Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert » Media

Swept

Ellie — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 04:23:00 +0000

Several evenings ago Mr. Vanilla shared dinner at home with some friends and after seeing them off wandered back to his office where the music for the evening was being loudly piped into the house. We had been stealing kisses all evening and had stumbled upon privacy just as an insanely danceable and fun song from the most recent Nick Cave album came on. He grabbed me and we danced.

I felt, in turn, silly, sexy, joyous, and elated. The good music persisted with some wonderful Northern Soul showing up on the playlist. We danced with no regard to how we must have looked because no one was looking. I know he looked sexy and fun and like someone I was hoping to laugh with and feel this unashamed before for a long time.

The sloppy kisses and coy glances then gave way to Frank Sinatra. What I’m about to describe could have been cheesy and insincere. But it wasn’t. He pulled me close, looked in my eyes, and sung me a love song. And I started off blushing and giggling but then I gave up those pretenses and just basked in what seemed to be sincere admiration and love.

I could write about the intensely intimate sex we had that evening. But, you know, every boyfriend I’ve ever had has fucked me. None have ever serenaded me before.

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The Year That Was: 2008 In Review

Ellie — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 02:30:07 +0000

January – Jay and I started the year by celebrating our 2nd anniversary together. If you want to refresh on how we first met (and the aftermath of that) you’ll have to look back to January of 2006. We were in Thailand for half of this month and pretty depressed to back in the US again. So, you didn’t hear from me again until. . .

April – Where I attended Sex 2.0 and had a fire lit under me. I started a Twitter account, got involved with FetLife, and relaunched my podcast. I finally realized that I was part of a community and felt like I belonged.

May – I started reviewing products on my podcast and blog for VibeReview.

June – I spent a lot of time thinking about sex work in both text and audio forms. I also got sort of pissy and ridiculous about blogging and met Artemis Hunter for the first time.

July – I had my first freelance work published in The Naughty American and dug up some old camwhore shots. I also experienced a bit of heartbreak, but it turned out a great piece of writing if I do say so myself. I also got tied up by Artemis and finally hooked up with Carmine who had previously only been known as “cross-dressing law student“. Finally, I began publishing the Musings on Masculinity series.

August – The biggest news and one of the happiest days of my last several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much better.

September – I was named #5 on the list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008 among started a bajillion other projects. We also went to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp which was a watershed event for me despite the fact that I haven’t talked about it too much. I also presented at the Fetish Fair Flea Market and got to meet Catalina and Marky for the first time.

October – The posts slowed down and the earth stopped moving because something remarkable happened. We met Ariel and Michael and fell in love and my feet still haven’t touched the ground. At first I could only express the feelings in music. But. . .

November - . . . soon I found more detailed words and images to express my thoughts. I captured the unique sadomasochistic relationship that Michael and I have developed as well as the experienced of being fucked by Ariel for the first time. And the sexy gave way to the mundanely profound as we found ourselves forming a type of family, broken hollondaise and all.

December – Ariel starts lending a hand with reviews and I think that the format suits this site. Jay and I also visited New York and saw tons of the friends that we met through the year. I also spent a sedate Birthday and Hanukkah at home with my new chosen family.

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The growing problem of tentacle rape

Ellie — Sat, 13 Dec 2008 15:09:34 +0000

Sabrina has re-launched her brilliant blog Full Frontal Politics with an incisive and spot-on article about the Australian Supreme Court’s decision to convict a man on child pornography charges for possessing drawn images of Simpsons characters engaging in sexual acts.

Okay. Let’s put our niche porn marketing hats on here and shine the red light of reason upon this logic. Someone who is looking for cartoon photos of The Simpsons characters is probably not fueling the demand for genuine child porn that does involve the abuse of children. Shock-value cartoon porn simply doesn’t tend to cross over to the screams and pain of gory reality. Many–most I’ve talked to–viewers of cartoon porn and hentai prefer it because they’re trying to get away from the gray areas of gory reality. Let’s ignore, for a moment, the obvious slippery-slope leap of logic used here and assume, for a moment, that it’s possible for fiction to inspire its viewers to enact crimes portrayed therein.

(“Pull Down Your Skirt; Your Id Is Showing”)

I’ll spare you the round of, “Amen, sistah” and just direct you to read the rest of her insightful commentary. She has moved past outrage, into logic, and ultimately has me a little afraid. Fiction is just that and the goriest and most brutal crimes and atrocities are committed in it. When I think of the fictional material available in the world, Bart banging Lisa is pretty low on my scale of disgust and revulsion.

