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This weekend Jay and I travelled to the Fetish Fair Flea Market in Charlotte to present a class on Kinky Phone Sex for Couples. We had a great time and met some great friends that we had previously only known online. Catalina and Marky were kind enough to open their home to us and we spent Friday night with them. I wish I could say that we had some hot sex to tell you about (I mean, I *really* wish) but we were all beat and after eating pizza and talking about blogs and sex and random kinky stuff we all got to bed pretty early.

However, Catalina and Marky are amazingly cool people and both brilliantly fun, smart, and sexy. Know how sometimes when you are meeting someone for the first time it can be weird and you get uncomfortable because they aren’t exactly what you expect them to be? Well, this was *not* one of those situations.

On Saturday they both attended my class along with a small group and I got to have a great conversation/workshop with some lovely people about how to improve communication in their relationships and share fantasies with phone sex. After my class, it was time to go shopping since that was what the Fetish Fair was about.

Jay and I saw tons of cool stuff from some great vendors but we were most swayed by the amazing assortment of canes from The Kink Shop. We picked out three pretty thick ones and I can’t wait to try them out.

Our friends Liz and Alex had come to see us at the Fetish Fair and after we got our canes, Liz ran up to me in a gorgeous under the bust corset. She hadn’t been wearing it when I saw her just a few minutes before and I quickly complimented her on it. So, just for kicks, she said she would show me the vendor she had got it from.

Bear in mind that I had absolutely no intention of buying a corset. They are certainly gorgeous but it seemed like a lot of money to spend on a single item of clothing. However, the owner of Passional was really lovely and sweet and cinched me into a few just to try them out. This brings me to my tutorial on how to get your boyfriend to buy you a corset. Just follow this simple procedure:

Step One: Try on corset and let boyfriend see.

Congratulations! You have just successfully gotten your boyfriend to buy you a corset. I wish I was kidding but Jay’s hand was on his wallet before I even made it to the mirror. Sure, it was a lot of money to spend but he rationalized that it was a gift for both of us. So, how does it look?  How about you tell me.

More pictures are right on Flickr.

So, I am known for my anger and rage that is directed at most dating sites. I don’t usually fare much better on social networks. However, I have an exception to that rule (as of this moment at least).

I learned about FetLife while I was at Sex 2.0 and I signed up when I got home. Honestly, I’m really impressed. Even really angry people are impressed.

The founder of the site is engaged with members and seems to go out of his way to make things work. The site is smooth, runs quickly and doesn’t have a bunch of useless features that no one uses.

Honestly, it just works and the people seem to work as well. So, join up and find me (username: ellie_lumpesse) and we can totes be friends in kink and depravity (as if we weren’t already!)

It is interesting, because I had heard of Brooke Marks before seeing this video. I thought she was probably a run-of-the-mill cute blonde with a website. Nothing more, nothing less. Then I saw this video of her lampooning the cam girl craze and I thought, “This chicky has a wicked sense of humor.” In the tradition of loving and lusting after people that are sexy enough not to take themselves to seriously, check out this video:

I think she is cute as a button and the “Babe Seger” part almost killed me! If you want to see more of her (being a bit more serious) here is a great free gallery of her pictures but her whole site is really worth the price of admission! She has several more hysterical videos - maybe I’ll post those another day ;)

So, in general most of us ladies aren’t big fans of pedophiles. I feel pretty confident speaking for my gender on that one. As such, we aren’t interested in romantic partners that are pedophiles. However, I assume that when guys are talking to me, since I’m not a young girl, they aren’t pedophiles. I know that isn’t perfect logic but there are a lot of other brands of creepy that I concern myself with before worrying about a potential mate being a pedophile.

This is why I was amused, nay, concerned when I was chatting with a dude that went out of his way to tell me on 3 separate occasions that he isn’t a pedophile. It would go like this:

Ellie: Some totally normal, mundane crap that I say to people. Not regarding pedophiles.
Guy: not a pedo here, trust me.
Ellie: Um, okay good.
Guy: i was just feeling u out. there are a lot of police knowadays looking for pedophiles and the life, and trust me, i’m not one, however, i guess i’m more or less looking for a relationship with a person my age
Ellie: Right. More crap that I say.
Blah
Blah
Blah
Guy: for pedophiles and the like…………………………………………
Ellie: WTF?

