So most of what we think about around these parts are earth-shattering, brain-numbing, leg-shaking orgasms. The kinds that require partners or toys or elaborate fantasies. The kinds of orgasms that can be described as “a wave of ecstasy” or “a crash of lightning” or whatever other naturalistic simile the writer can ham-fist into the piece. Because that is what orgasms are, le petit mort, a transcendent and life-changing experience, right?

Um, don’t most of us have them EVERY FUCKING DAY? There is no way they are all so brilliant that they meet this criteria.

So here is my confession for the day: Sometimes I have purely mechanical, emotion and excitement-free orgasms!

How can that be? Isn’t an orgasm exciting by definition?

No. Sex is exciting. Getting off on the phone like a dirty slut is exciting. Having someone lick my pussy is exciting. The orgasm is just a physiological response that might come along while I am enjoying one of those activities.

It also might come along while I’m reading a management textbook in bed and absent-mindedly strum my clit. See? Even the phrase “strum my clit” makes this sound sexier than it is. Trust me, this isn’t sexy. Let me set the scene for you. . .

Lets say I am reading a textbook (Business Writing – the chapter on formatting your resume) and I decide, “hey, I haven’t had an orgasm lately”. So, I keep reading my textbook and I also rub my clit (it only takes a minute or two) until I have an orgasm. I am not thinking about sex, I’m thinking about resumes (maybe not even a sexy resume topic like fonts – no, perhaps I considering objective statements). I am simultaneously producing an orgasm in my body.

Now, I have shared this facet of my sexuality (I’m not even sure it is sexuality, maybe it is just a party trick – the girl that can come without being particularly “turned on”!) with lovers and friends and they look at me askance. Isn’t an orgasm something that just happens when the stars align just right and my lover is pleasing me? Or at least when there is a video playing of some tits bouncing?

Initially, I thought that males would understand this best. Afterall, the penis operates on a hydraulic system. The physiological aspects of erection and ejaculation seem straight-forward. Can’t you just keep entering data into a spread sheet with one hand and coax jizz out of your cock with the other? Most told me, “No way Jose” (well, I’m not sure that anyone actually said “Jose”, but you get the idea). It seems that a lot of guys have to look at porn or think of naked people or whatever turns them on to make the operation possible.

I am starting to think that, despite the stereotypes and mythology, it is the female orgasm that is more straight-forward. Of course, I haven’t talked to many ladies about this to corroborate my theory. Our society shrouds the female orgasm in so much mystery and intrigue that it is remarkable when someone has one. I’ve been having them since I was a kid but when I got older and read about female masturbation and orgasm I actually second-guessed my orgasms. If they are so easy to attain, they must not be the real thing. Oh, but they are.

Are the ones I have while reading textbooks as good as the ones I have with a lover or a hot fantasy or a phone pressed against my ear? Fuck no. They are simple, brief, almost unsatisfying. I can idly have 6-8 of them in the space of a half hour and still feel like I want to have sex later. But they are orgasms, the are characterized by the same basic physiological process of muscle contractions and release that my other ones come from.

So, folks out there, tell me if YOU ever have mechanistic orgasms? Does something else have to be running through your head to get you going or can you stare at the ceiling, think about the Queen, and still get off?