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Music is My Boyfriend

Ellie — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:18:31 +0000

Most people that read this blog know that I have an intense relationship with music. My podcast started out being about sex and music and the level to which I sexualize music is pretty clear if you listen to episodes of it. But, I’ve never really written about the stumbling blocks I’ve had with music through the years.

When I met C in 2002 he was my destined to be my first for a lot of things. One of the fundamental pieces of our early romance was music. It was a love affair conducted via file transfer and mixtape. His excitement for me was carried with outpourings of new sounds and arrangements I’d never imagined before. I learned to use music to love and to share music as an act of devotion.

When C and I broke up, this left me in a peculiar place. Plenty of couples have a few songs that they consider “theirs” and of course those songs can, in turn, bring back either wistfulness or painful memories. The problem with my relationship with C is that music was such a big part of it (he a record label owner and club DJ and me being a radio DJ) that it wasn’t particular songs that reminded me of him or even particular artists, it was music itself.

Melody and lyric had been the language that we loved each other in and thus they were too painful to hear when I lost him. This might sound dramatic and silly but it was a reality for me. I was ruined on music for awhile. When Jay and I fell deeper in love I wanted to share it with him but painstakingly picking through my music collection was still too raw. Instead I brought an external hard-drive to his house and dumped a few gig of my library onto his computer and let him sort it out for himself. It was heartless and impersonal.

Finally, years out from my breakup with C, I am falling in love again. This time it isn’t bittersweet because Jay and I cling together, steadfast in our dedication to each other and our life together. He is my cheerleader in my new, fragile loves with Michael and Ariel. And I am, in turn, his. The greatest revelation has been that music has come back to me.

Driving home from visits to see Michael and Ariel, Jay and I found ourselves singing silly love songs at full volume. As I opened my heart to many loves, it opened to old and new melodies to express them in. Every song was about me and I’ve never been so grateful for being a trite cliche.

So, here is a mix CD that they got in the mail from me yesterday (a few tracks are missing because they weren’t on Grooveshark). It is a lot of silly love songs, inside jokes, swelling melodies, and love.

© Ellie for Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert, 2008. | Permalink | No comment | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: love, music, Non-monogamy, Sex

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Still mostly wordless

Ellie — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 07:22:31 +0000

So much has been said these past two weeks but I still feel like it isn’t for the rest of the world. I can’t articulate myself in a way that makes it as big as it is so I keep it to myself and I privately swoon to a few friends and still feel like I miss the mark. There are tears of pain and joy and I’m so grateful for everything I’m feeling. Another playlist:

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Where Else is Ellie?

Ellie — Sun, 07 Sep 2008 22:46:26 +0000

It has been a little quiet here lately so I thought I would let everyone know the other things I have been up to both on and offline.

Top 100 Sexy Bloggers of 2008 – I was honored to be named #5 on this amazing list of blogs compiled by Rori. I was stunned by the remarkable company I shared on this list and if you are just getting into sex blogs, I highly suggest checking out the entire list. The top 20 bloggers are as follows:

1. Sinclair Sexsmith http://sugarbutch.net
2. Radical Vixen http://www.radicalvixen.com
3. Curvaceous Dee http://curvaceousdee.blogspot.com
4. Always Aroused Girl http://aagblog.com
5. Ellie Lumpesse www.lumpesse.com
6. Catalina http://catalinaloves.com
7. Selena Kitt http://selenakittyn.com
8-9. Wifey and Hubby http://wifeytalk.com
10. Roger http://wwww.dirtyboy2.blogspot.com
11. Essin’ Em http://essin-em.com
12. Amber Rhea http://www.beingamberrhea.com
13-14. Richard and Amy http://247richardandamy.com
15-16. MJ and MJ’s Slave http://www.aslavestruenature.blogspot.com
17. Thursday’s Child http://thursdayschildhasfartogo.blogspot.com
18. Narration by D http://narrationbyd.blogspot.com
19. Andrea Zanin http://www.sexgeek.wordpress.com
20. The Provocateur http://theprovocateur.wordpress.com

The Femme’s Guide to Absolutely Everything – I have been asked by the lovely Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek to contribute to this wonderful group blog about femme identity. My most recent post there is about the first time I was properly kissed. I was 18 and it was with one of my closest girlfriends. Here is an excerpt:

So there we were. December in Milwaukee and the car is idling and I am shaking like a leaf. She said lots of things in the intervening moments. About how I didn’t have to and she wasn’t trying to presure me. I think she needed me to express desire but all I could muster was terror.

