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I have a very visual memory. I think it comes from growing up with a father that was taking snapshots constantly. I take my own snapshots of moments. And short videos of them as well. I can see faces displaying certain expressions or particular words being delivered from the mouths of friends and loved ones. Today I laid on the bed reading a book and lazily stroking my clit. Eventually I tossed the book aside to concentrate more fully on my pleasure and an image flashed into my head. At first I ascribe it to my visual memory but quickly realize that this is an image I’ve concocted to illustrate a moment that I experienced but didn’t actually see. As I work my own fingers across my cunt I imagine Michael’s hands. I have an image of them, long graceful fingers and dark hairs and rounded nails that are just barely too long. Then I can see a vivid image of these fingers insistently prodding at my wetness, grazing my clit and filling me. I realize, as I come, that this image is invented. I’ve never actually seen what his fingers look like as they touch me but the memory is still clear enough to conjure the feeling again.

Jay and I haven’t spent much time apart since we first got together. I took a two day business trip almost three years ago and otherwise we have spent our nights under the same roof (even if not in the same bed). This weekend I’m visiting Michael and Ariel by myself because Jay has to work. I’m doing it because there is no reason not to. I’m doing it because I desperately need some time with Ariel that we haven’t had much of lately.

I’m also anxious about it. Jay will go on dates while I am gone. Everyone will likely fret about this. I’m going to miss him and feel a bit untethered on my own. I’m going to worry about him and if he is lonely or hungry or bored. Nonetheless, I think this will be a positive experience and I won’t be far away from the arms of people that I love and who love me.

I’ve been grappling with something over the past few months as I embark on a serious relationship with a woman for the first time. My femininity feels under fire by my own fucked up gender programming. The reality is that it doesn’t matter how much Judith Butler and Eve Sedgwick I read. It doesn’t matter that I have idols like Tristan Taormino, Lee Harrington, and Bear Bergman. It doesn’t matter that I love genderbenders and all level of gender fucking. I have some fucked up assumptions and ideas about sex and gender and sexuality that infect my ability to be as fearless as I want to be.

This is a confession of sorts but also a cry for help. I think about myself in reference to kink and sex and realize that I associate submission and service with being feminine. I associate beauty, weakness, and delicacy with being feminine. And I also realize that I am so terrified of being seen as anything other than feminine that I put up some strange defenses against this.

Case study A: Ariel

Ariel is my gorgeous girlfriend. She is beautiful and petite and has long flowing hair. She moves gracefully on high heels. She also has a powerful job in a male-dominated industry and changes car batteries and asserts herself aggressively in conversations. She looks high femme but has always thought of herself as butch. Still, when I touch her I sometimes feel huge, ham-fisted, rough, and all-together ugly. I know she longs for me and I fail her because I don’t know how to be. On the one hand, strapping on a pretty dildo and fucking her for hours sounds like pure bliss but I know that getting to that point will be full of second-guessing myself and my desires and my actions.

Am I being entirely heterosexist in my view of this sexual relationship? Abso-fucking-lutely! Because she is feminine, I feel masculine. (We won’t even get into the terrible fact that I associate masculinity [on myself!] with ugliness) I don’t want to feel this way. It isn’t enlightened, it isn’t sex positive. I wouldn’t teach it to my students. But it infects my reality and I don’t know how to deprogram it.

Case study B: Michael

[Note: This section has been edited for nuance. The lack it previously exhibited, though, is likely symptomatic of my issues with binary thinking.]

Michael is a petite man. We are the same height and I outweigh him significantly. When we first met I didn’t think the relationship would work because of this. I thought I would feel huge and be self-conscious and afraid. So I submitted myself to him. He felt like he was capable of being in charge and I let him be. Even if I couldn’t be delicate and small by comparison physically, I knew I could shrink myself mentally. It works out well that he has discovered enjoyment of beating me until I cry, pulling my hair, grabbing my throat. (Again we won’t get into how fucked up it is that my way of feeling feminine involves simulated victimization) Even when I am initiating sex with him, it feels like an act of service and devotion. He often gives me feedback on how to touch and where and when. I siddle up to him and slither a limb around his body. I kiss gently. The touches are a seduction and they are a worship and only in my most wanton and least self-conscious moments do I allow myself to be aggressive and take up space.

Taking up space

I haven’t really defined what this means to me just yet. You may have guessed some of it by now, though. I think of it in terms of physical space – my body is larger and I attempt to diminish that regularly. I also think of it terms of political space – my voice should be smaller, my needs should be less important, my desires should be locked away.

This might seem ridiculous to some of you that have met me or read this blog. Of course I take up space in terms of talking about sex. Here I am now with this presence on the internet. Blabbing, opining, discussing in detail, issuing edicts and judgments and ideas. But some of that strength leaves me when I’m making love to some of the people I adore most in the world.

I know that every relationship goes through growing pains and these are no exception, but this issue feels bigger and scarier and more about me being fucked in the head than any I have run into before. So, dear reader, tell me what you think. How do I get my theory to line up with my practice? How do I deschool myself of gender? How do I embrace femininity in a way that doesn’t make me need to masculinize others? How have you done it or how do you wish you could?

I will be appearing tonight (January 21, 2009) at 10:30 PM Eastern time on the Passion talk show with Dr. Laurie Betito. The program is on a Montreal news talk station, CJAD. You can stream the broadcast and listen in! I’ll be talking about phone sex and other tidbits about life and sexuality. Try to tune in!

