Welcome back!

I am so pleased with the connections I have made and ideas that are arising as a result of this post. To get a full feel for what I am trying to get at, please read the comments thread as well as the post. My half-baked ideas are starting to form down there because the original post was written without editing and without structure.

It is official. The connection I find between knowledge/schooling and sex moves beyond the theoretical and beyond the fact that I want to fuck my professors.

My notes scribbled inside The History of Sexuality Volume 1 could be for a future paper and they could be for this blog and I’m not sure which venue is appropriate anymore. I’m not sure that my identity as a potential scholar is at all divorced from my identity here. Each day that identity gets more fluid. I tell one more person that I am a phone slut for hire or that I am polyamorous or that I am kinky or that I own sex toys or any number of other details that are starting to feel mundane.

This evening I went to a Foucault reading group. It was 6 graduate students plus Jack, a professor in my department. I refer to him now by the name I gave him in a piece of fiction I wrote 3 years ago (and by “fiction” I mean “daydream committed to blog“). That piece was written near the beginning of my graduate studies (and at the beginning of this blog) but I have known Jack since I was an undergraduate. I don’t kid myself that I have come full circle in some way, but over 3 years of documenting my feelings and thoughts about sex must mean something.

The nature of blogging is that it busts up our ideas about narrative, there often isn’t a clear story or arc of reasoning. Especially in the world of personal blogs, the evolution of emotions and ideas is what carries the real narrative quality. With each post I write I know that it will reach the readers that have read every word I have ever published here (a very small group) as well as those that stumble upon it in isolation of what comes before and what comes after. They may see it 5 minutes after I write or 5 years but it stands on its own in a way that it absolutely cannot. That is my cross to bear of course, but sometimes it makes the writing unbearable and impossible. An impenetrable wall of hyperlinks, exposition, caveats, and insecurity. But I still write.

This isn’t an essay about what compels me but this is rather a story about how I am longing to set myself free from this anonymity. It sounds like a contradiction, right? Anonymity is supposed to bestow my freedom on me, allow me to say and be the things that I never could be in the rest of the world. But what if I want to be those things out in the open, proudly, and productively. What then of my ubiquitous “head shot” that features my arm flung over my face? Where my body is capsized, the emphasis of my being not on my eyes but on my mouth and my tits. Am I just a mouth and tits? I have a voice and I have a sexuality (or at least desireable curves) but I can’t be seen and perhaps I can’t see out. Perhaps you didn’t come here for a deconstructive analysis of my own dirty photos. Perhaps you are the reader I cited above and (if you are even still reading) you are thinking “what is this chick on? what can I get off to? isn’t this supposed to be a sex blog?”

I know that risk. I know that being a sex worker I have this privilege of being myself that I can only exercise to a certain degree. I do have to be always on, always willing to serve, I do have to present an image of myself that is both real and hyper-real at the same time. Am I horny? Generally, yes. This moment, of course. With you, absolutely. That is my mantra and it reflects who I am to a degree. It also determines me. Is it a fabrication if I have become what I strove to represent myself as?

So I was talking about Jack and the Foucault group. I sat with a group of my peers today and I talked about Foucault. Simple enough, something that graduate students do. But it felt like I had so much more at stake. Every fiber of my being was screaming to really dig into the implications of these ideas. What about sex workers? What about BDSM? What about bisexuality? What about a million other predilections/perversions that are all around us but I may not be personally invested in?

But we talked about power. And there is nothing wrong with that, it is the guiding idea in Foucault’s work and it is crucial to understanding what he says about sexuality and sexual identity/orientation. But I craved something else, an honesty that would shock and impress and be productive. I wanted to share knowledge, an ars erotica, with my peers but instead I operated in my usual capacity. I listened to Jack, I nodded my head, and occasionally I re-phrased what he said in order to make sure I understood it. He agreed and all was well but my insides were screaming and my mind was racing with ideas and questions that were both on the tip of my tongue and impossible to articulate.

