Welcome back!

“You’re only about 40 percent like yourself in your blog.”

J observed this from across the table at my favorite pizza place. We were quietly scarfing antipasto salad, betraying the fact that we have learned to eat in silence in front of each other.

“What is the other 60 percent like?”

“Someone else.”

Both C and J know about this blog, C is indifferent and mildly hostile towards it – for that reason he chooses not to read. J has known about it since before our first date although as far as he tells me, he still hasn’t read the entire thing.

He drove home a point that I have known for a long time. This is all just a blurry snapshot of who I am. If you think you have Ellie in focus, think again. If you think you have J or C in focus, well that is just absurd. Certain days when I am having sex, I lose track of who I am but I think that is the best gift a lover can give me. The drive to destabilize myself before helping to put me back together again.

Two nights ago I found myself blindfolded on my bed, my thighs spread and wrists tied to each leg. Rope forming lattices and criss-crosses around my torso and breasts. From the foot of the bed I hear J’s voice above me.

“God, you look so beautiful.”

It has always been a hard thing to believe. C can say it and have me stomach the compliment 100 percent of the time. I’ve long since given up questioning his sincerity. J can convince me about 50 percent of the time. Nothing changes in him or the way he says it from moment to moment – it will come as I get to know him better and trust myself to be beautiful to him.

J is running something against my thighs. An ice cube? No, it isn’t wet. He brushes it against my exposed pussy for a brief moment and then I feel him shift over me and sense him near my face.

“Open,” he commands.

I open my lips hesitantly.

“Wider.”

I drop my jaw further, lips sliding over teeth, tongue presented delicately against the bottom of my mouth.

“Bite.”

I bite into. . . a sweet, ripe pear. I chew the tiny bite slowly and he leans towards me to kiss the juices from my lips.

I feel beautiful again without him saying anything at all.

It is with this fanfare and caveat that I announce the arrival of J’s blog, Eternal Apprentice. When he told me he was going to do it, I was intrigued. When he actually started posting, I was thrilled. Looking at our experiences from his perspective was enlightening. I’d say that he is about 40 percent like himself as well. I hope you will head over to his little corner of the sexblog land and let him know what you think. His blogroll is woefully deficient and while I could have recommended many great places to start, J is capable of making his own friends. He is dear to me and I hope he becomes dear to all of you as well.