Then she took my hand. She started slowly caressing my palm with her fingertips and nails. Rubbing my flesh in hers like a piece of clay. I was silent except for my tiny gasps for breath. I tried to focus all of the terror into my hand and let Sarah take it away, mash it in her soft fingers until it was nothing.

You might want to read the rest of “My First (Proper) Kiss” and check out the rest of Femme’s Guide while you’re at it. In fact, why not subscribe to the RSS feed so you won’t miss a thing?

Best Sex Bloggers – This fabulous group blog, started by Catalina, features amazing bloggers, podcasters, and photographers with both re-posted and original material. I have been contributing regularly over there and will be editing some collaborative writing projects amongst the bloggers. The site is new and already creating a buzz, I’m so pleased to be part of it. Why should you read? You’ll learn about new bloggers, find great things to read, and you might even win fabulous sex toys in a contest. You can subscribe to the RSS feed to keep up with everything that happens there.

Live Girl Review – Some of the toy reviews that appear on this blog also appear at Live Girl Review. This blog and podcast is produced by the multi-talented Audacia Ray. I’m constantly in awe of her and was thrilled when I was allowed to contribute to this project along with many talented sex writers. Fancy the RSS feed for the blog posts and podcast?

Junkbuzzed – Back in the spring a helped launch a sex and humor blog. I started linking to it here but I never really announced my involvement officially. While I haven’t been a big part of Junkbuzzed recently, I’m trying to post there more regularly again. The editor there is The Snarling Misanthrope (known around these parts as Marc) and he is one of the most talented satire writers I have ever read much less had the opportunity to work with. My most recent post there was a humorous take on my needle play experience titled, “Suburban Ennui Leads to Needle Play.” But really, I am not the main attraction at this blog and that is a good thing. I could not pen hilarity like an advice column called “Ask a Gor Master” or an epic sex toy review that involves a vat of lube and Star Wars collectibles. If you don’t listen to me any other time in your life, listen now and subscribe to Junkbuzzed.

Of course there is no way that I need to tell you about my podcast, Bedroom Radio? You can add that feed directly to the podcatcher of your choice so it will show up on your computer and mp3 player as soon as a new episode appears. Upcoming episodes will include Always Aroused Girl, Bliss Warrior, and Regina Lynn. There are also always great little goodies like erotica readings, sexy music, or sex toy reviews. You know how I review toys right? Well, lets just say it is more of a demonstration than a mere review.

For the complete stalking experience, you can also find me on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, and MySpace.

The more of this I type the less of a life it seems that I have.

***

But, I actually do have a life outside of my home and it will be taking me to a few amazing kink events in the next month.

Dark Odyssey Summer Camp – In a few days, Jay and I will be leaving for Dark Odyssey Summer Camp. If you have heard of this event, you know exactly why I am so excited. If you haven’t, Viviane has been kind enough to round up the posts from previous years that she went to camp. We’ll be staying with some amazing people there and I expect to have a lot of phenomenal stories to share.

Fetish Fair Flea Market – I am thrilled that I was invited to present at this regional kink event. My presentation will be on “Kinky Phone Sex For Couples” and will involve some fun, sexy demonstrations and practice opportunities. There are some great play parties also scheduled for this event and a whole host of amazing speakers.

***

Are you still reading? Well, want to see something way hotter than what I’ve listed above? My darling, wonderful friend Thursday wrote this gorgeous fantasy about me. A snippet:

Later, she lays on top of me, pressed thigh to thigh, hip to hip. The buzzing head of the Hitachi rests between us, right on the curve of our clefts, and as we grind against each other, I have all but forgotten the presence of the men, so lost am I in the soft perfume of her skin.

So, you might want to read the rest of that, huh? I really want to meet this woman soon and re-enact this dream.

[Image via Helene Black]

© Ellie for Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert, 2008. | Permalink | 8 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: audacia ray, awards, best sex bloggers, catalina, dark odyssey, facebook, femme's guide, fetish fair flea market, junkbuzzed, live girl review, myspace, narration by d, thursday's child, top sexy bloggers, tumblr, twitter

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Bedroom Radio #19: Erotica from Rough Words and Ellie is Tied Up and Tortured

Ellie — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 02:00:57 +0000

Download Episode #19 of Bedroom Radio (15MB, 33minutes)

In this episode, I read a great piece of erotic fiction from Jack of Writing Dirty. Additionally, Jay and I demonstrate the Door Jam Cuffs from Vibe Review and test out the Snugglepuss vibrator.

