Pleasure Tops from Babeland

This is a very unique toy that mimics the shape of a high-end toy like The Cone (which I haven’t tried but have always been curious about). As far as I can tell, though, Pleasure Top actually goes farther because it includes a well-engineered clit stimulating thumb on the side.

When I first got this item out of the box, it wasn’t immediately obvious how to proceed with it. The entire thing was smaller than I expected and I couldn’t quite imagine straddling it. However, I grabbed my Liberator wedge and placed the pleasure top on the corner of it. At this height straddling made sense again.

I was instantly happy I had been patient with figuring out this toy because it absolutely worked fantastically. I’m sensitive to vibrations and found that the slight penetration coupled with the perfectly-shaped clit stimulator was a winner and reminded me of some of my best experiences with the Rock Chick.

The Pleasure Top is made of phlalate-free silicone that has a great, cushy texture making it wonderful to rock back and forth on the toy. I also tried it on my back and liked it better than the experience of some rabbit vibrators I’ve tried. Overall, this is an economical and increadibly unique toy. If you think that you’ve tried everything, this is a new experience to have and there are a variety of ways to enjoy it.

*****
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I do a double take. My creamy, rich emulsion is distinctly separated. The butter floating on top and the rest settling in blotchy mess at the bottom of the bowl. My heart doesn’t really sink until my frantic whisking has no effect.

“The hollondaise broke.”

A few ears perk up. Jay has no idea what it could possibly mean for a sauce to break. Michael has some but no idea how to fix it. Frazzled, I decide to start another sauce and curse myself for breazily agreeing to attempt Eggs Benedict.

With some assistance in clarifying the butter, the second sauce comes together quickly. And just as soon as it is luscious and gorgeous, it, too is a mess. I get clever and decide to add some cream to bring it back together. Then I get desperate and decide to add a corn-starch slurry. Nothing works.

Tears are stinging my eyes and I feel my face flushed. I wonder if I’ve ever had a moment before when I was this embarassed. I dejectedly announce that there will be no hollondaise unless someone else makes it. I can’t breath very well and I feel tiny and incompetent and I wander to the back of the house where Michael is in the bedroom.

He sees the utterly stricken look on my face and tells me to lay down on the bed.

“I broke the sauce again and I tried to fix it. I failed.”

I know how dramatic I am making this seem but this feels like a real tragedy to me. I wanted to desperately to please everyone and have everything be perfect. I wanted to make them all love me. But, instead of generating this perfect emulsion, a culinary feat, I’ve destroyed an entire pound of butter and have a runny mess to show for it.

Michael is running his hands through my hair while I babble about my failure. He places a palm on my chest, covering my heart. This is a move that Barbara Carellas taught me and that I taught him and it doesn’t matter where it comes from, it makes my entire body relax. I breath deeply and listen to him speak.

“You know that Ariel’s sister doesn’t care if there is no hollondaise. And she already adores you. I know this because you make Ariel so happy and that is all she wants to see. Someone that makes her sister happy.”

I listen to his words, ones I already knew to be true but that bear repeating. The warmth from his hand is radiating through me now and I feel calm again. He kisses me on the forehead and asks if I’m ready to face the world again.

I am.

*****
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Cyberglass Felicity from VibeReview

Cool, smooth, and unyielding. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a slut for glass toys. I wasn’t always that way, I used to think they would be too hard or pokey or something would go wrong. But, the Felicity is my second glass toy and I’m officially a convert to all things super-hard.

The first thing to know about the Felicity is that it is beautiful. Just look at it! Beautiful clear glass augmented with pretty translucent blue. Those blue swirls and dots provide great texture that stimulates fantastically and makes you feel fabulous. Another great thing to note is that the toy can be used from either end, making it versatile and exciting. The nubby end made me feel full and rubbed against my g-spot in a satisfying way. The crooked end scratched just the right itch in just the right manner.

This is a toy that, when combined with a clitoral vibrator, has brought me to many happy and fulfilling climaxes driven by deep g-spot stimulation. Being glass, it is non-porous and can be fully sterilized so feel free to clean it up and share it with a friend or loved one. You’ll find that the Felicity becomes a trusted addition to your toybox.

