Last night I looked over at Mr. Vanilla and said, “Do you know what we’re going to be doing in two weeks?”

“Um,” he thought for a moment, “needle-fire-bondage-fistfuck?”

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

In case you haven’t heard me babbling about it incessantly on Twitter, we are attending Dark Odyssey Fusion.

I’m excited to be returning to a Dark Odyssey event. This will be my first one since Summer Camp of 2009 and Fusion looks like it will shape up to be excellent.

Mostly, my excitement is too big to leave much room for being nervous. Mr. Vanilla is asking a lot of great questions and seems excited as well. We are also lucky to have a local friend that is  a DO regular so I won’t be the only person there that he will know.

As for the “needle-fire-bondage-fistfuck”? Well, he gets a 3 out of 4 points on that guess. I haven’t made a fisting date just yet. . . Any takers?

We do a lot of things with gender, don’t we? Attack, reflect, unpack, repress, queer, subvert, perform, question, undermine, codify, and, yes, even celebrate.  Sometimes there isn’t a whole lot of celebration going on, is there?  With the Gender Celebration Blog Carnival, I’d like to see that shift a bit. Gender is something we experience and steep in during every moment of our lives, we often butt our heads up against it. Some of us don’t think of it much at all. But, it is a constant presence.

The carnival is about reflecting on gender, questioning it, doing the hard work of grappling with it but also experiencing the joy of celebrating it. Does everything we say have to be all sunshine and puppydog tails? Absolutely not! Celebrations often include intense conflict, debate, and even mourning. This one will be no different. However, my hope is that when we take the time to think, write, and converse about gender we’ll bring good things into the world. We’ll shed light on the beauty of the human family and we’ll all become closer.

It is with that hope in my heart that I am humbly requesting submissions for the first (hopefully of many) Gender Celebration Blog Carnival.

The concept is simple. A group of bloggers all agree to post on the theme of the Carnival during a particular period of time and they link to the posts that transpired at the  end of the Carnival. What happens in the middle is the real magic as we will hopefully have fascinating things to read and great conversations to share on the issues that are generated. Think of it like a two week, virtual cocktail party with a fabulous guest list.

Each Carnival will have a theme and the opening theme is “Living Gender.” What does that mean? Well, you tell me! That is the point of this first Celebration. Share the ways in which you live gender or how gender touches your life. If it sounds like something you could write a dissertation on, then just tell us a tiny piece. Your submission might be a personal essay, an anecdote, a joke, a polemic, a photograph, an piece of art, a poem, or any number of other expressions you can think of.

Getting excited? In that case, please allow me to answer some of the questions you might have.

When will this happen?

July 5th – 16th, 2011. And then hopefully for a few weeks out of every month after that. If participation warrants, future carnivals will stretch across more days.

I want to post for the Gender Celebration Carnival, how do I do it?

Yay! There are two ways to get involved:

1) You can request to be pre-scheduled for the carnival by submitting this form no later than July 3rd, 2011.

This allows you to get scheduled on the carnival and mentioned in the opening post. It also lets all the other carnival participants know to watch out for your post. Your completed post will then be listed on the carnival wrap-up post at the end. It is like having an invitation to the cocktail party.

2) You can just make a post on the theme between 4th and 16th. Then fill in this form with a link to your post.

This option doesn’t allow us to include you in the opening post but we will definitely include you in the wrap-up post. It is like crashing the party but being so charming that you’re still offered a party favor before you leave :)

What is required of participants?
Make two posts on your blog: your submission to the carnival and the carnival wrap-up post.

Your own post is a response to the theme of the carnival in whatever format you refer. I do ask that somewhere in your post you link to the main carnival site (here) as well as the post that came the day before you and the blogger that is coming up after you.

The carnival closing post is a final round-up of all the posts both scheduled and extras that appeared. For the closing post, I request that you include the full list of links provided but beyond that you can customize it as you wish. Add a picture! Comment next to links you loved! Include a summary of a topic that appealed to you. It is your blog and our Celebration so personalize as you wish.

Optionally, you can help promote the Gender Celebration Carnival by posting on the day it opens with the list of blogs participating and the schedule. This information will be provided to all participants and available on this site.

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Ready to sign up? GO!

So, when I had the idea for this post, I scribbled a quick note to myself to remember to write it. It looked like this.