January – Jay and I started the year by celebrating our 2nd anniversary together. If you want to refresh on how we first met (and the aftermath of that) you’ll have to look back to January of 2006. We were in Thailand for half of this month and pretty depressed to back in the US again. So, you didn’t hear from me again until. . .

April – Where I attended Sex 2.0 and had a fire lit under me. I started a Twitter account, got involved with FetLife, and relaunched my podcast. I finally realized that I was part of a community and felt like I belonged.

May – I started reviewing products on my podcast and blog for VibeReview.

June – I spent a lot of time thinking about sex work in both text and audio forms. I also got sort of pissy and ridiculous about blogging and met Artemis Hunter for the first time.

July – I had my first freelance work published in The Naughty American and dug up some old camwhore shots. I also experienced a bit of heartbreak, but it turned out a great piece of writing if I do say so myself. I also got tied up by Artemis and finally hooked up with Carmine who had previously only been known as “cross-dressing law student“. Finally, I began publishing the Musings on Masculinity series.

August – The biggest news and one of the happiest days of my last several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much better.

September – I was named #5 on the list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008 among started a bajillion other projects. We also went to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp which was a watershed event for me despite the fact that I haven’t talked about it too much. I also presented at the Fetish Fair Flea Market and got to meet Catalina and Marky for the first time.

October – The posts slowed down and the earth stopped moving because something remarkable happened. We met Ariel and Michael and fell in love and my feet still haven’t touched the ground. At first I could only express the feelings in music. But. . .

November -  . . . soon I found more detailed words and images to express my thoughts. I captured the unique sadomasochistic relationship that Michael and I have developed as well as the experienced of being fucked by Ariel for the first time. And the sexy gave way to the mundanely profound as we found ourselves forming a type of family, broken hollondaise and all.

December – Ariel starts lending a hand with reviews and I think that the format suits this site. Jay and I also visited New York and saw tons of the friends that we met through the year. I also spent a sedate Birthday and Hanukkah at home with my new chosen family.

The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #156? Submit a link to your best post of the week by emailing me directly at radicalvixenatgmaildotcom Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.

This Week’s Picks

I’m kind of … insatiable.

“She’s gasping already. Each breath a moan, each touch connected to the noises she makes.”

The most spankable day of the year

“And for spankos, they are a high holy day to be approached with all the reverence and gaiety of a Pagan-cum Christian holiday.”

Private club

“It’s that kind of club – the kind you have to know about, the kind that doesn’t even have a name.”

Sugasm Editor

Sex Work And Honesty: Being Childfree

Editor’s Choice

I Wonder

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Jay and I will be visiting New York this week. Starting today, actually. The agenda for the trip is to have fun and hang out with perverts. If you are a fun pervert, be in touch. I know that I will be at Druken, Careening Writers and In the Flesh at various times on Thursday night. Stop by and say hello. If you need me between now and then, email (lumpesse AT gmail DOT com) and Twitter seem to be your best options. I’ll be staying connected.

The Hitachi Magic Wand is often referred to as the Cadillac of vibrators. I think that description is erroneous because “Cadillac” implies a certain level of prestige and conspicuous consumption. I don’t think that the Hitachi implies that at all. It is simple, inelegant, and packs an enormous amount of power. Really, it is like a pickup truck. It is a utilitarian stand-by that gets the job done.  In fact, it is often over-kill for the job that it needs to get done but no one faults it because it is one of the Good ‘Ole Boys of sextoy land.

If you’ve had enough with analogies, let me say that I adore my Hitachi and it is my go-to toy when I want an orgasm in a matter of moments. It has also become my go-to toy for extracting orgasms out of my lovely girlfriend. Here are some of her thoughts on it.
Ellie: Alright, Hitachi. Are you a convert?
Ariel: I worship at the temple of the Hitachi
Ellie: And it worships at yours!
Ariel: I have to be honest, I wasn’t too jazzed up about the idea of the Hitachi
Ellie: I was a little worried that it might be too much for you.
Ariel: I’ve never been that big of a fan of vibrations, so I went into it uncertain about being successful with it
Ellie: What was different about it from other vibrators you have tried?
Ariel: Aside from the sexy gal using it on me…
it’s the depth (not length) -it’s all about the depth
this wasn’t all on the surface, the vibrations seem to just flow through me
Ellie: Did you prefer it on your clit directly or with the attachment?
Ariel: For speed to climax and repeatability, I prefer the attachment – the jelly material gives a nice cushion and I’m then I’m not worried about getting either overstimulated or numbed
I’m also on board without the attachment, but I think I couldn’t go for as many rounds that way
Ellie: Yeah, it definitely can get overwhelming after awhile.
I also used it to conduct vibration through that glass dildo? How did that work for you?
Ariel: Really well
Ellie: Was it less intense than with the attachment?
Ariel: Now I’m thinking up all kinds of things that it could conduct through…
Ellie: I’ve done it with rope ;)
Ariel: Sign me up!
It was less intense, but not by much—it was a different sensation entirely for me though
Less conforming to me, and more insistent
Ellie: Yeah, the shape of that toy is really different and the glass is so hard that it will conduct it differently.

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All of my Babeland affiliate commissions from the month of December will be donated to the Butterfly Temptress, a blogger that is battling cancer. You can get 10% off your order at Babeland through December 31st by using coupon code “BUTTERFLY”.