*****
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When I met C in 2002 he was my destined to be my first for a lot of things. One of the fundamental pieces of our early romance was music. It was a love affair conducted via file transfer and mixtape. His excitement for me was carried with outpourings of new sounds and arrangements I’d never imagined before. I learned to use music to love and to share music as an act of devotion.

When C and I broke up, this left me in a peculiar place. Plenty of couples have a few songs that they consider “theirs” and of course those songs can, in turn, bring back either wistfulness or painful memories. The problem with my relationship with C is that music was such a big part of it (he a record label owner and club DJ and me being a radio DJ) that it wasn’t particular songs that reminded me of him or even particular artists, it was music itself.

Melody and lyric had been the language that we loved each other in and thus they were too painful to hear when I lost him. This might sound dramatic and silly but it was a reality for me. I was ruined on music for awhile. When Jay and I fell deeper in love I wanted to share it with him but painstakingly picking through my music collection was still too raw. Instead I brought an external hard-drive to his house and dumped a few gig of my library onto his computer and let him sort it out for himself. It was heartless and impersonal.

Finally, years out from my breakup with C, I am falling in love again. This time it isn’t bittersweet because Jay and I cling together, steadfast in our dedication to each other and our life together. He is my cheerleader in my new, fragile loves with Michael and Ariel. And I am, in turn, his. The greatest revelation has been that music has come back to me.

Driving home from visits to see Michael and Ariel, Jay and I found ourselves singing silly love songs at full volume. As I opened my heart to many loves, it opened to old and new melodies to express them in. Every song was about me and I’ve never been so grateful for being a trite cliche.

So, here is a mix CD that they got in the mail from me yesterday (a few tracks are missing because they weren’t on Grooveshark). It is a lot of silly love songs, inside jokes, swelling melodies, and love.

*****
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Fun Factory Paul and Paulina from VibeReview

I have had a difficult relationship in my life with rabbit-style vibrators. The first one I owned had perfect girth but the ears were a bit too firm and pokey and the pearls inside were awkward almost to the point of painful. The next I tried was the Lovely Rose which I very much enjoyed but it still wasn’t quite perfect. This time I fretted because the “ear” portion tended to slide around and not rest in the perfect spot.

So, when it came time to try Paul and Paulina I had a whole lot of hopes and expectations tied up in this toy. It is made my Fun Factory so I expected a lot and I found that Paul and Paulina really delivered. It is made of 100% silicone which is a rarity for these types of dual-stimulation vibrators and something that I really appreciated.

I found that Paul and Paulina seemed to deliver on what I was looking for in a lot of crucial ways. It is girthy, the speeds are quite variable, and the clit stimulation is significant and strong. I enjoyed this toy greatly. Unfortunately, I was still left feeling that I might find something more in a dual stimulation toy. The Paul and Paulina isn’t my savior but it has moved up to being leader of the pack.

*****
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“This feels amazing, darling.”

Her only response is an angelic smile and I suddenly feel grateful. Profoundly so.

I can’t say that her movements were like thrusts. We rocked together. Happy, content, clinging.

Jay’s hand is stroking my hair and forehead and Michael is behind Ariel caressing her curves and then. . . something more. As her reactions increase in intensity, I’m overcome with curiousity. I look up at Michael, trying to catch his glance but I find myself rocked by an intense thrust and lose track of my objective.

“What is he doing to you, sweet girl?”

Her lips are clamped shut and she is concentrating. When my voice breaks her reverrie she can only look at me with a look of concern and mild alarm. I wait patiently for a response but she just nods.

“Oh sweetie, please tell me what he is doing?”

My objective has just changed. I know I can ask one of the men for this piece of information but my new desire it to hear something filthy come from Ariel’s pretty lips.

Between gasps as the dildo slides into me, I keep enough composure to tease her mercilessly. Taunting her to speak.

“Is he playing with your pussy? Is he fucking you?”

By now the boys have figured out what I was up to and Michael helpfully suggests that she is speechless. I had noticed.

