April – Where I attended Sex 2.0 and had a fire lit under me. I started a Twitter account, got involved with FetLife, and relaunched my podcast. I finally realized that I was part of a community and felt like I belonged.

May – I started reviewing products on my podcast and blog for VibeReview.

June – I spent a lot of time thinking about sex work in both text and audio forms. I also got sort of pissy and ridiculous about blogging and met Artemis Hunter for the first time.

July – I had my first freelance work published in The Naughty American and dug up some old camwhore shots. I also experienced a bit of heartbreak, but it turned out a great piece of writing if I do say so myself. I also got tied up by Artemis and finally hooked up with Carmine who had previously only been known as “cross-dressing law student“. Finally, I began publishing the Musings on Masculinity series.

August – The biggest news and one of the happiest days of my last several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much better.

September – I was named #5 on the list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008 among started a bajillion other projects. We also went to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp which was a watershed event for me despite the fact that I haven’t talked about it too much. I also presented at the Fetish Fair Flea Market and got to meet Catalina and Marky for the first time.

October – The posts slowed down and the earth stopped moving because something remarkable happened. We met Ariel and Michael and fell in love and my feet still haven’t touched the ground. At first I could only express the feelings in music. But. . .

November -  . . . soon I found more detailed words and images to express my thoughts. I captured the unique sadomasochistic relationship that Michael and I have developed as well as the experienced of being fucked by Ariel for the first time. And the sexy gave way to the mundanely profound as we found ourselves forming a type of family, broken hollondaise and all.

December – Ariel starts lending a hand with reviews and I think that the format suits this site. Jay and I also visited New York and saw tons of the friends that we met through the year. I also spent a sedate Birthday and Hanukkah at home with my new chosen family.

However, Catalina and Marky are amazingly cool people and both brilliantly fun, smart, and sexy. Know how sometimes when you are meeting someone for the first time it can be weird and you get uncomfortable because they aren’t exactly what you expect them to be? Well, this was *not* one of those situations.

On Saturday they both attended my class along with a small group and I got to have a great conversation/workshop with some lovely people about how to improve communication in their relationships and share fantasies with phone sex. After my class, it was time to go shopping since that was what the Fetish Fair was about.

Jay and I saw tons of cool stuff from some great vendors but we were most swayed by the amazing assortment of canes from The Kink Shop. We picked out three pretty thick ones and I can’t wait to try them out.

Our friends Liz and Alex had come to see us at the Fetish Fair and after we got our canes, Liz ran up to me in a gorgeous under the bust corset. She hadn’t been wearing it when I saw her just a few minutes before and I quickly complimented her on it. So, just for kicks, she said she would show me the vendor she had got it from.

Bear in mind that I had absolutely no intention of buying a corset. They are certainly gorgeous but it seemed like a lot of money to spend on a single item of clothing. However, the owner of Passional was really lovely and sweet and cinched me into a few just to try them out. This brings me to my tutorial on how to get your boyfriend to buy you a corset. Just follow this simple procedure:

Step One: Try on corset and let boyfriend see.

Congratulations! You have just successfully gotten your boyfriend to buy you a corset. I wish I was kidding but Jay’s hand was on his wallet before I even made it to the mirror. Sure, it was a lot of money to spend but he rationalized that it was a gift for both of us. So, how does it look?  How about you tell me.

More pictures are right on Flickr.

It has been a little quiet here lately so I thought I would let everyone know the other things I have been up to both on and offline.