Then I blocked him. I think a preoccupation with pedophiles is enough to deter me.

I’ve been involved with college radio for 6 years and while the trademark of college radio is “dead air. . . um. . . dead air.” I’d like to think that I’ve still learned a little something about broadcast in that time. I don’t write this list because I think I’m doing things perfectly but because I’ve heard a lot of self-congratulatory and boring podcasts. So I’ve laid out the differences and similarities in podcasting and radio with some helpful tips that the old guard can share with the new.

Why disc jokeys have it easier than podcasters:

Captive Audience. The morning shock jock can piss people off and they will keep listening because of a lack of alternative choices. Podcast listeners do not need to be so forgiving. Unless you have carved out a niche incredibly well and have a huge market for what you are doing, your listeners are pretty mobile. Think of them like the friends that came to see your crappy college band (the theramin was a mistake) play at the student union when you were 19 - you can’t go all rock star on them. Now, this doesn’t mean you need to censor yourself from expressing controversial opinions. It means you need to censor yourself from sounding like a jackass.

Decent audio equipment. Only the most serious podcasters bother to invest in a fraction of the equipment that is available to radio DJs. That said, the best thing you can invest in is a halfway decent microphone perhaps tied with decent audio editing software. I’ve been doing my podcast without either (which explains why it isn’t good).

Legitimacy. It isn’t easy to get an FCC license. There is a certain assumption from listeners that if you are on the radio, you have some honest claim at being there (listeners assume wrong, of course, but this is about perception). Not so with podcasting. It is pretty painfully obvious that anyone with a microphone and some bandwidth can start a podcast. When the burden of proof is on you, you’ll have to do something special to keep your listeners. You’ll have to do something even more special to get high profile interviews.

Why podcasters have it easier than disc jokeys:

Fuck the FCC. FCC guidelines on obscene and indecent material go beyond the “7 Dirty Words” and cover all sorts of fun things that a radio DJ might want to talk about, notably sex. Podcasters don’t have to pay a damn bit of attention to this. And they aren’t!

Niche markets. Podcasts will come and go with the fads that inspire them. Some of the more popular ones deal with very narrow interests. The eBay lesson is being repeated time and time again on the internet and podcasting is the lastest instance of it. You got some shit, someone else wants that shit. Attract a wider audience by making sure that your shit isn’t shitty. Although, there still isn’t a coprophagia podcast that I’m aware of. . .

Personality. Being an internet star is all about a cult of personality (Hi, Mom!). Podcasters can gather devoted minions through their personality in a way that even the most devoted jocks can’t. There is an intimacy that is available in podcasting that can’t (and maybe needn’t be) reached in radio. That said, meglomania isn’t sexy and the best podcasters come off as gracious, confident, and calm. Steer clear of self-important diatribes and remember that no matter how many hits you get, you’re not going to be a household name anytime soon.

Editing. Podcasting isn’t live and that is a blessing. Podcasters get to write scripts, record and re-record, and edit their shows into slick packages. Beware of making it too slick or fretting over tiny mistakes. Treasure the natural cadences of human speech. But still become familiar with a decent audio editor. You don’t have to be going for professionalism to be concerned with quality.

Things I tell brand-new DJs that many podcasters could stand to learn:

Monitor your broadcast. Get some headphones and wear them while you record. This ensures that levels are constant and gives you a chance to hear what the mic is picking up instead of what your voice sounds like in your bedroom. The number one way that DJs I supervise make on-air bloopers is by failing to wear headphones, you’ve been warned.

Beware the co-host. The banter between two clever, intelligent people can be very charming and rivetting, especially for those two people. But, make sure you take a constant inventory of your conversations with a co-host. Is this a conversation that others want to overhear? Are you really that funny? Are your inside jokes going to fly for a listener that doesn’t know you? When I was Station Manager I actively discouraged co-hosting among new DJs because doing it well is so challenging.