But, as the enormity of this moment sets in on me and as I felt my impending climax, I am suddenly happy for the silence. I cling to her harder, holding onto something about the particular, precious sliver of time and know that, despite her lack of words, she is speaking to me with grace, precision, and deep affection.

*****
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Fukuoku 9000 from Babeland

The Fukuoku 9000 is one of the Babeland All-Stars and a very popular personal massager with a cult following. It works quite simply and is designed to slip over your fingertip. The vibe includes 3 interchangeable sleeves with different textures.

As far as straight-up performance, the Fukuoku worked quite well. It has a surprising amount of oomph for such a small toy and while I was worried that the vibrations on my finger would be really intense, they weren’t unbearable at all.

Did I have any problems with the Fukuoku? None at all, it did the job and well. Still, I wasn’t overwhelmed by it. It is a really simple toy that is compact and meets the claims it makes. Slipping it onto my finger was a nice feature but not really something that I’ve worried about in the past. Despite quite adequate performance, I’m not sure that I see this toy re-appearing often in my play. If you are new to vibrators and want something simple for clit stimulation, though, this may be the toy for you.

*****
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“Bite me right here.”

The spot he has selected rests where there is strong muscle just beyond the clavicle. I look at it and then back at his eyes. He sees the fear I’m holding.

He isn’t a bottom on this transaction, he must remain in charge or else I feel that I’ll be lost and without needing to speak a word of that anxiety, he reassures me.

“I’ll tell you exactly how hard and when I’m done I’ll tap you on the back and tell you.”

I lick my lips in hunger and steal a kiss brushing past his lips as I slide my lips near the location he has designated for my teeth. The water is soothing but I don’t melt until I am nestled into his arms circling around me and holding me to him. One hand is firmly on my back, ready to signal to me when he is done with my bite. I wrap my arms around him as well, clinging to him and feeling weak and small, knowing the safety of this perfect place between neck and shoulder where I have been invited to rest.

I swallow and breath and open my lips. I bare my teeth to this soft place and bite. He relaxes into me and growls, “More.”

I give it.

*****
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The LELO GiGi from VibeReview

LELO is one of the few, cherished high-end sex toy manufacturers that lovers of excellent toys ooh and ahh over. I was sold on LELO when I tried out the Nea and was excited to try the Gigi, their insertable g-spot vibrator.

Right off the bat, I’ll admit that LELO toys come with a steep pricetag. But, what do you get for that price? A product that is more than worth it, I’d say. The Gigi is rechargeable and runs for several hours on a single charge. It has multiple speeds and functions from a soft flutter to a pulsating wave. The sensations available surpass those of an ordinary vibrator. Additionally, the Gigi is made of fantastic, body-friendly materials like silicone.

I found the controls on the Gigi to be ergonomically placed and easy to use even in the heat of the moment. The shape of the toy really hits the spot for me. I’ve tried some more intense g-spot vibes and they have their place in my life, but the Gigi is great for a slow, langorous buildup to an intense release.

I also found that the shape and the handle make the Gigi great little wand for applying clit stimulation to a partner. I recently found myself in the delicious position of pressing the Gigi against Ariel’s clit while Jay was inside her and she rode him on top. The handle is good about supressing some of the vibrations so you can focus on the nice feelings the head is providing instead of considering if your hand is about to go numb.

The Gigi is an impeccably designed creation that I am thrilled to have in my toybox. It is one of the ones that I grab without hesitation when packing a weekend bag. I delight in seeing the eyes of a new partner light up when I show them this lovely and functional toy.

*****
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I recently had the chance to try out the Cunnilingus Expert Kit from Babeland and I think that it provides a great selection of items to help you become a more effective twat licker. I wanted this kit because I was pretty worried about my technique and I was hoping to be illuminated and have some of my fears quashed. While I’ve received cunnilingus many times, I hadn’t given it too many and so this review is written from the perspective of trying to improve my own techniques and learn a few things about how cunnilingus idealy works.