Top 100 Sexy Bloggers of 2008 – I was honored to be named #5 on this amazing list of blogs compiled by Rori. I was stunned by the remarkable company I shared on this list and if you are just getting into sex blogs, I highly suggest checking out the entire list. The top 20 bloggers are as follows:

1. Sinclair Sexsmith http://sugarbutch.net
2. Radical Vixen http://www.radicalvixen.com
3. Curvaceous Dee http://curvaceousdee.blogspot.com
4. Always Aroused Girl http://aagblog.com
5. Ellie Lumpesse www.lumpesse.com
6. Catalina http://catalinaloves.com
7. Selena Kitt http://selenakittyn.com
8-9. Wifey and Hubby http://wifeytalk.com
10. Roger http://wwww.dirtyboy2.blogspot.com
11. Essin’ Em http://essin-em.com
12. Amber Rhea http://www.beingamberrhea.com
13-14. Richard and Amy http://247richardandamy.com
15-16. MJ and MJ’s Slave http://www.aslavestruenature.blogspot.com
17. Thursday’s Child http://thursdayschildhasfartogo.blogspot.com
18. Narration by D http://narrationbyd.blogspot.com
19. Andrea Zanin http://www.sexgeek.wordpress.com
20. The Provocateur http://theprovocateur.wordpress.com

The Femme’s Guide to Absolutely Everything – I have been asked by the lovely Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek to contribute to this wonderful group blog about femme identity. My most recent post there is about the first time I was properly kissed. I was 18 and it was with one of my closest girlfriends. Here is an excerpt:

So there we were. December in Milwaukee and the car is idling and I am shaking like a leaf. She said lots of things in the intervening moments. About how I didn’t have to and she wasn’t trying to presure me. I think she needed me to express desire but all I could muster was terror.

Then she took my hand. She started slowly caressing my palm with her fingertips and nails. Rubbing my flesh in hers like a piece of clay. I was silent except for my tiny gasps for breath. I tried to focus all of the terror into my hand and let Sarah take it away, mash it in her soft fingers until it was nothing.

You might want to read the rest of “My First (Proper) Kiss” and check out the rest of Femme’s Guide while you’re at it. In fact, why not subscribe to the RSS feed so you won’t miss a thing?

Best Sex Bloggers – This fabulous group blog, started by Catalina, features amazing bloggers, podcasters, and photographers with both re-posted and original material. I have been contributing regularly over there and will be editing some collaborative writing projects amongst the bloggers. The site is new and already creating a buzz, I’m so pleased to be part of it. Why should you read? You’ll learn about new bloggers, find great things to read, and you might even win fabulous sex toys in a contest. You can subscribe to the RSS feed to keep up with everything that happens there.

Live Girl Review – Some of the toy reviews that appear on this blog also appear at Live Girl Review. This blog and podcast is produced by the multi-talented Audacia Ray. I’m constantly in awe of her and was thrilled when I was allowed to contribute to this project along with many talented sex writers. Fancy the RSS feed for the blog posts and podcast?

Junkbuzzed – Back in the spring a helped launch a sex and humor blog. I started linking to it here but I never really announced my involvement officially. While I haven’t been a big part of Junkbuzzed recently, I’m trying to post there more regularly again. The editor there is The Snarling Misanthrope (known around these parts as Marc) and he is one of the most talented satire writers I have ever read much less had the opportunity to work with. My most recent post there was a humorous take on my needle play experience titled, “Suburban Ennui Leads to Needle Play.” But really, I am not the main attraction at this blog and that is a good thing. I could not pen hilarity like an advice column called “Ask a Gor Master” or an epic sex toy review that involves a vat of lube and Star Wars collectibles. If you don’t listen to me any other time in your life, listen now and subscribe to Junkbuzzed.

Of course there is no way that I need to tell you about my podcast, Bedroom Radio? You can add that feed directly to the podcatcher of your choice so it will show up on your computer and mp3 player as soon as a new episode appears. Upcoming episodes will include Always Aroused Girl, Bliss Warrior, and Regina Lynn. There are also always great little goodies like erotica readings, sexy music, or sex toy reviews. You know how I review toys right? Well, lets just say it is more of a demonstration than a mere review.

For the complete stalking experience, you can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, and MySpace.

The more of this I type the less of a life it seems that I have.

***

But, I actually do have a life outside of my home and it will be taking me to a few amazing kink events in the next month.

Dark Odyssey Summer Camp – In a few days, Jay and I will be leaving for Dark Odyssey Summer Camp. If you have heard of this event, you know exactly why I am so excited. If you haven’t, Viviane has been kind enough to round up the posts from previous years that she went to camp. We’ll be staying with some amazing people there and I expect to have a lot of phenomenal stories to share.

