Comments on: This should have been the hardest thing to write, but it wasn’t http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/ Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:50:31 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: The Year That Was: 2008 In Review | Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20919 The Year That Was: 2008 In Review | Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:32:32 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20919 [...] several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much [...] [...] several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much [...]

]]> By: Rae http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20422 Rae Thu, 14 Aug 2008 02:30:02 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20422 Ellie, I cried when I read your letter. It is brave telling something like this to your family, not knowing their reaction. I don't sex blog at all, and I wouldn't want my family reading my blog. But you should be proud. And I'm proud of you for so many things. And this sex blog, while great, is just the tip of the iceberg about the things I love about you and respect and admire you for, and am proud of for you. I love you bunches, hope to see you soon. Hopefully the weather will cool down some more and we can dine al fresco at my "farm". xoxo -Rae- Ellie,

I cried when I read your letter. It is brave telling something like this to your family, not knowing their reaction. I don’t sex blog at all, and I wouldn’t want my family reading my blog. But you should be proud. And I’m proud of you for so many things. And this sex blog, while great, is just the tip of the iceberg about the things I love about you and respect and admire you for, and am proud of for you.

I love you bunches, hope to see you soon. Hopefully the weather will cool down some more and we can dine al fresco at my “farm”.

xoxo
Rae

]]> By: Desiree http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20394 Desiree Tue, 12 Aug 2008 07:21:02 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20394 Good for you. Isn't it funny how we think we have our parents figured, and then they surprise us by acting in ways contrary to what we expect? Good for you.

Isn’t it funny how we think we have our parents figured, and then they surprise us by acting in ways contrary to what we expect?

]]> By: la petite http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20392 la petite Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:29:29 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20392 Wow girl, you've got some gumption to do this and I'm so happy for you that it went well. You're great. : ) When I first started this blog, my mother saw it on my laptop and went to the url later that day. She really had a break down over it and started to question the girl she thought she knew. It was hard at the time but since, shes forgotten about it so its better now and I think she respects me as an adult now, all be it a little one. ♥la petite Wow girl, you’ve got some gumption to do this and I’m so happy for you that it went well. You’re great. : )

When I first started this blog, my mother saw it on my laptop and went to the url later that day. She really had a break down over it and started to question the girl she thought she knew.

It was hard at the time but since, shes forgotten about it so its better now and I think she respects me as an adult now, all be it a little one.

♥la petite

]]> By: Rogue http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20390 Rogue Mon, 11 Aug 2008 01:59:08 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20390 Go you. Go you.

]]> By: Viviane http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20387 Viviane Sun, 10 Aug 2008 18:57:25 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20387 I saw the Twits as this happened. It sounds like you have a really wonderful relationship with your father. that he honors and respects your choices. I couldn't have ever told my parents and my sister doesn't know about this part of my life. I saw the Twits as this happened. It sounds like you have a really wonderful relationship with your father. that he honors and respects your choices. I couldn’t have ever told my parents and my sister doesn’t know about this part of my life.

]]> By: narrationbyd http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20384 narrationbyd Sun, 10 Aug 2008 03:33:53 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20384 I'm so damn proud of you, Ellie. No wonder you are such a wonderful person, with at dad like that. Congratulations, and you should be proud of your accomplishments. I’m so damn proud of you, Ellie. No wonder you are such a wonderful person, with at dad like that. Congratulations, and you should be proud of your accomplishments.

]]> By: Amber http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20382 Amber Sun, 10 Aug 2008 02:07:54 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20382 Wonderful letter (just now seeing it) and so glad to hear he responded so positively! That's great news! Wonderful letter (just now seeing it) and so glad to hear he responded so positively! That’s great news!

]]> By: Gabe http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20380 Gabe Sat, 09 Aug 2008 23:33:49 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20380 Ellie, your letter was beautiful. The confidence in yourself and the love and trust you show for him are so very apparent. I'm thrilled that he responded the way he did. Ellie, your letter was beautiful. The confidence in yourself and the love and trust you show for him are so very apparent. I’m thrilled that he responded the way he did.

]]> By: Trinity http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20377 Trinity Sat, 09 Aug 2008 23:17:14 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20377 From someone who's still dealing with the fallout from this sort of thing almost eight years later: PLEASE don't tell him unless you're damn sure he'll be okay with it. If he isn't, it will haunt you for years, and make you a stranger to people you love. From someone who’s still dealing with the fallout from this sort of thing almost eight years later: PLEASE don’t tell him unless you’re damn sure he’ll be okay with it. If he isn’t, it will haunt you for years, and make you a stranger to people you love.

]]> By: Audacia Ray http://www.lumpesse.com/2008/08/this-should-have-been-the-hardest-thing-to-write-but-it-wasnt/comment-page-1/#comment-20372 Audacia Ray Sat, 09 Aug 2008 21:52:10 +0000 http://www.lumpesse.com/?p=479#comment-20372 I think this is well-handled. I came out to my family almost three years ago about my blog and about the fact that I was a sex worker (at the time it was present tense). Though my family loves me unconditionally and I knew they wouldn't disown me or stop speaking to me or anything, it was still really hard. They were afraid for my safety and definitely shocked about what they saw as me violating my own privacy on my sex blog - there's a definite generational divide in concepts of privacy as they relate to the internet (and I come from a family of writers too). They dig some creative googling and found the blog, and they were also really upset to see that I had blogged about my outing conversation with them, and they felt violated by that. I think the thing that I didn't think about carefully enough, because I was very focused on what I do as part of my work and part of my career, was that by outing myself I was actually involving my family in my sex life. As you've pointed out in your letter, this is a weird and uncomfortable thing. Later, it seemed like kind of an aggressive act on my behalf. My father was adamant that he should be able to read the blog, because "you write publicly. I am the public." It was really hard to negotiate all that and I think I failed at the initial approach in a lot of ways, but I'm also not really sure what I could have done to make it better. I, of course, am not trying to dissuade you from coming out to your dad - I think this is wonderful and would love it if more people stepped forward and claimed their blogs in a public way. Just a few notes about my own experience with this. I think this is well-handled.

I came out to my family almost three years ago about my blog and about the fact that I was a sex worker (at the time it was present tense). Though my family loves me unconditionally and I knew they wouldn’t disown me or stop speaking to me or anything, it was still really hard.

They were afraid for my safety and definitely shocked about what they saw as me violating my own privacy on my sex blog – there’s a definite generational divide in concepts of privacy as they relate to the internet (and I come from a family of writers too). They dig some creative googling and found the blog, and they were also really upset to see that I had blogged about my outing conversation with them, and they felt violated by that.

I think the thing that I didn’t think about carefully enough, because I was very focused on what I do as part of my work and part of my career, was that by outing myself I was actually involving my family in my sex life. As you’ve pointed out in your letter, this is a weird and uncomfortable thing. Later, it seemed like kind of an aggressive act on my behalf. My father was adamant that he should be able to read the blog, because “you write publicly. I am the public.” It was really hard to negotiate all that and I think I failed at the initial approach in a lot of ways, but I’m also not really sure what I could have done to make it better.

I, of course, am not trying to dissuade you from coming out to your dad – I think this is wonderful and would love it if more people stepped forward and claimed their blogs in a public way. Just a few notes about my own experience with this.

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