What you get in this kit and what I thought of it:

• Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus by Violet Blue

I’m a big fan of Violet Blue’s sex manuals because they are written in very straight-forward language that isn’t just designed to give you the techniques but also to ease fears that may exist. This book is no exception and really seems suited to people with a variety of sexual experiences. Feeling like I am new to licking pussy, I appreciated a bit of hand-holding in relation to the concepts presented but it also seems that even seasoned experts would derive some useful information here.

• Orchid G vibrator

I’ve been hearing about the Orchid G for a long time and was glad to have the chance to try it out. While I haven’t gotten to use it on a partner yet, I was on the receiving end of this lovely wand. If you want straight-forward, no-nonsense G spot vibrations this is the toy for you. The shape is quite perfect and just the slightest twists and turns made it take me to new places. Of all the G spot toys I’ve tried this is the single one that has inspired me to really explore my G spot (as well as those of my friends!)

• dulce de leche Lickable Oil

I have to say that I was skeptical about this product. Babeland doesn’t put their name on crap so I knew it would be good quality but I was hung up on the name. Lickable. . . oil. I’m not usually a fan of flavored lubes or getting things like this in my mouth. Plus the promise of oilyness made it sound all the more alarming. However, this was a pleasant surprise because the oil didn’t spread across my mouth the way that I thought it might. That brings you down to a question of flavors. I’m usually not a fan of very sweet flavors in products like this and while the dulce de leche smelled just like it’s namesake, I probably would have prefered something more fruity and light. Still, if you like the idea of adding condiments to your partner before eating them up, this lickable oil is a good option. Just remember that it isn’t compatible with latex!

• Sliquid Green Apple lube

My comments about flavored lube have already been shared above. However, this stuff works really well. Sliquid is a quality lube and the flavor doesn’t bother me even if I don’t have a lot of plans to have it in my mouth.

• vanilla-scented Dental Dams

The dental dams were nice and thin and allowed for some very good contact with flesh. My personal sex practices admittedly don’t usually call for their use but they are very good to have around. Even if you don’t like using them for cunnilingus, you may find that you do like using them for analingus (and should! even with a fluid-bonded partner).

• batteries and Afterglow clean-up wipes

I’m sort of skeptical about special sex-toy wipes. These can be used on your toys or yourself and they worked just fine but I didn’t detect anything that set them aside from my standard package of baby wipes other than the price.

***

You save 25% when you buy these items together as a kit (it is basically like buying the Lickable Oil, Orchid G, and Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus and getting everything else for free). This is a fun kit that will get you set up for oral sex and many more good times.

I don’t have anything to say about what happened this weekend just yet. Really, it is that there is too much to say. Hopes, fears, phenomenal intimacy and a lot of sparks (both figuratively and literally).

Sigh. So I’m in this place where I can swoon and speak only in song lyrics and I’m so grateful for that. So in lieu of a play-by-play, you get a playlist.

*****
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VibroPod from VibeReview

The VibroPod belongs to a family of sound responsive vibrators that are designed to marry a love of music with a love of your own clitoris. Now, I’ve been thinking along these lines on my podcast for awhile now so I knew I had to give the VibroPod a try as soon as I got the chance.

The package comes with two bullet vibrators in different sizes that plug into a central control box. Your audio output device also routes through this box allowing the vibrations to be controlled by the intensity and volume of the music. I found that when the toy wasn’t being sensitive enough, I could just lower the volume to reduce total noise on the line and I would get a much more subtle vibration pattern. You also have the option with the VibroPod of using it as a standard bullet vibe without a sound source (other than your own ragged breath).

I tried it out with a variety of music and enjoyed the experience each time. After awhile playing with it, you develop a sense of what types of songs will work especially well.

So, the VibroPod has given me a lovely sense of what synesthesia must be like. I got to really feel the music and enjoyed it significantly. This is a unique toy that adds value to your music collection and can make a lovingly crafted mixtape all that more impactful.

*****
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Image from RopeRookie.com - Click to see the rest of the gallery.

I’ll admit it. I salivate a little when I think about rope on my body. We rope sluts are a peculiar breed within the BDSM world. Whereas many people complain and say that rope bondage takes too long, we see it as an end in itself. A brilliant exchange of energy and sensual connection.