Fetish Fair Flea Market – I am thrilled that I was invited to present at this regional kink event. My presentation will be on “Kinky Phone Sex For Couples” and will involve some fun, sexy demonstrations and practice opportunities. There are some great play parties also scheduled for this event and a whole host of amazing speakers.

***

Are you still reading? Well, want to see something way hotter than what I’ve listed above? My darling, wonderful friend Thursday wrote this gorgeous fantasy about me. A snippet:

Later, she lays on top of me, pressed thigh to thigh, hip to hip. The buzzing head of the Hitachi rests between us, right on the curve of our clefts, and as we grind against each other, I have all but forgotten the presence of the men, so lost am I in the soft perfume of her skin.

So, you might want to read the rest of that, huh? I really want to meet this woman soon and re-enact this dream.

[Image via Helene Black]

Download Episode #19 of Bedroom Radio (15MB, 33minutes)

In this episode, I read a great piece of erotic fiction from Jack of Writing Dirty. Additionally, Jay and I demonstrate the Door Jam Cuffs from Vibe Review and test out the Snugglepuss vibrator.

Right now, enjoy 10% off any purchase at Vibe Review by shopping through this link!

************************

Contact Me Like This:
Email: bedroomradio@gmail.com
Voicemail: 206-339-5939
Website: bedroomradio.blogspot.com
Blog: www.lumpesse.com
More More More:
Twitter
Subscribe
Smoking Hot Phone Sex
Sex Toys and Vibrator Reviews at VibeReview

Anyone that has been following my Twitter lately knows that I’ve got a pretty serious crush on Thursday’s Child. Sure, all of us flirt on there, but this one is real. I am so lucky to have met Thursday and D and to count them as close friends. I’ve watched them go through struggles and growth over the last few months and I’ve been honored to be a friend to them. Jay and I hope to meet them very soon – plane tickets will be ordered one of these days and we will have them to ourselves.

Lately, Thursday and I have been leaving each other fun little voicemails to titillate and amuse. I’ve mostly been playful, sexy, and tried to have fun. This morning, though, I woke up and had a message from her. It had come in the middle of the night and I had a feeling it would be special. I was right. I knew I couldn’t do the sexiness of this message justice by just describing it. No, my dear audiophiles, you deserve to hear it. Grab the headphones!

Thursday’s Voicemail to Me

You back? Shaking like I was? When I first met Thursday I was instantly attracted to her, we are so similar in so many ways and she felt like the sister I never had. Except, I suppose most people don’t want to do to their sisters what I want to do to her. I have the same curiosities about her skin and her body. We have already warned the boys that they may have to sit calmly in the corner as we focus on each other. They might whine but it will be worth it.

The interesting thing is, that it wasn’t until Sex 2.0 that I really felt *part* of that community. I always felt like an onlooker or even interloper. I still don’t feel like I’m one of the “hip” bloggers with lots of comments (although that has been picking up) and sitting on everyone’s blogrolls.

Part of it is because I don’t play the game. But I don’t think it is a bad game at all – I just feel so uncomfortable asking for recognition. But I am going to do it now.

Rori at Between My Sheets is compiling a list of the best Sex Bloggers of 2008. You know what, I sort of think I deserve to be part of that list. No, fuck it, I do deserve it, I’m proud of what I do and I can think of a 100 or 200 other people that are also deserving but I am going to ask you, my reader, to consider me.

So, come out of hiding for a moment, if you are one my clients and I’ve touched your life, a passing reader that likes my thoughts or my pictures, another blogger that respects me, do me a solid today and tell her about it.

All she wants to know is a few words about why you think I’m deserving. Even as I type this I wonder if I am and if I should even publish this post, but I am going to. I’m also linking to some of my proudest moments on this blog – the posts I have loved that I think you will love too.

