get information or a confession. They use painful techniques like slapping, punching, hair pulling. They threaten me with weapons. One may try to choke me. One of them rapes me orally or vaginally. Finally, I am brought to tears and, under duress admit to the crime I am accused of. They untie me and leave me sobbing on the floor.

I wrote the above description quickly, without a lot of pause for contemplation. I was surprised by how easily it poured out of me. None of it seemed particularly extreme when I was writing it. Then I read over it again to proofread and be sure it is what I wanted to submit. I gasped at my own boldness. I so rarely articulate fantasy in this way much less one as violent as this.

I called Mr. Vanilla to the computer so he could read over it. I wanted to make sure that he was still on board for being involved. Not only was he on board but he began communicating with the people in charge of my kidnapping and planning. Currently, he is teasing me mercilessly and dropping infuriatingly vague hints.

I expect that this experience will not be fun in the traditional sense but will be quite fulfilling and cathartic. Depending on what my captors decide to do, it might be the most extreme play I’ve engaged in.

I know some of you are into pretty hardcore stuff. How do you experience anticipation for scenes like this? Do you find yourself transported into the fantasy? Any bad experiences? Any advice on processing?

I’ve been grappling with something over the past few months as I embark on a serious relationship with a woman for the first time. My femininity feels under fire by my own fucked up gender programming. The reality is that it doesn’t matter how much Judith Butler and Eve Sedgwick I read. It doesn’t matter that I have idols like Tristan Taormino, Lee Harrington, and Bear Bergman. It doesn’t matter that I love genderbenders and all level of gender fucking. I have some fucked up assumptions and ideas about sex and gender and sexuality that infect my ability to be as fearless as I want to be.

This is a confession of sorts but also a cry for help. I think about myself in reference to kink and sex and realize that I associate submission and service with being feminine. I associate beauty, weakness, and delicacy with being feminine. And I also realize that I am so terrified of being seen as anything other than feminine that I put up some strange defenses against this.

Case study A: Ariel

Ariel is my gorgeous girlfriend. She is beautiful and petite and has long flowing hair. She moves gracefully on high heels. She also has a powerful job in a male-dominated industry and changes car batteries and asserts herself aggressively in conversations. She looks high femme but has always thought of herself as butch. Still, when I touch her I sometimes feel huge, ham-fisted, rough, and all-together ugly. I know she longs for me and I fail her because I don’t know how to be. On the one hand, strapping on a pretty dildo and fucking her for hours sounds like pure bliss but I know that getting to that point will be full of second-guessing myself and my desires and my actions.

Am I being entirely heterosexist in my view of this sexual relationship? Abso-fucking-lutely! Because she is feminine, I feel masculine. (We won’t even get into the terrible fact that I associate masculinity [on myself!] with ugliness) I don’t want to feel this way. It isn’t enlightened, it isn’t sex positive. I wouldn’t teach it to my students. But it infects my reality and I don’t know how to deprogram it.

Case study B: Michael

[Note: This section has been edited for nuance. The lack it previously exhibited, though, is likely symptomatic of my issues with binary thinking.]

Michael is a petite man. We are the same height and I outweigh him significantly. When we first met I didn’t think the relationship would work because of this. I thought I would feel huge and be self-conscious and afraid. So I submitted myself to him. He felt like he was capable of being in charge and I let him be. Even if I couldn’t be delicate and small by comparison physically, I knew I could shrink myself mentally. It works out well that he has discovered enjoyment of beating me until I cry, pulling my hair, grabbing my throat. (Again we won’t get into how fucked up it is that my way of feeling feminine involves simulated victimization) Even when I am initiating sex with him, it feels like an act of service and devotion. He often gives me feedback on how to touch and where and when. I siddle up to him and slither a limb around his body. I kiss gently. The touches are a seduction and they are a worship and only in my most wanton and least self-conscious moments do I allow myself to be aggressive and take up space.

Taking up space

I haven’t really defined what this means to me just yet. You may have guessed some of it by now, though. I think of it in terms of physical space – my body is larger and I attempt to diminish that regularly. I also think of it terms of political space – my voice should be smaller, my needs should be less important, my desires should be locked away.

