Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert

LELO Mia from Good Vibrations

Thursday
Jan 15,2009

mia

I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing a few LELO toys at this point including the Nea, Gigi, and Bo (review coming soon). So, when Good Vibrations offered me the chance to try out the Mia, I thought I would pass the toy along to my gorgeous girlfriend Ariel so she could weigh in on this vibrator. Here is her report.

I love love love the design of this one. The size is unobtrusive and the shape is organic, but understated.
The color (pale pink) is pretty and it is fashioned from a nice material that is smooth and feels great against skin my skin.  Furthermore, it charges via USB! When I travel, I like to carry only items that charge with the
usb, so I don’t need extra cords and all that carry-on silliness so it makes this super convenient for me. Plus, I never have to worry about losing the cord. the lock function is extra-awesome, especially considering (what with the small size and the ubs charging and all) that folks might want to take this traveling with them. No more vibrating purses!

But of course it has to work well to be worthwhile, right? I was amazed at how strong the vibrations were for the size of the Mia. It is also remarkably quiet.  The vibe patterns and controls were pretty impressive – there are a large number of settings. I love lust need want the intermittent vibe patterns but I wish they came in different intensities.  I’m not into the buzzing always-on settings much, but those are the only ones
with softer intensities. I ended up simulating the intermittent setting myself, just pressing it against my clit then removing it.  I also wish that it would start up in the same mode it was on when I shut it off, so I could just flat-out skip the “always-on” setting, and so I could quickly resume what I’m doing if I get interrupted.
I found that the buttons are smooth and lovely to touch; however, it can be hard to hit the right button in the moment, especally when you have it in a tight space (such as between two bodies).

All in, I really like the design and idea behind the Mia.  Sadly, it’s not the just-right vibe for me, but it’s perfect for anyone looking for a high-quality pocket size vibe with all the bells and whistles.

Buzz 1 from Babeland

Tuesday
Dec 9,2008

The Buzz 1 is a great little realistic silicone dildo. I was impressed with the shape of the head, in particular and the fact that it comes with a bullet vibe to convert it to a vibrator readily.

I played with the Buzz 1 and found the shape and size incredibly satisfying. It occupies that not too small and not too big range for me. The silicone is ultra-smooth which means that with a good application of lube it gets really slick and lovely. Another bonus of this toy is that it is harness compatible with a 1 1/2″ O-ring. I tried it out in my Corsette harness and decided that it was quite majestic and impressive looking.

I haven’t had a chance to fuck either of my boyfriends with this yet and my girlfriend is a big fan of Goliath, but I might see if she wants to experience the Buzz 1 next time around. Afterall, variety is the spice of life and we’re all quite accustomed to stunning variety.

The We-Vibe

  • Filed under: Sex
Saturday
Nov 22,2008

The We-Vibe

The makers of the We-Vibe were kind enough to send me one a few months ago and I’ve been thinking a lot about it ever since. Let me start by telling you the procedural things about it. It is a dual-stimulation vibrator that is meant to be worn during hetero intercourse. The smaller end slides inside the vagina and the top part curves around and hugs the clit. Since the small part is pretty small, it still leaves room for a penis to enter.

The We-Vibe is silicone and rechargeable and comes in a nice little carrying case. The construction of it seems to be high quality. And I enjoyed trying it out.

Jay and I actually played with it on our first day at Dark Odyssey in order to christen our newly made-up camp bed. I was wet and we added more lube to the toy to get it nice and slippery before sliding it in. The vibrations instantly felt very nice and I wiggled it into place with my fingers while stroking his hard cock in my hand. When he slid into me, I felt instantly extra-full. The bit of additional bulk from the toy stretched me nicely and his cock made the internal part press harder into my g-spot.

As we fucked the vibrations remained just intense enough to keep me at the edge and I came very quickly. In short I loved the thing. Breathless after my orgasm, I looked up at him and said “so, what do you think of it.”

“Eh,” he replied, “I can’t really feel you the way I want to. It feels like fucking plastic.”

I frowned and furrowed my brow and we agreed to take it out for the rest of our playtime.

So, my experience of the We-Vibe? Excellent. His? Neutral at best. Ladies, I think that this could be an amazing solo-play toy and I also think it can be a great addition to partner sex. However, I don’t buy the couple aspect of this, the utility seems heavily skewed toward the female in our experience of it.