(Note: All my comments before April of this year were lost when my site crashed. I have them but I’ll have to restore them by hand and I haven’t had the time to. If you want to re-populate any of these posts, feel free.)

Slipping Into Something More Comfortable (October of 2005)
Bedroom Radio #5 (October of 2005)
A (Reluctant) Spanking (December of 2005)
Tangled Up (January of 2006)
Women Can Be Sick Fucks Too (April of 2006)
Black Dicks In White Chicks (June of 2006)
The First Threesome (August of 2006)
Rope Bondage Images (September of 2006)
Loose Women (February of 2007)
Sex On the Beach (May of 2007)
Threesomes Don’t Have to Suck (September of 2007)
Tease (October of 2007)
What About Masculinity (April of 2008)
Desire Beyond Reason But Within Bounds (April of 2008)
Thoughts On Spanking (May of 2008)
What About the Johns? (June of 2008)
Are You A Sex Blogger or A Sexy Blogger? (July of 2008)

Download Episode #18 of Bedroom Radio

In this episode I interview Artemis Hunter, a fantastic rope artist from Atlanta, GA and review the very powerful Silver Bullet vibrator from Vibe Review.

Contact Me Like This:
Email: bedroomradio@gmail.com
Voicemail: 206-339-5939
Website: bedroomradio.blogspot.com
Blog: www.lumpesse.com
More More More:
Twitter
Subscribe
Smoking Hot Phone Sex
Sex Toys and Vibrator Reviews at VibeReview

The people that are being honest* with their partners and doing things correctly always stand at risk. Especially when they play with people that are single but inherently monogamous. This accounts for my conversation with Jude. I’ve told him my fear that what I have with him or might have with him has a built-in expiration date until he can find a girlfriend that he commits to. Now, there are a variety of reasons that I could never be that woman in his life (the fact that I am already in a committed relationship might not even top the list) but it leads to some uncomfortable twinges when we talk about our lives. He feels absolutely no jealousy towards Jay but does feel a bit towards the other men I speak to. And when he tells me about other women, my sense of urgency to get to him and get to be with him is increased.

Now, most of you might be thinking, “Jesus, Ellie, you have Jay and you have these other people, you are so lucky, stop complaining!” I can’t say that I even have an answer to that sentiment other than the gut feeling that I both know how lucky I am and still want to honor the challenges that our little household faces on a daily basis.

So, Tom’s thoughts on the trepidation he and C. experience about their third partner leaving them for someone monogamous is a real fear in my life right now. One that could thwart something lovely for me before it even really starts. And also a fear that has me feeling like a bad and selfish person who would begrudge a friend finding happiness. See the rub there?

Ultimately, though, this is all about honesty. I don’t think that a sex blogger has an obligation to be honest to anyone other than their romantic partners. So when I see someone that is being honest with everyone *but* their romantic partners, it rubs me the wrong way. Here is the comment I left for Tom:

Confessional writing about these sorts of “sins” isn’t productive if everyone pats you on the back and says you are a princess. In fact, it only becomes enabling. So many of us are writing sex blogs to seek the approval of other people (of course it is fashionable to say “I write this only for myself” as if that explains why one would host and promote it on the internet.) I don’t think there is anything wrong with getting that validation but one can’t admit wrong-doing without being spanked for it a bit. If you go through your life that way, you will be convinced that your actions are somehow okay.

I got blasted/warned/attacked on this blog when Jay and I started seeing each other. Even though I was being COMPLETELY honest with C (my C, not Tom’s). I didn’t feel it was fair but I also knew that my experimenting was reminding people of a lot of bad memories and feelings. While this blog isn’t exactly a public space (it is mine), I have no reason to shut out the (often helpful) perspectives of others. Even if they don’t speak to me, they likely speak to someone.

*Full disclosure: Many of my clients are married or in relationships. I have deeply complex and conflicted feelings about my place in their lives. However, one thing I will say is that this fact is why many of them would never be lovers and will always be clients. No matter how much they turn me on.

I bought this little crinoline slip the other day and have been wearing it almost constantly. Jay caught me laying in bed reading and wearing onlythis the other day.

