A lot of people have been telling me that they are disappointed to see the lack of response these interviews on masculinity are getting. I am a bit sad about it too but I also don’t care. I have more of them and I’m going to keep posting them because they matter. Like, they really matter.

This next interview is from Wanton Male who is a bisexual blogger. He has been writing about sex online for a long time and I’m thrilled and honored that he took the time to respond to my questions. His responses reflect some of the same trepidation and confusion about masculinity that all of the men so far have expressed.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?
This is a tough one for my shoddy memory. I can’t conciously remember an exact moment. I guess I grew up in a fairly typical, nuclear family, my father being my role model in that regard. Dad was in charge, fixed things around the house, mowed the yard, played sports and whatnot.

As far as noting the differences between the sexes, I noticed how my parents were different and certainly played my fair share of “show me yours, I’ll show you mine” throughout my youth with both girls and boys. Funnily enough, I’m still playing that game.

I grew up in the 70s and was a service brat. My father was an officer and pilot in the Air Force, so certainly some influences there. That certainly added to my observations of masculinity, as I was exposed to a healthier than average dose of discipline and structure. Plus, my dad flew planes, how manly is that?

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?
My first inclination is to waffle, and say, yes and no. However, if forced to choose one, AND be honest, I have to say no.

One of the main aspects of masculinity, in my mind at least, is the physicality of it. I’ve never been a big guy. I’m average height and have always been towards the skinny side, even in my younger days. Back then though, I would have said yes. I was smallish, but I was resilient, I was scrappy. These days I am shell of that.

For the last 15 years I have been fighting severe rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve had multiple operations replacing joints that have been destroyed by my disease. I won’t say I am frail, but I am certainly weakened, and most definitely limited in what I can do physically. So in that regard, it has definitely been emasculating.

Emotionally, I probably lean towards feminine. It’s cliche, but I am in touch with my feelings, and don’t run screaming from them. Not exactly masculine there. I’m kind, nice, empathetic, and I enjoy talking, all of which makes me very popular with women. I make a great girlfriend apparently.

Which leads me to sexually. I am incredibly sexual. I may be chatting sweetly with the ladies but I am thinking about how I could be fucking them. My sex drive is high, and usually stays there. I fully fit the bill of masculinity here.

There are myriad other things where I am masculine. Intellectually I’m logical, practical, and rational. I can be aggressive, dominating and demanding. I’m not the breadwinner of our household, but I do make the majority of the decisions.

So there we go. I am a conflicting and chaotic example of masculinity. Certainly no poster child for it.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?
I honestly don’t know. I am bisexual with limited experience on the bi side. I actually kinda just like thinking of myself as just really sexual and a sensualist. I wanna have fun, and I’m not particular with which side of the fence it is.

In bed with women, I tend to take a laid back, have fun attitude, unless I am purposefully being aggressive. Except when it comes to pleasing her. I damn well want her to come, and as many times as possible, but is that related to masculinity? Beats me.

Interestingly enough, with men, so far at least, I seem to be the top. Which honestly is not, how I figured it would be. Will this change as I have more experiences, I cannot say, but I’m not bothered with it either way. I’m just looking for a good time.

• The MOST effective way to get a woman into bed is by running yourself down, say scientists | Mail Online
  It took a scientific study to figure out that women adore men like Hugh Grant and Woody Allen. I could have told you that ;)
  (tags: humor sex dating)
• Sex & Acronyms
  “from BDSM to DSL, DNA to TNA, TMI to UTI, HIV to HPV, WMD to OMG, and the 1-2-3 knockout punch of WTF, UHF, and STFU.”
  (tags: humor sex dating)

I just found this today on Feministing and love it!