The first time I played with rope was with Jay, neither of us really knew what we were doing but it still took my breath away. A few years later and we’re both getting better at the game. In the spirit of education we’re going to DomCon Atlanta this weekend.  We’ve both been asked to be demo bottoms for Artemis Hunter’s class on predicament bondage. I’ve bottomed for this class before and it was a ton of fun. I won’t give away any surprises, though, for those of you that plan on attending.

After the demo and day of classes, we plan to go play 1763 with some friends in Atlanta. Last time we were there was for Sex 2.0 and we’re hoping to make the most of the play space and equipment this time around. I have several hundred feet of great rope to test my skills on.

*****
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If there is one thing I’ve learned from watching Ellie review toy after toy it is that not all sex toys line up perfectly with every woman’s body. If men are anything like women (and we’re probably not) then it might explain why the Aneros Prostate Stimulator Massager didn’t live up to the hype.

I decided on trying the smallest model knowing only one thing thing about the Aneros, that it is made of hard plastic. Toys without any give scared me at the time. Now that I’m a fan of glass toys I’m not so worried about a larger Aneros.

I eagerly popped the Aneros out of the box when it arrived and read the instructions. Like a good reviewer I wanted to follow the instructions on the box exactly (I even used the provided lube packet). The instructions tells you to insert the Aneros and give it up to fifteen minutes to “settle into place”.

After a couple of minutes I couldn’t feel it inside (as the instructions indicated) I let Ellie try to arouse me and we began to masturbate together.

We stroked and writhed on the bed, and the Aneros stayed right inside where it was supposed to “move as the sphincter contracts”. I didn’t really feel the movement advertised as the “abutment” was digging into my taint something awful. I kept reaching underneath to dig it out of my skin so that I could focus on Ellie’s breasts.

According to the instructions when I finally orgasmed the toy was supposed to rock against my prostate as my sphincter automagically contracted. No luck on that either. Good orgasm, but nothing extra-special.

There are two things I’ve been able to come up with that might have enhanced the experience.

1.) A silicone covered abutment, or some kind of washable padding to prevent it from digging in so much.

2.) A slightly larger toy might have hit the right places. I’m not terribly familiar with my interior geography, but my hunch is that it wasn’t going far enough in.

On the positive side it cleaned up nicely and the shape was pleasing.

Overall I would give it a 2 out of 5.

I think that hearing about the Aneros for so many years and the hype of the ‘amazing prostate orgasm’ jaded me. I would be interested in trying another prostate massager for comparison purposes.

If you want to give the Aneros a try, or take a look at other naughty toys for girls and boys check out VibeReview.com

*****
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For a long time I knew that there was some fundamental lack of clash in the debate. An ideological space where the competing ideas could not be resolved because they are operating on different planes. Many radical and second wave feminists take a strong social constructionist view of gender and violence against women. Many sex positive feminists see this as lacking in nuance and denying the autonomy of individual women. But, that distinction has been on the table for a long time.

Today I started thinking about another one when I was reading this post of Caroline’s. She links to a blog where a very brave woman discusses her incredibly damaging and negative experiences in the sex industry. That woman believes that she is dismissed by sex positive feminists as being a “sad case” - that her experience is the exception and does not invalidate sex work. On the flip-side, many former sex workers that had positive experiences feel their voices are drowned out and silenced by radical feminists who claim they are apologists for the patriarchy.

The problem is that these arguments still aren’t truly clashing with each other. Two claims are being debated as if they are a single one even though they are neither directly related nor mutually exclusive.

Claim #1: Sex work is wrong.

Claim #2: There is something wrong within sex work.

The “within” is very important in that second claim. It distinguishes the idea that sex work is on face something to be rejected from the claim that there are problems in sex work that need to be remedied. I don’t know a single sex worker that would not concede the second claim. Of course there are individuals, perhaps even the majority of individuals, who are severely adversely affected by sex work. But, one claim does not automatically support the other because Claim #2 is a quantitative claim that describes a current problem whereas Claim #1 is qualitative and makes a value judgment. The material conditions of sex work can change and Claim #2 would be eroded but for those that support Claim #1, no change would be sufficient. By definition sex work is wrong and no number of pleasant personal experiences could change that.

