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Jay and I went shopping today. The plan was to buy some new shoes but I ended up trying on bras and tops. I like what this one does for me. In fact I like it so much that I think I’ll go take some pictures with just the bra.

In literary studies there is a concept of writing “for the drawer”. It refers to writing that was done in a historical period or within a socio-political situation that did not allow for it to be published or even openly shared. Some of the greatest literary works produced in early Stalinist Russia were not published until 30-40 years after their initial inception.

People like Andrei Bely, Mikhael Bulgakov, and Anna Akhmatova had important things to say and vivid artistic expression that simply could not be expressed. Their ideas were not just unpopular, they were dangerous to the government. And, the simple knowledge of the existence of these writings would have been sufficient to cause them and their entire families to be imprisoned or killed. Writing for the drawer was a political reality and necessity.

People still write in this way today, but not for such dire reasons. The cloak of anonymity that most bloggers maintain is significant but sometimes even it isn’t sufficient. What if I told you that even on an anonymous blog, the community that exists is enough to cause some to self-censor?

If anonymous blogging is already writing for the drawer and this blog is a space for my most personal and difficult thoughts, then where do I write down the things that I can’t even say here? One solution is personal friendships. I have a friend that frequently sends me emails with pieces of writing and a subject line like, “I can’t blog this”. Sometimes he is correct. For social reasons or political ones or just “good taste”, he really can’t. Sometimes I convince him that he is wrong because I know his subject line is a challenge to both of us, of course he “can” blog it, but will he?

Me? I don’t even commit these dirtiest of thoughts to words in a publishable way. I may talk about them with friends or even allude to them on Twitter but the simple act of stringing words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs seems very risky and final to me. If I write and I don’t publish, I am admitting that the thoughts are unpublishable. And if I don’t publish the unpublishable, what am I doing here?

So, my challenge to myself and to every other reader, writer, and sexual being out there is to think about those controversial thoughts. The ones that are too provocative, too infuriating, too risky for even your anonymous self. If you’re brave, you’ll share them in the comments, if you’re braver you’ll commit it to posterity in some way.

I’ll be writing a series of posts that reveal these thoughts and ideas. They won’t be comfortable and they won’t be nice but they aren’t written in the spirit of burning bridges but rather in the hope of forging difficult and painful connections through honesty.

Goliath is an intimidating name for a dildo isn’t it? I guess “Perfect Silicone Cock That Fills You Up Just Right” was too long to fit on the package. But, that is how I feel about the Goliath. Is it big? Yes. I was actually a bit alarmed when I first saw it.

I held it up to Jay and asked, “Is this bigger than Ian?”

He raised his eyebrows and was clearly scrutinizing my ability to judge cock size. Then he snatched if from my hands and slid the Goliath into his mouth.

“It is a bit longer,” he declared, “but not as thick as Ian.”

I let out a sigh of relief and grabbed the lube.

The Goliath is the first realistic dildo that I have ever owned. Despite being a gorgeous, deep shade of iridescent blue silicone, it has veins and a head like a real penis. It is quite firm, when I hold it in my hand I have this urge to squeeze it really hard. And I do. And it doesn’t yield very much at all.

Do I need to mention again that being made of silicone is really important and makes the Goliath a brilliant toy that will last you for many years? That means that it is sturdy, allergy-free, and can be sterilized in boiling water. It is made by Tantus who are my favorite manufacturers of pure silicone toys.

But, there are some other good details. The Goliath is harness compatible, I can’t wait to try it out in my Corsette. Perhaps with Hania? It also comes with a bullet vibe that slips inside a small opening in the bottom. Silicone conducts vibrations brilliantly and the vibe is removable so that you can still clean the toy properly.

It is easy to get jaded on dildos and think that one is sort of the same as the one next to it. But the Goliath stands out among them. The shape is delicious and satisfying and the textures and materials feel like heaven.

Thanks so much to the folks at VibeReview for sending me great toys. You can get 10% off your order between now and November 4th with the Obama for President coupon.

Almost anyone that is into BDSM and sensation play has seen one of these spiky metal toys before but the rest of you may be a bit confused by it. Allow me to introduce you to the Wartenberg Wheel, a compact and versatile addition to your toy bag.

This pinwheel is stainless steel and has a spinning head with small needles radiating out from it. You can use it in a variety of ways depending on your partner and your own sadistic streak. Changing the amount of pressure exerted and the location of the wheel allows for drastic changes in sensation.

Jay and I tried it out on each other and played with pressure. It can range from tickly to downright ouchy and allows for a lot of fun sensations in-between. This toy can be a fun addition to a sensual massage, a bondage session, or it can be fun to sneak into oral sex. Try getting your partner close to climax and then firmly sliding this pinwheel up his or her thigh.

Many of my friends and acquaintances in New York are launching a new project, The NYC Sex Bloggers 2009 Calendar.

This project benefits Audacia Ray’s Sex Work Awareness Project, a very worthy cause. The people included are some of NYC’s best sex-positive writers, educators, and film makers and the calendar promises to be something special. Who are the models?

• Audacia Ray
• Desiree
• Diva
• Elizabeth Wood
• Jamye Waxman
• Lux Alptraum
• Mariella
• Rachel Kramer Bussel
• Riese
• Sinclair Sexsmith
• Tess Danesi
• Twanna A Hines

So, take a look at the project and consider ordering a calendar or a specially inscribed calendar day!

• I can’t believe how exhausted I still am after 10 hours of sleep. Holy crap I have a lot of email. #
• Google Reader just says 1000+. . . Thinking I should just mark all read and move on with my life. #
• Adding camp people to my Google Reader account. Reid Mihalko. . . so fucking dreamy ;) #
• I am completely useless. I have so many sex toys to get reviews out for. Tried some at camp ;) #
• I like that every time I look at the sunburn on my boobs I think of the fun I had in the pool this weekend. That was lovely. #
• And I have to say that sunburned nipples are not as bad as they sound. I have more sensitivity and they are hard all the time. #
• @scarletlotus Thanks babe. Yes, just slightly owie. My tan is fabulous - I was so naughty about not wearing sunblock but I don’t burn badly. #
• @amberlrhea Wow, seriously? Why? #
• @HisButterfly I just need a volunteer to lick them and blow cool air on them. #
• @writingdirty Nice! I hear there are some pretty beaches to photograph in the South ;) #

• @eternal42 won one of the vibes donated by @edenfantasys . Friskiest pet! #
• On the way home from camp and making a long toy wishlist! #

• Just finished a fun sensation scene that I co-topped with Jay. Later I am working in the "brothel". #
• The brothel was amazing. I can’t believe how much it was like phone calls with clients. #
• Spent much of the day so far lounging in the pool. Looking forward to Lolita’s class on ageplay in a bit. #