Right now, enjoy 10% off any purchase at Vibe Review by shopping through this link!

************************

Contact Me Like This:
Email: bedroomradio@gmail.com
Voicemail: 206-339-5939
Website: bedroomradio.blogspot.com
Blog: www.lumpesse.com
More More More:
Twitter
Subscribe
Smoking Hot Phone Sex
Sex Toys and Vibrator Reviews at VibeReview

© Ellie for Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert, 2008. | Permalink | 4 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: BDSM, Bedroom Radio, bondage, door jam cuffs, erotica, jack, Podcasts, rough words, snugglepuss, spanking, vibrators

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My Girl Thursday

Ellie — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 02:24:01 +0000

Anyone that has been following my Twitter lately knows that I’ve got a pretty serious crush on Thursday’s Child. Sure, all of us flirt on there, but this one is real. I am so lucky to have met Thursday and D and to count them as close friends. I’ve watched them go through struggles and growth over the last few months and I’ve been honored to be a friend to them. Jay and I hope to meet them very soon – plane tickets will be ordered one of these days and we will have them to ourselves.

Lately, Thursday and I have been leaving each other fun little voicemails to titillate and amuse. I’ve mostly been playful, sexy, and tried to have fun. This morning, though, I woke up and had a message from her. It had come in the middle of the night and I had a feeling it would be special. I was right. I knew I couldn’t do the sexiness of this message justice by just describing it. No, my dear audiophiles, you deserve to hear it. Grab the headphones!

Thursday’s Voicemail to Me

You back? Shaking like I was? When I first met Thursday I was instantly attracted to her, we are so similar in so many ways and she felt like the sister I never had. Except, I suppose most people don’t want to do to their sisters what I want to do to her. I have the same curiosities about her skin and her body. We have already warned the boys that they may have to sit calmly in the corner as we focus on each other. They might whine but it will be worth it.

© Ellie for Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert, 2008. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: Phone sex, sexy audio, sexy message, thursday's child, voicemail

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Mobile Blogging

Ellie — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 03:45:08 +0000

I sort of feel like a jerk announcing this. I’ve become one of those people that is attached to my cell phone. I am writing this from a mobile version of wordpress despite the fact that there are three working computers within 100 feet of me.

Jay likes that I answer text messages faster now but not that I am always attached to Twitter and email. So I am wondering what the iPhone has done for my sex life. Here are the things I can think of:

1. It was something to nervously fidget with when Carmine got up for the bathroom on our second date.

2. I have posted more impromptu pictures of my cleavage on Flickr.

3. I know if my voicemail messages are likely to say something hot because I know who they are from.

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A Rap About Pansexuality

Ellie — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 20:35:01 +0000

I just found this today on Feministing and love it!

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Everything That I Need to Know In Life I Learned at Sex 2.0

Ellie — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 17:09:49 +0000

I’ve been reading everyone’s Sex 2.0 wrap-ups the last few days and been trying to decide if I should podcast my thoughts or write them. I figure I’ll do both and you can hear more detail in the podcasted version that I’ll get to a bit later.

The event was an interesting one for me personally because I have never appeared publicly in relation to this blog or my work in phone sex. I was both excited and nervous but luckily I met some of the most amazing people during the process and therefore felt totally safe.

The weekend began for us on Friday afternoon when Jay and I arrived at our hotel, I had time for a quick cleaning up after the car ride and then ran to the airport to pick up Melissa who I’ve been waiting to meet forever. You know how you meet some people and they are nothing like you expected them to be based on their writing? Well, this was not the situation with Melissa. She is bright, cheerful, sarcastic, and carries this amazing presence given her tiny frame. After getting Melissa to the hotel I met up with Match for a drink before the pole dancing party.

The pole party was a blast, again I expected to feel self-conscious and worried but everyone was gorgeous and sexy and uninhibited and that sort of thing rubs off on you. This is where I met Mistress Maeve, who happens to be one of the most stunning women I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, she doesn’t do pictures but here is everyone at the party (excluding myself and Maeve.)

While I was pole dancing, Jay was at the Clermont Lounge with a bunch of people from the conference. The original plan was to head over there after the party was over but I was so exhausted that we headed back to the hotel instead. We went to a lot of trouble to get a nice hotel room with a whirlpool tub and all sorts of neat features but we didn’t use them at all and instead just crashed. I was surprised to realize that I had actually gotten sore from pole dancing. The front of my thighs were in rough shape because I guess that a lot of what I had been doing was basically squats.