So, yes, I desperately abhor the abuse and mistreatment of sex workers. I loath the deeply disturbing and violent treatment that sex workers face. As a separate issue I am, of course, concerned about the trafficking of human beings or the exploitation and rape of children that cannot consent to entering the sex trade. I can see all of these things and I can still say that sex work should exist and can be healthy. I can believe that it will never disappear and so it must be prepared, not just to make the best of a bad situation but to create joy out of a vocation that should be honored instead of denigrated. I honor the voices of women that have experienced pain or violence in sex work and I don’t think that they are tokens. But, I think that their experiences provide a backdrop for an important change and (r)evolution, not for a dismantling of an eternal system.

(Also, go read the 11th Feminist Carnival of Sexual Freedom and Autonomy)

*****
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Trying Universal Lube for the first time was a terrifying experience. I wasn’t worried about what it might do to my body. I basically trusted that VibeReview would never send me anything dangerous and that it would be a passable lube. But I was scared to death about what it might do to my silicone toys.

Traditional wisdom dictates that you do not use silicone lubes with silicone sex toys. The fact that they are made of similar materials triggers a reaction and can allow the lube to break down the materials in your precious silicone toys. So, even though silicone lubes can be awesome and a lot of people prefer them, most of us keep water-based lubes around for sex toy use.

But, Universal Lube is different. The name really says it all. It is a silicone lube that is designed to be safe with sex toys. I was a bit scared the first time I squirted it onto one of my favorite silicone dongs but I am happy to report that the toy came out unscathed.

Now that we’ve established that it didn’t fuck up my toys, how does it work as a lube? Pretty well, I think. It is thicker than most silicone lubes I’ve tried so that means that it stays in place. In general, this class of lube is more slippery than slick so you feel the lubrication in a more pure sense instead of just wetness. Depending on the situation, I love this because it preserves a lot more of the friction of sex while maintaining a safe and comfortable level of movement and lubrication.

I was also really please that the bottle is a generous size, inviting me to slather on as much as I felt like while I was playing. Many silicone lubes are incredibly pricey so this seemed like a great value.

If you like the feel of silicone lubes but get nervous about using them because they negate the use of your favorite toys, then Universal Lube is a must to try. You’ll find that it may become one of your go-to lubes because it will keep your options open in terms of toy choices and can be easily layered with water-based lubes to create new sensations.

*****
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This is a pretty demure photo for me, perhaps you’re wondering why? Well I sent my racy photos from this week to the Boobiethon. Go check it out and donate to this very worthy cause.

*****
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This interview is actually with a kinky, female, top who has been one of the most steadfast commenter on this series. Trinity (who has a brilliant blog) discusses how her BDSM role relates to her perceptions of masculinity and her own performance of it.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

Aware it existed? I don’t know, other than just a vague sense that men were threatening coupled with a vague sense that I wanted to do the things that our society said was sexually reserved for them. Feeling like I was an alien for being female and wanting those things. Wondering, years later, when I found a trans man’s website about sex, describing some of the things he did and wanted to do and how he did them, if that was me. Feeling like I’d finally found descriptions of sex and sexuality that fit.

I was more aware of femininity and how it didn’t fit, and how everyone either tried to convince me to fit it or called me “he.” I was very unhappy with either of those options. (I don’t so much feel uncomfortable with being read as male nowadays. I kind of like it. I wonder about transition, but I’m not sure I’d feel any more comfortable on the other end of the gender continuum than I do on this one.)

As far as really thinking about the word, not until a Women’s Studies class in college. The point was the social stereotypes of masculinity and femininity and how stifling they are, but I felt weird and attacked even though I understood. I felt like I was being described as this enemy to women, when as far as I could tell I was one. I didn’t like the word — as it was presented it described some pretty icky people, it seemed — but I liked what it was supposed to represent, and came to see myself as on the masculine side of androgynous.