Make a pop filter. I’m not an audio engineer nor am I a perfectionist. However, if you have trouble with your plosive consonants, grab an old pair of pantyhose and after you finish sniffing them, you can craft them into a neat home-made filter.

Don’t beg for attention. Until I started listening to podcasts, I thought 18-year-old DJs were the worst attention whores in the world. However, hearing people from all walks of life beg for emails, phone calls, votes, and frapprs has changed my opinion. Podcasters are more attention-starved than drag queens. And it is understandable. There is nothing wrong with wanting feedback on something you work hard on but please limit it to a few simple words, not the extended spastic whine-fest that many podcasters engage in.

If you are starting a podcast because you always wanted to be a DJ, I welcome you to the fold. Rest assured that podcasting is 10 times nicer than DJing but also much harder work. Enjoy your global audience and freedom. However, avoid slipping between the cracks and becoming more background noise. There a many more bad podcasts out there than good and the independently produced ones that are excellent are even more rare. Rise to the top by asking questions before you guess wrong and going in with a real plan. Or record yourself having orgasms, then you can break all of the rules.

I’m sure you’ve all been waiting eagerly to find out about my coffee date with The Prof. Well, I was waiting eagerly at least.

Let me set the scene. We met at a nearby coffeeshop that I frequent regularly. Occupants included a former DJ at the radio station and a current grad student in English. I quickly ignored my concerns - it is just coffee, right?

The first hour or so we talked about mutual interests (literature, music, teaching). I found him funny, engaging and attractive. Then the conversation turned to me and I feared that I would shock him with my sexual lifestyle and proclivities as I described this blog, my podcast, phone sex work, my relationship, and my preferences. I talked a lot, perhaps too much.

Finally, the conversation turned to the situation at hand. And the ethics and emotions surrounding it. I was somewhat amazed by his level of consideration and thought in the decision he was making. No apologies or excuses. Perhaps I’ll write an entry soon on the ethics of adultery because it is something I have been thinking about a lot. I left the coffeeshop knowing that the Professor was about to embark on a very personal and life-affirming journey. Like many risks, it is not one without selfishness. But, I was convinced of the purity of his motivations and the desire that lay behind them.

When I got home, J and I had a long conversation about my coffee date and continued to hash out and digest what I had witnessed and learned. I realized that the reason I date other people is just what the Professor described: excitement, trepidation, flirting, desire. I went to bed with a hopeful heart (not to mention some very dirty thoughts) after sending him an email letting him know I’d love to see him again.

This afternoon (when I was nearly done writing this entry) I received a reply. The Professor thanked me for my time and conversation, he shared that he had a lot of thinking to do. He also wrote that he suspected I was ambivilent and didn’t think we should see each other again.

I wish I could say I was shocked, but I’m not. I guess the awkward moments that I found to be pregnant with sexual tension were just awkward, afterall. Sometimes you jump in with two feet and get what you want, but sometimes those moments of hesitation and second-guessing can shipwreck our intentions. I’m not the type of woman who looks a man in the eyes and says, “I think I’d like to make love to you.” I also don’t think that this experience will make me become one. However, I suppose I’ve learned my lesson that candor and resolve can make all the difference. That lack seems to be the crux of my present disappointment.

I’ve never really been on a date before. My history with men and women is brief and the only dates to speak of have been awkward couplings for high school and middle school dances. At least 2 of them were gay anyway. You must be wondering how I have had a boyfriend for 3 years without dating him at some point. To be honest, we just sort of segued from not being together to being exclusive in a seamless fashion. Some making out seems to have facilitated it. There were no dinners or movies or anything of the like. Just kissin’ and then more than kissin’.

This realization has made me learn that I don’t know how to negotiate the territory of a date very well. I’m not really sure what is expected of me in such an encounter and I don’t know how to communicate my interests very well. Why do I need to know how to date when I already have an awesome boyfriend? Well, I am looking into finding other partners to have sex with. It seems like for most people dating is a pleasant prelude to bumping uglies. So I need to learn how to play that game.

Am I doing this all backwards? Are there any tricks I need to know? I obviously need to negotiate this differently than I would if I was looking for a relationship. Am I over-analysing?