So, I’m left in this chasm between my academic authority and the authenticity of my experience. Neither is represented here or there and I feel incomplete.

I know this post went in a million different directions and there are more still streaming around in my mind. What would Foucault say about this? Why do I even care what Foucault would say about this? Really, it is an absurd and laughable question but I still find myself clinging to it.

Oh, and happy fucking Half-Naked Thursday, here is a picture of my ass splattered with come. It was taken with Jay’s camera phone after he fucked me during a call with a client. Posting this feels so mundane.

Jay caught this while I primped in the mirror.

So, I thought it was pretty hilarious when Melissa mentioned my boob-shaking Twitter extravaganza on Valleywag yesterday (not to mention posted a pic of my boyfriend wearing my panties). Now I’m getting Twitter friends from people in California. Hmmm, I can’t show my boobs on Twitter but I have some good talents on the phone. So pony up Silicon Valley boys, let me help you out with some of that grrd phone pussy. I promise to Twitter all about it ;)

Thanks to Slydder for helping me get this one back ;)

::Timid wave::

It has been awhile, perhaps some of you thought that I just decided to never come back from Thailand. Well, I did. And school has been intense. But, you know a few things are true when I show up after a long hiatus.

1. The emails asking me when I’m coming back have started to actually make me feel guilty.
2. I have something clever to say.
3. I am procrastinating on school work.

I was having a conversation with a friend (male) about the way he responds to requests for cock shots from all of the ladies that are jocking him. (I’m not entirely convinced that this actually happens, but I decided to play along to preserve his ego.) Anywhooo, he sends me a picture of himself with a suction based pink jelly dildo thwacked onto his forehead. Totally classy, right? (Did, I mention that I would totally do him if he wasn’t such a sadist that I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to sit for a week afterwards?)

This got me thinking about unsolicited cock shots. In the adult dating world they seem to be like a business card. “Oh hello, nice to meet you, I’m a professional dog groomer and I like snowboarding. I hope we can get together and have some fun. Attached you will find a picture of my penis! Cheers, Tom” (This was an actual Myspace message that I got from THE Tom, by the way.)

Honestly, I’m always left scratching my head on these. What do I do with this penis photograph? How do I evaluate it? Well, after careful research, testing and 2 focus groups I have developed:

Ellie’s No-Muss No-Fuss Grading Rubric for Cock Shots

Step One: Did the sender give you a picture of their cock?
If No: Proceed to step two.
If Yes: Fail. Delete the email and bleach your retinas.

Simple, huh?

I’ve been sitting on these pictures for ages, can’t recall why I haven’t published them yet. I’m hoping to take more with this photographer soon.

Download Bedroom Radio #12 – Splish Splash (15MB/ 15minutes)

Join me in the hot tub for some fun with my special guest, J.

I wish I’d had this book with me at the hotel. . .

Questions, Comments, Naked Pictures – bedroomradio@gmail.com or 206-339-7357

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Read on for more photos.

We woke up yesterday morning to some gorgeous sunshine streaming into the bedroom. I couldn’t resist the urge to toss J the camera and encourage him to start snapping pictures. I can’t think of many things better than rolling around in bed covered in soft, clean bamboo sheets and enjoying warm sunshine hitting my skin. It is no mystery why my cats spend so much time doing the same thing. My cats also spend a lot of time doing this.

There is one more of me and also a few of him after the jump.

Up until now the only people that have taken pictures of me naked are myself and people I am having sex with. Recently, I was approached by an amateur erotic photographer who is interested in photographing me. The idea makes me both excited and nervous – I knew I had to find out more.

On Saturday, J and I met up with her for coffee. We hit it off so well that coffee became dinner and her husband joined us. We’ve been invited to their home for dinner next week.

Have I mentioned that they are gorgeous and funny and incredibly intelligent people? So, letting her take naked pictures of me is a no-brainer. Still, it seems weird to have someone I’m not sleeping with see me naked. I guess I’ll have to get her to sleep with me. . .