We woke up bright and early, had some breakfast at the hotel, and headed to the conference. I got to see 1763 for the first time and was pretty impressed. When they said that the conference was happening at a dungeon, they weren’t just messing around. This place was, as they like to say on the internet, serious business. There were several rooms outfitted with lots of different equipment and the central space was huge and featured a giant shower in one corner (that Viviane quipped was the size of a New York studio apartment.) We arrived as Amber was giving the opening comments and then got to see Dacia give her keynote remarks. At this point it was time for the first session and I chose to attend Melissa’s. She trotted out her bag of tricks from being a sexual health educator and assigned us to perform roleplays of various sex and internet problems that people might have. I got the joy of performing a creative piece that Match and I developed to deal with jealousy that insignificant others might have over blog fans. I don’t remember much of it other than Match cracking everyone up with his request that I “@ him while I do it“. This was the first sign that Twitter was going to be a driving force of the weekend.

The next session I went to was run by Elizabeth Wood and was on Creating the Sex Commons. This was definitely the most thought-provoking and emotionally difficult sessions that I attended because we talked about responsibility. And I thought a lot about my responsibilities as a sex positive person when I step into a classroom and when I open a blog post and how (if ever) those two things are meant to interact. (I have written about this before). I also thought a lot about my responsibilities to my clients and friends and this session made me realize what important group of people were missing from Sex 2.0 – the clients. We were many of us there sex workers but none of us were paid consumers and I really wished that perspective had been present. Maybe next year!

After lunch I attended a session by the lovely Cunning Minx of Poly Weekly. Since Jay and I have struggled with our open relationship I thought that some tips might be helpful and Minx was encouraging and helpful while remaining quite realistic. I appreciated her sense of humor and grace in discussing icky emotions such as jealousy.

After this session, it was time for my own. I felt under-prepared but the vibe at the conference was so pleasant and open that I was really excited and confident anyway. In preparation, I had surveyed some phone sex operators and asked them about their personal phone sex habits and histories. I found out some interesting tidbits about the industry and how the average operator feels about phone sex. Some said that they regularly get off during calls, some said that they would never ever get off because phone sex doesn’t turn them on at all. Some said that they have NEVER done phone sex before being hired as a professional, others had done it recreationally for years. These statistics were interesting to my audience but what they really wanted to know was the nitty gritty of the job. How to get started, how to promote yourself, what to do to get the caller to tell you what they want and make them happy. I enjoyed sharing my expertise and it seems like there might be some more bloggers cum phone sex operators on the scene in the near future. Certainly a lot of women decide to do phone sex (as themselves or as a character) and the blog and promotional efforts come later. This is a logical way to go about things but I’m really grateful for the route that I ended up taking. This blog is too important to me to be reduced to a pure marketing effort. The minimal planning that I did for the session went out the window when I realized that we had run out of time just on me answering questions.

The last session that I attended was Viviane’s sex blogging session. Since I’ve been doing this for a few years, I had covered most of the ground that she did but it was amazingly informative. I can imagine that people just starting out with blogging got an amazing leg up because Viviane was sharing things with them that it took me years to figure out. Also, she is hot and amazing and brilliant so I wanted to bask in her presence.

Honestly, the day ended too soon. As it was wrapping up I was wishing that there was more but luckily the social opportunities had just begun. More on that later but for now check out Sakura Sarashi’s account of the evening and Sunday as she was with me the entire time.

© Ellie for Ellie Lumpesse: A Pretentious Pervert, 2008. | Permalink | 13 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: blogging, conference, feminism, Phone sex, polyamory, Sex, sex 2.0, sex work

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Welcome Valleywaggers

Ellie — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 01:36:43 +0000

So, I thought it was pretty hilarious when Melissa mentioned my boob-shaking Twitter extravaganza on Valleywag yesterday (not to mention posted a pic of my boyfriend wearing my panties). Now I’m getting Twitter friends from people in California. Hmmm, I can’t show my boobs on Twitter but I have some good talents on the phone. So pony up Silicon Valley boys, let me help you out with some of that grrd phone pussy. I promise to Twitter all about it ;)

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Sex 2.0

Ellie — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 01:48:26 +0000

Alright, anyone that has talked to me in the last week knows that I’m pretty damn excited about Sex 2.0. First of all, I get to finally meet people that I’ve talked to online/admired from afar for ages. I also get to share some tips on phone sex and being an online sex worker. And, I get to have an action-packed sort of weekend that should include such events as pole dancing, strip clubs, a swingers/fetish ball, and cupcake bingo. Sleep is really over-rated.

