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This post is inspired by a conversation I had with Vinnie Tesla recently. Basically, he wrote all of the funny parts and I’m just stringing it together.

So, this has happened a few times. I will be fooling around with someone on the phone and he says “I want you to taste yourself.” So, I do.

Then he says “Tell me what you taste like”

And I’m fucking stumped. What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

Vinnie argues that, “the significance of it is not cullinary, of course—your partner is attempting to assert the physicality of the act—another sense engaged, and trying to make the image of you doing so more vivid for himself.”

Well, that sounds really pretty when taken out of the context of me splayed out on my bed with fingers in my mouth trying to frantically come up with a Michelin-style write-up of my pussy juices. Cliches always jump to mind from reading too much crappy porn. The word “sweet” always comes to me but of course doesn’t describe it at all. To be honest, I don’t taste much like anything, I’d be hard pressed to distinguish from the normal taste of saliva in my mouth. I usually cop out and give a coy response like, “I taste like me.”

The next person who asks me, though, is getting pure sarcasm.

“I detect oak notes, hints of vanilla, a well-structured finish, with elements of berry and a light astringency. An appealing, woody varietal, excellent with hearty stews or grilled meats.”

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