Well, I ended up not needing to refer to it when I sat down and wrote the post. I was pretty handily able to remember the details and get them down without my helpful note. Hence, the note was temporarily buried underneath a book on the coffee table. It wasn’t until recently that I picked up the book again and two notes came falling to the floor. Both my original note (above) and another. This one.

The top item, “Documenting events.” Apparently, Mr. Vanilla decided to document me documenting with a list of things he wanted to remember. His list made me laugh in delight and then promptly made me cry (apparently just as he had done while thinking about how awesome I am.) He is good at that. Poignant and hilarious and sweet all at once.

Oh, and just because I thought you might be wondering. “Bowl of dildos” isn’t some hilarious inside joke it was just another thing (like “noisy cat attention whores” and me “sleeping sweetly”) that he was observing that morning. As long as we’re documenting, here is the proof, or, to state it in the vernacular, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

Of course, if I wanted to nitpick, I’d mention that some of the toys are vibrators and they are in a colander, not a bowl. But, you know me, I’d never want to nitpick.

The other night I was out with Mr. Vanilla and a bunch of friends. He was sitting down the table from me, engrossed in his conversation and I needed his attention. I looked at him and said, “Baby?”

Everyone looked up except him. I laughed at this failure of communication. Later that evening I thought back on this and a snippet of a fantasy came to mind.

The first thing that resters is the smell of eucalyptus/mint organic tile cleaner. My nose is rather suddenly and unexpectedly near the bathroom floor. The next thing that I process is that I didn’t, in fact, fall but was muscled to the floor – a handful of my hair used as a handle.

“Baby?” I manage to squeak out.

I see his toes curl surprisingly close to my face. Then, a tug at my hair signals me to rise.

“Baby isn’t here right now.”

The menacing tone here is unexpected. However, I’m not lifted all the way up. The tight grip on a clump of my hair slightly loosens.

Now, my face isn’t on the floor but instead I’m kneeling before his cock.

“Suck.”

Mr. Vanilla and I are moving in together in a little less than three weeks. Part of the flurry of packing and arranging for the move has been a huge project. He is building a bed for us. He lovingly designed it himself and has been spending every weekend in his workshop finishing it so it can be ready when we move. Among other very charming customizations, the one I’m most excited about is the quarter inch channels that he carved into the posts at the four corners. They were placed in order to create ideal tie off points for rope. I gave him a set of rope last year and finally expect that he’ll be getting more use

My priorities have shifted. I have this amazing relationship with Mr. Vanilla and it is getting more and more serious. However, I don’t think about the sex too much. The last few months the sex has certainly been great but it hasn’t been front and center. I’ve traveled a lot, I’ve spent time with friends, and I’ve planned for my future.

The blogs I read these days are about home decorating. I’m sewing cloth napkins for the apartment I hope Mr. Vanilla and I will have together. As I feel increasingly domesticated I wonder if that means I have been tamed.

Then my subconscious kicks in. The yearnings scratch to the surface. I mourned having to miss Dark Odyssey Summer Camp this year. I had dreams about it for weeks . . . that I was there with friends. I didn’t even miss camp for sexy, artistic reasons. I wasn’t broke, I just couldn’t justify cancelling class. But the dreams kept coming. Bubbling to the surface with pure Id.

And then last week my back was killing me so I got a massage. My masseuse wasn’t particularly hot but he kept whispering and he was rubbing me with these perfect long strokes. I decided to pretend it was Mr. Vanilla and just a few minutes later I had to clear my mind of those thoughts as I didn’t think the masseuse would appreciate me all sexed up on the table.

And then last night there was a thunderstorm and we flung open the blinds so the lightning would illuminate us. And we fucked with this remarkable restraint and stillness. It was like the storm had cornered the market on energy and we were compelled to conserve. I was stunned by the intensity of my climax given the economy of movement. It had a quality to it that was so controlled that I couldn’t bear to collapse when it was over. Instead I hovered and we stared into each other. It wasn’t ravenous or extravagant or sex-bloggy. It was safe and full and very much electric.

And I know that tomorrow I might spend the day thinking about throw pillows and grading. But for now, I surrender to my dreams and expect that the spark is still inside me.

I have been thinking a lot about virginity over the past few months. My own loss of virginity was informed, safe, and joyous. I’ve talked to many people who can’t say the same. I’ve yearned recently to re-enact my first time as a fantasy roleplay. While I’m not exactly sure what makes this so appealing, it is a highly potent fantasy for me. What was your first time like? Does the idea of being in that situation again turn you on?