Welcome back!

This is the second of many interviews on masculinity. The first in the series can be found here.

Gabe keeps a personal blog called Wretched and Beautiful as well as working on the Pornocracy blog with his amazing partner Elizabeth. Reading his responses, I was brought to tears. I think that many people will be touched by his personal take on these questions.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

When I was in 3rd grade I rode to school with my friend Sean. He was telling me one morning about how his dad was teaching him how to build a birdhouse. This was a big deal for Sean and his dad because there were certain things you had to do to be a man, and one of those was building something. When he finished the project, then Sean could proclaim that he was closer to being a man. I never had much interest in hardware, so I asked him, “What if you grow up and you don’t ever build anything?” He said “Oh, then you’re just a half a man, I guess.”

Other times that I can remember were things like not wanting to go hunting with my dad for the first time. I broke down crying because I didn’t want to hurt anything. Similarly, I remember my little brother throwing a stick at me and it hit the side of my leg and left a cut. I was so mad I was shaking and crying and I was encouraged to just hit him back. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt him.

So my clearest early memories of masculinity and how I was supposed to do masculinity are in those instances where I was outside the borders of masculine behavior. I never associated masculinity with things like my dad’s affectionate side. Those were him not his masculinity.

What was the cultural climate? This was early 80’s rural South in a working/lower class family surrounded by the same.

Influences on my early view and experience of masculinity? All those things that the guys in my family did were the things that got associated with masculinity: hunting and fishing, fixing cars, manual labor.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Eh, it depends on the day. I’ve often just written off the whole concept of being a man, deciding that if it’s defined as things that I want no part in then I’ll just not bother with being a man. At the same time, it’s a role that I find myself in here and there, and I’m more and more comfortable with it. Is that the same as being masculine? I’m not sure. I know I’m a dom and a sadist, and those are often related to masculinity in a lot of people’s minds. I also have no real ambition to succeed in a high powered career nor to make lots of money, and those seem to be very masculine drives. Masculinity as a whole seems to be made up of a bunch of random traits, some of which I have, others I don’t. I’m not sure if the ways in which I’m androgynous reduce or call more attention to the ways in which I’m masculine. If I wear a skirt, does that make my beard stand out that much more? If I focus on listening and nurturing, does it take away from the ways in which I have masculine strength?

So I suppose the answer to the first question is “Sometimes, sure.” Why? Because masculinity itself seems to be bullshit as a whole, even if I do embody and value a selection (large or small) of the things included in masculinity and appreciate the comments of those who see me as masculine and my masculinity as a good thing.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

This is the one I’m having the hardest time with. I have to wonder what role masculinity plays in my being a dom, particularly since I’m hetero. Being identified (and identifying) as male, yet one who didn’t have the “natural” in with the power structures, I wonder how much of my play with power is a result of that. I came from a poor family, and a rural one at that. The cultural story is that men have power, are in control and are strong, yet I grew up not feeling that power (most likely due to class). Am I now playing with that tension between being told I should have power, but not actually feeling empowered? It’s possible. Or I could be reading way too much into what gets my dick hard.

Some people have asked me if they can answer the questions. Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from as many people about this as possible. You can answer the questions and email your response to lumpesse AT gmail DOT com or you can post them on your own weblog. There is no need to link back to me (although I certainly don’t mind) but I would love if you sent me a link so that I could link to your responses here. The only thing I ask is that the comments of each post be left to discuss that particular post, so don’t post your answers in the comments.