• A Place To Draw Blood Laughing › Sex and Nachos
  “Are you writing about the sex we just had?”
  “That’s very meta of you.”
  (tags: sex erotica humor)
• Pornocracy / Third Time’s a Charm
  “And to those ends, I’m calling for a monthly (or so) sexy naked nerd boy roundup. Post your sexy self all over your blogs, let me know about it, and I’ll gather links to all the posts for the month in one place.”
  (tags: masculinity porn sexblogs)
• Mike On Ads » Blog Archive » Using your browser URL history to estimate gender
  Uses your browser history to try to guess what gender you are. It got mine right.
• Grooveshark» First Date Faux Pas (Remix)
  A soundtrack for reminiscing about bad first dates.
  (tags: relationships dating music)

So the other day I was thinking about masculinity. And then I realized I should probably think about it in conjunction with men. So, I asked a few guys to answer some very difficult questions about their relationships with masculinity. I’m amazed by the response so far and I hope that a dialogue will begin.

My first responder is an anonymous reader whose ideas I can really appreciate. It seems like being a “typical woman” is an acceptable choice for ladies but being typical in any way makes a man an oppressor. I think that his interview really reveals how there are thoughts beyond those typical responses. I want to thank him so much for this careful and touching set of responses.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

When I was very young I played “doctor” with my two female cousins, one of whom was my age and one of whom was as couple years older. We were probably 4 and 6. It wasn’t actually “doctor”. It was more like “stripper”. We’d take turns standing on a table in their basement and dancing around while taking our clothes off. It was erotic in the most innocent way imaginable. We knew we could get in trouble for it, and that their mother was right on the other side of the basement door, in the kitchen. I wasn’t there when they got busted, but I know they did get busted at some point. Presumably there were other boys they played that game with. The older cousin was the instigator, ringleader, and master of ceremonies. Also usually the first person to dance.

That was my first experience of “female” as an attractive “other”. I guess I knew earlier on that girls and boys were different, but only in some vague cootie-related way that never gave me much sense of “masculinity” as opposed to anything else. There was something about being a boy, about that thing between my legs, about how those two girls got interested when it got hard. Somehow I knew that was part of my SELF–my Identity. Also, I knew my dad had one, and it was important to me that I did too.

Cultural climate or influence: suburban Utah. I grew up in a suburb about 20 minutes north of Salt Lake City, and the cousins were another 15 or 20 minutes north. Something like 90% Mormon where I grew up. I wasn’t one, but they were (and still are). I discovered in my teen years that Mormon girls are just BUSTING to rebel, and given the slightest provocation they become complete wildcats. I imagine that my older cousin was playing some of that game (we were aware of the transgression this was), coupled with natural young-childhood curiosity.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I do, in a sense. I don’t really ever think about myself as masculine; I just am it. I’m about the straightest straight boy on the planet, and every woman I’ve ever been with has said so. I’m very much a Typical Boy. Minx has been mentioning lately about writing your own manual. I don’t need a manual, I need a pamphlet. I like boobs and blowjobs and having dinner cooked for me. I like protecting and pampering my women, taking them out and showing them off, buying them things. I like going out with the guys and drinking beer.

I guess the only place I’m not completely typical is that I’m not possessive or territorial about the people I love. I CAN be, certainly, but I’ve dealt with those aspects of myself thoroughly enough that they no longer dominate me.

Masculinity as I experience it is fraught with anxieties, but is loath to admit that it is. Femininity may be the same way, I suppose; I wouldn’t know. Here’s an example: I played golf yesterday with two female friends, and I opted to tee off from the Ladies’ tees with them, rather than all of us stopping at the Mens’ while I hit, then all of us going down to the Ladies’ for them to hit. I confess, on the hole where the groundskeeper was watching us tee off, I had a moment of concern about what he would think. I had even more concern about how I’d rationalize hitting from the “right” tee box without my friends knowing I was worried about not looking like a sissy to a stranger on a tractor. I know the male golfing buddies I usually play with would never let me hear the end of it if they knew I played from the Ladies’, but I concluded pretty quickly that that would say a lot more about their hang-ups than mine. The punchline is, I had one of the best rounds of my life, and I’m now hesitant to brag about that because I know I got about 700 free yards based on hitting from the “wrong” tees.

So, while I’m quite confident and comfortable with my masculinity and sexual orientation, there’s always the “guy thing” of appearing macho and never letting anyone question your masculinity. Which I hate, when I’m sucked into it, but find myself having concern for anyway.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

As I said above, if there’s a thing a Guy would like in bed or most anywhere else, odds are very good I’ll like it. Naked girls. Blowjobs. Tit fucking. Doggy style. Facials. Mainstream porn is pretty much made for me.