This might seem ridiculous to some of you that have met me or read this blog. Of course I take up space in terms of talking about sex. Here I am now with this presence on the internet. Blabbing, opining, discussing in detail, issuing edicts and judgments and ideas. But some of that strength leaves me when I’m making love to some of the people I adore most in the world.

I know that every relationship goes through growing pains and these are no exception, but this issue feels bigger and scarier and more about me being fucked in the head than any I have run into before. So, dear reader, tell me what you think. How do I get my theory to line up with my practice? How do I deschool myself of gender? How do I embrace femininity in a way that doesn’t make me need to masculinize others? How have you done it or how do you wish you could?

January – Jay and I started the year by celebrating our 2nd anniversary together. If you want to refresh on how we first met (and the aftermath of that) you’ll have to look back to January of 2006. We were in Thailand for half of this month and pretty depressed to back in the US again. So, you didn’t hear from me again until. . .

April – Where I attended Sex 2.0 and had a fire lit under me. I started a Twitter account, got involved with FetLife, and relaunched my podcast. I finally realized that I was part of a community and felt like I belonged.

May – I started reviewing products on my podcast and blog for VibeReview.

June – I spent a lot of time thinking about sex work in both text and audio forms. I also got sort of pissy and ridiculous about blogging and met Artemis Hunter for the first time.

July – I had my first freelance work published in The Naughty American and dug up some old camwhore shots. I also experienced a bit of heartbreak, but it turned out a great piece of writing if I do say so myself. I also got tied up by Artemis and finally hooked up with Carmine who had previously only been known as “cross-dressing law student“. Finally, I began publishing the Musings on Masculinity series.

August – The biggest news and one of the happiest days of my last several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much better.

September – I was named #5 on the list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008 among started a bajillion other projects. We also went to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp which was a watershed event for me despite the fact that I haven’t talked about it too much. I also presented at the Fetish Fair Flea Market and got to meet Catalina and Marky for the first time.

October – The posts slowed down and the earth stopped moving because something remarkable happened. We met Ariel and Michael and fell in love and my feet still haven’t touched the ground. At first I could only express the feelings in music. But. . .

November -  . . . soon I found more detailed words and images to express my thoughts. I captured the unique sadomasochistic relationship that Michael and I have developed as well as the experienced of being fucked by Ariel for the first time. And the sexy gave way to the mundanely profound as we found ourselves forming a type of family, broken hollondaise and all.

December – Ariel starts lending a hand with reviews and I think that the format suits this site. Jay and I also visited New York and saw tons of the friends that we met through the year. I also spent a sedate Birthday and Hanukkah at home with my new chosen family.

Cheap BDSM Toys is a pretty clever site. It is designed to identify the original uses of some toys that are sold for a high markup in many adult shops. According to the site’s main description:

Many sex toys are manufactured for other purposes. They can often be purchased for much less than the sex stores charge. Often the hard part is simply finding out what something is called or what it’s original use is. Once you know that, Google is your friend.

This is a growing repository of what sex toys were manufactured for, what they are called, and where to find them.

So, check out the site, you’ll be excited to find cheap versions of expensive toys and more than a little tickled by some of their original uses.

[via Rambling Newbie and Fetlife]

The warm water is pounding down on us as we stand facing each other. His hair isn’t quite yet wet and I can see the droplets of water accumulating slowly and persistently as he looks back at me. His hands are on my arms and his voice is insistent and forceful but entirely controlled. He lifts a hand to his own shoulder and tilts his neck welcoming me to his vulnerability.

“Bite me right here.”

The spot he has selected rests where there is strong muscle just beyond the clavicle. I look at it and then back at his eyes. He sees the fear I’m holding.

He isn’t a bottom on this transaction, he must remain in charge or else I feel that I’ll be lost and without needing to speak a word of that anxiety, he reassures me.

“I’ll tell you exactly how hard and when I’m done I’ll tap you on the back and tell you.”