New slip :)

Originally uploaded by lumpesse

This drawing is the artist’s depiction of Jay and I having some fun on the phone with one of my lucky clients. Oh, and it goes with the article I just had published by The Naughty American. Go read it! The comments there so far include some confused English language learners and someone calling me a pretentious attention whore. So this is what it is like when I leave the confines of my safe little blog ;)

Then something shifted. I told him about Marc and the disappointment I felt about him. I told him about these new things I was longing for, how it scared me and excited me at the same time. He perked up.

Suddenly, I found myself thinking about Jude. Thinking about hearing from him, thinking about turning him on, thinking about pleasing him. But mostly thinking about some inevitable moment when we would be in the same room and we would know if it had all just been talk and fantasy.

That moment hasn’t come yet.

There are a lot of ways in which Jude isn’t my type. He is more conservative than I am. He can be condescending. I don’t think he is particularly reliable.

But I hunger for him and to please him. His voice penetrates me and controls me. At no suggestion of his, I find myself moved to the corners of my most taboo and violent fantasies. Turned on and tuned into ideas that would otherwise scare me or repulse me or both.

I just told Jude that I am writing about him but I don’t know how the story ends. Anyone that knows me knows that I usually thrive on this sort of tension. But today it just feels like a dull pain – a longing that may not ever be fulfilled.

I was so happy to see this article from Violet Blue that has an in depth discussion of the clients that keep sex workers, well, working.

Another excellent resource on this topic is the great Letters from Johns blog that is run by the amazing Susannah Breslin. The blog is a brilliant concept exercised with simplicity and grace. I just wish there were more letters. They range from clueless to compassionate and everything in-between.

Honestly, I gave up on writing this entry a few minutes into it and recorded a podcast instead. Please download it – it is my thoughts on sex work and clients and the interactions between them. It is based on limited experience. I am sure I said some things that will offend people. I didn’t mean to but I want to start a discourse on sex work that includes the voices of clients as clients.

My email address is lumpesse AT gmail DOT com and the number to call with your ideas is 206-339-5939 (To be 100% clear, this is not my phone sex line – it is just a voicemail box, it won’t cost you anything beyond long distance and your time and I won’t answer the phone).

I really want to collect audio so you can leave it as a voicemail or email it to me. Or upload it on your own blog or talk about it on your own podcast. I do plan to make another show (or more! many?) out of the comments that I get so if you don’t want your comment included, please state that very clearly in your message to me. Please pass on the word about this to anyone you can think of that might be interested.

Download Bedroom Radio 16.5: An Open Call to Clients of Sex Workers

I think that the last woman sums things up pretty well. It isn’t for everyone but when it is right, it is just right. I’d assert that there are definitely times it can be as intense as the real thing.

The event was an interesting one for me personally because I have never appeared publicly in relation to this blog or my work in phone sex. I was both excited and nervous but luckily I met some of the most amazing people during the process and therefore felt totally safe.

The weekend began for us on Friday afternoon when Jay and I arrived at our hotel, I had time for a quick cleaning up after the car ride and then ran to the airport to pick up Melissa who I’ve been waiting to meet forever. You know how you meet some people and they are nothing like you expected them to be based on their writing? Well, this was not the situation with Melissa. She is bright, cheerful, sarcastic, and carries this amazing presence given her tiny frame. After getting Melissa to the hotel I met up with Match for a drink before the pole dancing party.

The pole party was a blast, again I expected to feel self-conscious and worried but everyone was gorgeous and sexy and uninhibited and that sort of thing rubs off on you. This is where I met Mistress Maeve, who happens to be one of the most stunning women I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, she doesn’t do pictures but here is everyone at the party (excluding myself and Maeve.)

While I was pole dancing, Jay was at the Clermont Lounge with a bunch of people from the conference. The original plan was to head over there after the party was over but I was so exhausted that we headed back to the hotel instead. We went to a lot of trouble to get a nice hotel room with a whirlpool tub and all sorts of neat features but we didn’t use them at all and instead just crashed. I was surprised to realize that I had actually gotten sore from pole dancing. The front of my thighs were in rough shape because I guess that a lot of what I had been doing was basically squats.