Wednesday
Nov 12,2008

Fun Factory Paul and Paulina from VibeReview

I have had a difficult relationship in my life with rabbit-style vibrators. The first one I owned had perfect girth but the ears were a bit too firm and pokey and the pearls inside were awkward almost to the point of painful. The next I tried was the Lovely Rose which I very much enjoyed but it still wasn’t quite perfect. This time I fretted because the “ear” portion tended to slide around and not rest in the perfect spot.

So, when it came time to try Paul and Paulina I had a whole lot of hopes and expectations tied up in this toy. It is made my Fun Factory so I expected a lot and I found that Paul and Paulina really delivered. It is made of 100% silicone which is a rarity for these types of dual-stimulation vibrators and something that I really appreciated.

I found that Paul and Paulina seemed to deliver on what I was looking for in a lot of crucial ways. It is girthy, the speeds are quite variable, and the clit stimulation is significant and strong. I enjoyed this toy greatly. Unfortunately, I was still left feeling that I might find something more in a dual stimulation toy. The Paul and Paulina isn’t my savior but it has moved up to being leader of the pack.

The LELO Gigi from VibeReview

Saturday
Nov 8,2008

The LELO GiGi from VibeReview

LELO is one of the few, cherished high-end sex toy manufacturers that lovers of excellent toys ooh and ahh over. I was sold on LELO when I tried out the Nea and was excited to try the Gigi, their insertable g-spot vibrator.

Right off the bat, I’ll admit that LELO toys come with a steep pricetag. But, what do you get for that price? A product that is more than worth it, I’d say. The Gigi is rechargeable and runs for several hours on a single charge. It has multiple speeds and functions from a soft flutter to a pulsating wave. The sensations available surpass those of an ordinary vibrator. Additionally, the Gigi is made of fantastic, body-friendly materials like silicone.

I found the controls on the Gigi to be ergonomically placed and easy to use even in the heat of the moment. The shape of the toy really hits the spot for me. I’ve tried some more intense g-spot vibes and they have their place in my life, but the Gigi is great for a slow, langorous buildup to an intense release.

I also found that the shape and the handle make the Gigi great little wand for applying clit stimulation to a partner. I recently found myself in the delicious position of pressing the Gigi against Ariel’s clit while Jay was inside her and she rode him on top. The handle is good about supressing some of the vibrations so you can focus on the nice feelings the head is providing instead of considering if your hand is about to go numb.

The Gigi is an impeccably designed creation that I am thrilled to have in my toybox. It is one of the ones that I grab without hesitation when packing a weekend bag. I delight in seeing the eyes of a new partner light up when I show them this lovely and functional toy.

Tuesday
Aug 12,2008

Take note! You can get a 10% discount on your order at Vibe Review if you shop through this link!

I haven’t played with many massagers before but word on the street is that the Miracle Massager is the toy to beat.

First off, aesthetics. I’m not the biggest fan of the color scheme; red and black seems a bit crass (well lots of things seem crass when paired with black, I’m not sure why). Of course colors seem irrelevant when you take into consideration the fact that this is an item that will be buried between my legs. If I’ve played my cards right and have a friend along to help, I can reliably close my eyes and pay little attention to anything except the vibrations. And oh does this vibrate.

Now, I’m a fan of subtle vibrations. This is subtle like a rock between the eyes. For me, something like the Miracle Massager feels like cheating because I can get off in just a few minutes. You might be thinking that isn’t such a bad thing. You are probably right.

Plus, there are a lot of good other good uses for this toy. The curved handle actually makes it good as a back massager (stop snickering, I’m serious!) The excellent vibrations are strong enough to conduct vibrations through other materials (I’m thinking crotch rope). Also, it plugs into your wall instead of eating up batteries. I wish the cord was a bit longer but I have no idea how it stacks up against other massagers on the market.

I did not try the Miracle Massager all by itself, though. I also got a chance to test it out with the Miracle Massager Attachment that is sold separately. My feelings about this attachment are somewhat conflicted. On the one hand, I experienced amazing orgasms with it. The shape of the attachment is perfect for stimulating my clit and my g-spot at the same time. Without needing to do any thrusting I was able to get off in a few minutes.

With an endorsement like that, what could possible be wrong, right? Well, first of all, I’m not sure that the attachment was actually designed for the Miracle Massager. It fits on and stays but is sort of wobbly. I tried it out on a friend’s Hitachi Magic Wand and it fit like a glove. I wonder if it was designed for that toy originally? This isn’t a very serious problem as I haven’t had any issue with the attachment actually falling off.