Which I still do, and that’s part of why I wrestle with whether or not I qualify as “butch.” (That I’m queer but not a dyke — I tend to date men — is the other.) I dress in a way I’d call butch when I’m wearing clothes I feel good in, I fuck in a masculine way, I go by Sir in the leather community and wonder where the matron is when someone says Ma’am… but I wonder how much of that is sexual persona and how much is my essence. They’re definitely intertwined, but there’s a lot of kink in it all. Which sometimes makes me fear I’m trampling on the toes of people who have it harder, since they’re not “just” folks with a fetish.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I have kind of a love-hate relationship with the term. I use it because I still feel I’m a little too androgynous to be “butch,” but I’m not sure if I’m too androgynous to quite qualify as “masculine” either. “Masculine female” is the closest bad approximation when I’m trying to say that look, my sense of my gender and body and role and what I want from those things is not like what I see most women wanting.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I’m a stone (most of the time) top. I’d much rather penetrate than be penetrated, and while I don’t think that’s necessarily masculine (femmes with sparkly strap-ons under their skirts are yay, and no less feminine), for me it fits with my gender and my sense of myself in a way that I do think of as masculine.

While it may not be popular in Feministlund to say this, and I definitely don’t think it’s true of everyone, I actually do suspect that I was born this way. I knew from a very, very young age that what people told me females were designed to do sexually was wrong for me, and what people told me males were designed to do sexually was right for me. It caused me great distress as a young child, as I knew nothing about strap-ons or whatever else. I thought I was crazy, and tried desperately to try to make myself feel that bottoming sexually seemed natural and right. I was angry at my body for not being equipped to have sex right, though I didn’t think of myself as a boy.

Though I’ve also seen some references to studies that suggested that girls who had disabilities grew up to behave in ways considered more masculine as a way of coping with being impaired or sick. So who knows.

At any rate I think this is a part of who I am and not something that should be laid at the feet of society.

Despite the plethora of experiences that I *did* have, I am going to start with one that I didn’t. A gangbang.

It was Sunday afternoon, laying around in the pool, that I got the idea that I wanted to have a gangbang. Just by merit of timing, the idea was already ill-fated but Jay tried to organize it for me. Needless to say, most people had pretty full dance cards and getting that many cocks to convene in one place at camp was, well, not going to happen.

But, in the spirit of better luck next time, let me tell you a bit about what I have in mind.

I want to be violated by multiple people in a way that is really quite beyond my control. I first got a taste for this during our playful threesomes with Ian. He and Jay often pin me down and tickle me and molest me. It is fun and sexy and I struggle, giggle, and moan. But what if I screamed and cried and begged them to stop? It could go either way. The reality is that I have two tall, strong men pinning me down and doing what they want to me.

I got to thinking that I really love this, the feel of my muscles straining against their power. Knowing that I can’t get away, can’t stop it from occurring. The ability to let go because there is nowhere else to go. Sure, I’m a rope slut and I like bondage of all sorts but actually being restrained by another person, unable to fight them off, is a totally different thing.

Suddenly the attention is divided. I can’t just think about the hand mauling my pussy or the teeth biting my nipples but instead have to focus on the fingers wrapped around my arm, squeezing tight enough to bruise. Or perhaps the knees pressed against my thigh, forcing my legs apart so that my unwilling wetness is revealed. And they can’t just focus on what they are doing to me, their animalism has to come out and it becomes just as much about the struggle as the sex.

The idea of multiple people making this happen for me, taking turns pinning me down and keeping my subdued while their companions touch me in every way they can imagine is an overwhelming urge. They can be faceless and nameless. I could be blindfolded or not. The details, the humans involved don’t matter. I am interested in arms and hands, mouths and cocks just as they should not be interested in me in this moment, just my sex, just what my warm and wet holes can offer them.

Fantasies like this are scary to some people. The lack of consent is alarming. There are feminists that would have some choice (or perhaps condescending) words for me. But it is mine and I own it. And I look forward, perhaps too eagerly, to the day that I can make it a reality.