We woke up bright and early, had some breakfast at the hotel, and headed to the conference. I got to see 1763 for the first time and was pretty impressed. When they said that the conference was happening at a dungeon, they weren’t just messing around. This place was, as they like to say on the internet, serious business. There were several rooms outfitted with lots of different equipment and the central space was huge and featured a giant shower in one corner (that Viviane quipped was the size of a New York studio apartment.) We arrived as Amber was giving the opening comments and then got to see Dacia give her keynote remarks. At this point it was time for the first session and I chose to attend Melissa’s. She trotted out her bag of tricks from being a sexual health educator and assigned us to perform roleplays of various sex and internet problems that people might have. I got the joy of performing a creative piece that Match and I developed to deal with jealousy that insignificant others might have over blog fans. I don’t remember much of it other than Match cracking everyone up with his request that I “@ him while I do it“. This was the first sign that Twitter was going to be a driving force of the weekend.

The next session I went to was run by Elizabeth Wood and was on Creating the Sex Commons. This was definitely the most thought-provoking and emotionally difficult sessions that I attended because we talked about responsibility. And I thought a lot about my responsibilities as a sex positive person when I step into a classroom and when I open a blog post and how (if ever) those two things are meant to interact. (I have written about this before). I also thought a lot about my responsibilities to my clients and friends and this session made me realize what important group of people were missing from Sex 2.0 – the clients. We were many of us there sex workers but none of us were paid consumers and I really wished that perspective had been present. Maybe next year!

After lunch I attended a session by the lovely Cunning Minx of Poly Weekly. Since Jay and I have struggled with our open relationship I thought that some tips might be helpful and Minx was encouraging and helpful while remaining quite realistic. I appreciated her sense of humor and grace in discussing icky emotions such as jealousy.

After this session, it was time for my own. I felt under-prepared but the vibe at the conference was so pleasant and open that I was really excited and confident anyway. In preparation, I had surveyed some phone sex operators and asked them about their personal phone sex habits and histories. I found out some interesting tidbits about the industry and how the average operator feels about phone sex. Some said that they regularly get off during calls, some said that they would never ever get off because phone sex doesn’t turn them on at all. Some said that they have NEVER done phone sex before being hired as a professional, others had done it recreationally for years. These statistics were interesting to my audience but what they really wanted to know was the nitty gritty of the job. How to get started, how to promote yourself, what to do to get the caller to tell you what they want and make them happy. I enjoyed sharing my expertise and it seems like there might be some more bloggers cum phone sex operators on the scene in the near future. Certainly a lot of women decide to do phone sex (as themselves or as a character) and the blog and promotional efforts come later. This is a logical way to go about things but I’m really grateful for the route that I ended up taking. This blog is too important to me to be reduced to a pure marketing effort. The minimal planning that I did for the session went out the window when I realized that we had run out of time just on me answering questions.

The last session that I attended was Viviane’s sex blogging session. Since I’ve been doing this for a few years, I had covered most of the ground that she did but it was amazingly informative. I can imagine that people just starting out with blogging got an amazing leg up because Viviane was sharing things with them that it took me *years* to figure out. Also, she is hot and amazing and brilliant so I wanted to bask in her presence.

Honestly, the day ended too soon. As it was wrapping up I was wishing that there was more but luckily the social opportunities had just begun. More on that later but for now check out Sakura Sarashi’s account of the evening and Sunday as she was with me the entire time.

Because this event is oh so 2.0 I have succumbed to Twitter (look to your right) and I will also be liveblogging the conference itself. Basically, you’ll know more than you need to know about what is going on with me for the next few days.