And that just seems the natural and automatic thing to me, and I have to consciously try to have anything else not seem weird. We’re good friends with a couple–actually, the first people my wife and I tried non-monogamy with–the husband of whom is a true masochist; he can’t orgasm without also receiving pain. Initially I found that unfathomable and unpalatable. After being around them sexually for a while, I now only find it unfathomable. I still can’t imagine wanting that, but I now get that that IS in fact what he wants. He’d be a lifestyle submissive, actually, and be quite happy with that. She doesn’t want a pet, though, she wants a partner. They had some stuff to sort out before they got married, obviously…

Part of what it is to be a Guy is to be constantly… not quite “on the prowl”, but always having my antenna up. I notice women like crazy. I probably fall in love with some random woman on the street five or six times a week. And I seem to have a “type”–which you would identify right off if you saw a picture of my lady loves. Cute, dark-haired, geek girls. There was a girl working the counter at a bowling alley one night that I nearly invited home with us on the spot, and you could have laid her down next to my other two and had a matched set. (Which was, in fact, exactly my plan.) A woman I’m attracted to has to be my intellectual equal, but have a vulnerability or softness for me to protect. And she needs to be tough enough to take care of me when I need it too.

I don’t know… I’m not a Big Macho guy, despite how this likely sounds. I’m fairly enlightened regarding my emotions and needs (I’m poly! Hello!). But there’s still an aspect of my masculinity that somehow never quite emerged from the cave. There’s definitely something primitive inside me that wants to howl at the moon and dominate others with force and sleep with every woman I see. I keep that fairly well contained, and generally manage to express it only in socially acceptable ways (with the exception of: I’m poly! Hello!). But it’s there.

This is an interesting inquiry. I saw some things about myself, engaging in these questions.

• Waking Vixen » Blog Archive » It’s My Blogoversary: Four Years!
• Cover: Young, Gay and Murdered in Junior High | Newsweek Culture | Newsweek.com
  Um, aren’t articles like this supposed to talk about how troubled the MURDERER was?
• The Dick-Cock Variations
  “Dick listens to Warrant. Cock listens to Wagner.”
• pro-porn activism: Why Copyright Laws Don’t Matter To Anti-Porn Activists: Diana Russell’s Myopia Revisited
  “Yet for all the smack directed at liberal and Leftist men and women, and anticensorship and sex-positive feminist “liberals” and Leftists, Russell is more than willing to drop names of certain radical activists when it suits her purposes”
  (tags: porn activism censorship)
• Where are the sex-positive dudes at? (An invitation) « Rage Against the Man-chine
  “As stupid as I think most (MOST – calm down) men are, it’s pretty goddamn brilliant that they’ve gotten women to run around fighting the porn/prostitution battle for them.” ARGH!
  (tags: porn “feminism”)

• Marcy(fantasy) « Wall Street Wood
  “It was transgressive and I’m sure I probably looked a little flustered, even slightly flushed, but I don’t think the fellow noticed.”
  (tags: erotica)

• The Wisdom of Whores » Paid to pleasure oneself: nice work if you can get it dept
  “In my experience, a hard-on (or its female equivalent, a wide-on) tends to disrupt rational decision-making. And I’ve just found a scientific paper that proves it.”
  (tags: sex research)
• Special Report: Regulating U.K. Web Erotica – XBIZ.com
  “The licenses for sex shops can only be offered by local councils, and if local councils don’t want to sell sex shop licenses, there will be no licensed sex shops in a particular area.”
  (tags: porn law)
• Fatty D » You Want A Piece of Me
  “I will be the first plus sized love doll!”
• Dominatrix Next Door » Blog Archive » The Bad Shoot
  “Do you want to have sex?” he asked me later. I looked at him. “First time I’ve asked you.” (Your agency, let me loan you it.)
• Thai green curry is the way to a spicy sex life!
  This is one of my favorite meals and I cook it all the time.
  (tags: food sex)
• Click opera – Who killed bukkake?
  “Let’s speculate, for a moment, that bukkake is a branch of calligraphy.”