My biggest complaint is that it is made out of jelly rubber PVC and is not pthalate-free. For this reason it has that tell-tale chemically smell. While I usually opt for phlalate-free toys, the ones I have always get covered on condoms. There is no conclusive information about whether these materials are harmful but I prefer to play it safe.

So, this presents a dilemma. Indeed, the attachment is shaped remarkably well and really increases the utility of the Miracle Massager. I also think that the price for the attachment is quite modest. I desperately wish it was made out of another material but nothing is completely perfect. I still plan to play with it on a regular basis because it works so well.

Take note! You can get a 10% discount on your order at Vibe Review if you shop through this link!

Thursday
Jul 24,2008

I was incredibly excited to try out My First Butterfly Vibe. After recording Bedroom Radio #18, I knew we needed to get a hold of a remote control vibrator and this one seemed to be promising. Sadly, this is probably one of the most disappointing toys I have ever tried.

Jay, Ian, and I were taking a break from a pretty intense play session and were putting on our clothes to head out to get a bite to eat. One of the boys suggested that I try the new toy and wear it to the restaurant. So, I slipped it on. The first problem was that slipping it on was not particularly straightforward. There are two elastic loops and some snaps that don’t seem to attach to each other. Nonetheless, I figured out a way to get it to stay in place and slid the shaft into my pussy.

I immediately noticed that it didn’t seem to line up in an effective way. Just as I was putting this thought together, one of the boys turned on the remote. I was much more startled by the noise than by the sensations. This vibrator is really loud but also really weak. It is almost as loud as some massagers that plug into the wall. The noise was almost deafening and there was no way that squeezing my legs together and slipping on a pair of jeans was going to muffle it.

Frustrated, I flung myself on the bed and tried to focus on the minuscule vibrations. Jay and Ian were cracking up watching me wiggle awkwardly and try to position the butterfly. They were also walking through the house trying to figure out how many rooms away they could hear it from. This is when we discovered another flaw, the range on the remote is probably about 8 feet instead of 15-20 as the box advertises. Additionally, the remote seems to work by sending a constant on signal so when the toy is switched on and the remote moves out of range, the toy starts to cut out.

Unfortunately, this toy doesn’t do anything right. Most of the time when I’m not crazy about a toy, I can still imagine it working out for someone else. In the case of My First Butterfly Vibe, I can’t imagine anyone experiencing success with it. I’m sure there are better remote-controlled vibrators on the market and my quest to find one will continue!

Edit: I just got a great tip from Heather at VibeReview that a good alternative may be the Hypersonic Bunny. This one isn’t remote controlled but it does look like a great hands-free option!

Lovely Rose [Toy Review]

Wednesday
Jul 16,2008

The Lovely Rose is a gorgeous dual-stimulation, rabbit-style vibrator. Made of translucent red material, and carved into floral shapes, it looks like something like a fairy wand that you would give a child to play dress-up with. But, it isn’t, it is designed to put inside your cunt and have a good solid orgasm with.

So, how does the Lovely Rose work? The shaft oscillates and revolves to stimulate the G-spot and approximate shallow thrusting while the smaller rosebud nestles against your clit and vibrates. This is a winning combination and the reason that this style of vibrator has become wildly popular. (Okay, so Sex and the City might have had something to do with it, but folks around these parts resent it when you bring that up, so shhhh.)

The important issue with rabbit-style vibrators isn’t the concept, that is already proven. Rather it is the execution. The Lovely Rose just works. First of all, it doesn’t have a creepy animal face on it anywhere. Those have never been a deal breaker for me but if you give me the choice between a flower design and a dolphin one I’ll take the flower every time. There are other websites you can head to if the dolphin is your choice ;)

Second, the Lovely Rose has a successful shape, the shaft is tapered in. So, I found that my pussy gripped it hard and didn’t let go while the head of the shaft was rotating. This was intense and got even more intense when I came. I found that I was so tight around the toy after an orgasm, that I couldn’t even release it instantly and had to wait a few moments for my muscles to relax. This is not a bad thing.

Overall, this toy is a treat. I find myself reaching for the Lovely Rose regularly and I highly recommend it among the rabbit vibes on the market.

About Ellie



Ellie Lumpesse writes about sex, BDSM, relationships, non-monogamy, feminism, and rhetoric. In addition to blogging, she produces the Bedroom Radio sex podcast, is a phone slut for hire, and reviews sex toys.

This is the last time you will see her talk about herself in the third person.

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