Oh, and here is the description for my session on Saturday afternoon in case you were wondering about it:

Becoming a Sex Worker Without Leaving Your House: How the Internet Has Brought Phone Sex to the 21st Century

Think that phone sex went out of style with hair metal? Well all things old are new again on the internet and this session will discuss the nuts and bolts of the phone sex world both professional and recreational. We’ll discuss:

* How to land a job as a phone sex operator or start marketing your own phone sex business.
* Where phone sex operators fit in among the world of sex bloggers, educators, and workers.
* And, most importantly, how to give good phone sex and be a considerate phone sex partner – for fun and profit!

“No,” I say, “Not yet. I just want you to listen for now.”

He listens to the sounds of me as I stroke my wet pussy. Describing for him in excruciating detail how I am moving my fingers over my wetness, teasing my clit. I remind him frequently that his hands shouldn’t be on his cock right now. Then I relent a bit and give him what he wants.

“Alright, stroke your cock for a moment, but you must stop when I’m done counting to 10.”

He yearns to reach his release before I say 10 but misses it just at the cusp. I hear the disappointment echo in his exhale. I have him frustrated and weak. My pussy drips thinking about the control I am exercising.

I coo in his ear and tell him that I’m about to slide a nice thick toy into my pussy. I let him listen to me fuck myself. As I come, I allow him to touch himself but only with his fingertips. I can almost hear him trying to figure out how he might be able to make himself come with that sort of stimulation.

The play goes on. More 10 second count downs. More near misses. More yearning and begging as I get more turned on by my power.

I bet you’re wondering now if I ever let the poor man come. I guess you’ll have to keep waiting. After all, we’ve established that I’m a tease.

Over the past several months, Jay and I have noticed that when I am being fucked very hard, I lose some of my capabilities and seem to sink into a pre-verbal, primal moment. The first time it happened, I didn’t even recognize what had occurred, I just had the idea that I had been noisy. When I asked Jay what had happened, he told me that I had been screaming my head off for several minutes. That explained why my voice was so raw.

This sort of thing happened again on the phone a few nights ago. I was taking a call on my line where the caller listens to me get fucked by Jay. I always enjoy myself, naturally, and this caller had listened to us before. Something clicked this time and I lost myself again. I can’t say exactly what circumstances lead to it. Clearly the persistence of Jay’s thrusts deep into me were the primary factor. But the encouraging voice on the other end of the line – a New Yorker hitting every button as he told me what a dirty slut I am. The moment took me away. When it was finally over, there was stunned silence on the other end of the line and I tried to regain my composure. Again, I didn’t really know what had occurred or how long it had gone on for.

In a conversation later, our caller told me that he was stunned and had never heard anything like it. He also remarked that I was saying something between the screams from time to time but that he couldn’t make it out. Could I have been speaking in tongues? We consulted with Jay since he would have been the most likely to know what I had been saying. Apparently it was “I’m dying” or “I’m going to die.”

On face level this seems pretty creepy, but I immediately started thinking of it a little differently. The French have a euphemism for orgasm, “la petite mort”, which means “the little death.” How is orgasm like death? Well, Jacques Lacan said that it is part of our death drive (i the Freudian sense). The jouissance of orgasm is a manifestation of this. Not all orgasm reaches this level, though. For Lacan, jouissance is moving beyond the limits of pleasure that we place on ourselves. And therefore jouissance is suffering – pleasure that has gone too far.

So, my trance-like state and screaming as if I were being killed makes some sense in the scheme of things. I don’t think that I’ve actually achieved jouissance because nothing about that moment was suffering. But, perhaps I was on the edge of achieving too much of a good thing. Being fucked so hard that I couldn’t handle the pleasure.

I’m craving the chance to tease the hell out of a grovelling man. Something has gotten into me this evening and I desperately want a slave boy at my feet, staring up at me adoringly, and praying that I will treat him with kindness. I don’t want to treat him with kindness.

I want him bound and beaten. I want him to take my strap on or suck the cock of whatever real man I have sitting around at the moment. I want to tease him with peeks at my stockings, panties, cleavage but not let him touch himself.

I want him to beg me for release and laugh in his face. Give him the chance to smell my skin and then slap him. There is no satisfaction for the weak-willed in my mind tonight.