I lick my lips in hunger and steal a kiss brushing past his lips as I slide my lips near the location he has designated for my teeth. The water is soothing but I don’t melt until I am nestled into his arms circling around me and holding me to him. One hand is firmly on my back, ready to signal to me when he is done with my bite. I wrap my arms around him as well, clinging to him and feeling weak and small, knowing the safety of this perfect place between neck and shoulder where I have been invited to rest.

I swallow and breath and open my lips. I bare my teeth to this soft place and bite. He relaxes into me and growls, “More.”

I give it.

Image from RopeRookie.com – Click to see the rest of the gallery.

I’ll admit it. I salivate a little when I think about rope on my body. We rope sluts are a peculiar breed within the BDSM world. Whereas many people complain and say that rope bondage takes too long, we see it as an end in itself. A brilliant exchange of energy and sensual connection.

The first time I played with rope was with Jay, neither of us really knew what we were doing but it still took my breath away. A few years later and we’re both getting better at the game. In the spirit of education we’re going to DomCon Atlanta this weekend.  We’ve both been asked to be demo bottoms for Artemis Hunter’s class on predicament bondage. I’ve bottomed for this class before and it was a ton of fun. I won’t give away any surprises, though, for those of you that plan on attending.

After the demo and day of classes, we plan to go play 1763 with some friends in Atlanta. Last time we were there was for Sex 2.0 and we’re hoping to make the most of the play space and equipment this time around. I have several hundred feet of great rope to test my skills on.

We have been home from Dark Odyssey Summer Camp for two weeks now and I haven’t said much about it. I’ve been processing my thoughts but I have a list of posts that I want to write about the experience. A lot happened there. I met Wendy, a longtime blog friend that is even more awesome when you get to see her in person. I got to spend time with my dear, sweet Viviane who is one of the most comforting and lovely people I’ve met in a long time. I also got to meet many new friends and take classes and workshops with remarkable presenters and educators.

Despite the plethora of experiences that I *did* have, I am going to start with one that I didn’t. A gangbang.

It was Sunday afternoon, laying around in the pool, that I got the idea that I wanted to have a gangbang. Just by merit of timing, the idea was already ill-fated but Jay tried to organize it for me. Needless to say, most people had pretty full dance cards and getting that many cocks to convene in one place at camp was, well, not going to happen.

But, in the spirit of better luck next time, let me tell you a bit about what I have in mind.

I want to be violated by multiple people in a way that is really quite beyond my control. I first got a taste for this during our playful threesomes with Ian. He and Jay often pin me down and tickle me and molest me. It is fun and sexy and I struggle, giggle, and moan. But what if I screamed and cried and begged them to stop? It could go either way. The reality is that I have two tall, strong men pinning me down and doing what they want to me.

I got to thinking that I really love this, the feel of my muscles straining against their power. Knowing that I can’t get away, can’t stop it from occurring. The ability to let go because there is nowhere else to go. Sure, I’m a rope slut and I like bondage of all sorts but actually being restrained by another person, unable to fight them off, is a totally different thing.

Suddenly the attention is divided. I can’t just think about the hand mauling my pussy or the teeth biting my nipples but instead have to focus on the fingers wrapped around my arm, squeezing tight enough to bruise. Or perhaps the knees pressed against my thigh, forcing my legs apart so that my unwilling wetness is revealed. And they can’t just focus on what they are doing to me, their animalism has to come out and it becomes just as much about the struggle as the sex.

The idea of multiple people making this happen for me, taking turns pinning me down and keeping my subdued while their companions touch me in every way they can imagine is an overwhelming urge. They can be faceless and nameless. I could be blindfolded or not. The details, the humans involved don’t matter. I am interested in arms and hands, mouths and cocks just as they should not be interested in me in this moment, just my sex, just what my warm and wet holes can offer them.

Fantasies like this are scary to some people. The lack of consent is alarming. There are feminists that would have some choice (or perhaps condescending) words for me. But it is mine and I own it. And I look forward, perhaps too eagerly, to the day that I can make it a reality.