Welcome back!

This is another in my series of interviews with men about masculinity. Like several of the other men interviewed, Jerry has an interest in BDSM. He expresses both joy and conflict arising from this part of his sexuality. The urge to define what authentic or “real” masculinity is appears in this narrative. It seems like something that Jerry is not sure of as I’m sure many of us are not.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

I can’t remember NOT being aware of masculinity. Many of my early memories are of my Moms brother and his wife who lived next door. He was big on bodybuilding and was clear and vocal about what a man and a woman should should be. He was more than a little “caveman” in his thinking. The rest of my family and most of the others I know were more in step with the times, but even at that, roles were pretty clearly defined. Our extended family would often take trips together where the men would go fishing and the women would shop. Even at the preschool age I would ask why, I, “a man” was going shopping. They said I would get to go with the men when I got a little older. And I did. While not a caveman, my Dad was still a product of the times. He would take me with him often…to the auto parts store and the hardware store. (I still love going to “Dom Depot”) When my Mom was in the hospital we, as a male family, had to have a grandma come over to cook and clean for us.
Even with that I knew girls were of more interest to me than boys and I spent much more time with the neighborhood girls than boys. And playing “show and tell” was just one of the reasons. While I got called sissy and even fag a good deal I never had any doubt about what I liked and who had it and who didn’t.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I do, but not in the context of the “caveman” or even the “father knows best”. I see myself more of a renaissance man. I want the women in my life to be educated and enlightened, whether they are a bar wench or the queen or both. I admit to retaining some issues from youth. I can’t help it that I still find it much easier to cut grass that to wash dishes. I can however cook if I can ever get my wife and our girlfriend out of the kitchen at the same time. I do see men as protector still, but know enough to share that duty with women. My wife and I are currently sharing the finer points of hunting and shooting with our girlfriend.
In life and in the bedroom (or whatever room works at the time) we are all equal partners. We each bring something different to the table (or bed) and its all good.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

Being into BDSM and poly has been a great way to express my desire to be “lord of the manor” as well as “sex toy” (at different times) without taking, or giving up, equality in the relationship. In both BDSM and poly communication and trust are acknowledged as paramount and while men may be from Mars we need to be able to hear and express the needs and feelings of those involved. “Real men” should be able to do this.