Because this event is oh so 2.0 I have succumbed to Twitter (look to your right) and I will also be liveblogging the conference itself. Basically, you’ll know more than you need to know about what is going on with me for the next few days.

Oh, and here is the description for my session on Saturday afternoon in case you were wondering about it:

Becoming a Sex Worker Without Leaving Your House: How the Internet Has Brought Phone Sex to the 21st Century

Think that phone sex went out of style with hair metal? Well all things old are new again on the internet and this session will discuss the nuts and bolts of the phone sex world both professional and recreational. We’ll discuss:

* How to land a job as a phone sex operator or start marketing your own phone sex business. * Where phone sex operators fit in among the world of sex bloggers, educators, and workers. * And, most importantly, how to give good phone sex and be a considerate phone sex partner – for fun and profit!

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Oh hai!

Ellie — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 18:35:21 +0000

Thanks to Slydder for helping me get this one back ;)

::Timid wave::

It has been awhile, perhaps some of you thought that I just decided to never come back from Thailand. Well, I did. And school has been intense. But, you know a few things are true when I show up after a long hiatus.

1. The emails asking me when I’m coming back have started to actually make me feel guilty.
2. I have something clever to say.
3. I am procrastinating on school work.

I was having a conversation with a friend (male) about the way he responds to requests for cock shots from all of the ladies that are jocking him. (I’m not entirely convinced that this actually happens, but I decided to play along to preserve his ego.) Anywhooo, he sends me a picture of himself with a suction based pink jelly dildo thwacked onto his forehead. Totally classy, right? (Did, I mention that I would totally do him if he wasn’t such a sadist that I was convinced I wouldn’t be able to sit for a week afterwards?)

This got me thinking about unsolicited cock shots. In the adult dating world they seem to be like a business card. “Oh hello, nice to meet you, I’m a professional dog groomer and I like snowboarding. I hope we can get together and have some fun. Attached you will find a picture of my penis! Cheers, Tom” (This was an actual Myspace message that I got from THE Tom, by the way.)

Honestly, I’m always left scratching my head on these. What do I do with this penis photograph? How do I evaluate it? Well, after careful research, testing and 2 focus groups I have developed:

Ellie’s No-Muss No-Fuss Grading Rubric for Cock Shots

Step One: Did the sender give you a picture of their cock?
If No: Proceed to step two.
If Yes: Fail. Delete the email and bleach your retinas.

Simple, huh?

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10 Things You’ve Never Seen on a Webcam Demonstrated by a Cute and Funny Girl

Ellie — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 01:10:27 +0000

It is interesting, because I had heard of Brooke Marks before seeing this video. I thought she was probably a run-of-the-mill cute blonde with a website. Nothing more, nothing less. Then I saw this video of her lampooning the cam girl craze and I thought, “This chicky has a wicked sense of humor.” In the tradition of loving and lusting after people that are sexy enough not to take themselves to seriously, check out this video:

I think she is cute as a button and the “Babe Seger” part almost killed me! If you want to see more of her (being a bit more serious) here is a great free gallery of her pictures but her whole site is really worth the price of admission! She has several more hysterical videos – maybe I’ll post those another day ;)

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Out of touch

Ellie — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 01:17:42 +0000

I’ll admit to being a bit out of touch with pop culture lately. I decided awhile ago to stop paying attention to music and just listen to old things that I haven’t discovered yet.

Recently, I’ve been reading gossip blogs every day and have noticed a lot of blah blah blah about Amy Winehouse. She seems like a real train wreck and I had to Google her to figure out if I’d heard her stuff before. Yeah, I have and it turns out that she is backed by the Dap Kings. So, I give to you a really good Sharon Jones song. No, Sharon Jones isn’t a strung out, skinny, white girl with only mildly convincing breast implants. But she has a damn good voice. And I think this song is a lot sexier than anything I’ve heard from Winehouse.

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Addictive Song

Ellie — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 01:19:29 +0000

This band has been in my listening rotation for awhile and I think that anyone that manages to make giant piles of licorice allsorts sexy deserves some props.

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Sex 2.0

Ellie — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 03:42:42 +0000

Chris Cocker is a genius. He has managed to capture me exactly as I sound when I’m on the phone. Brilliant! ;)

Tell me I’m better than my momma, boys!

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“I want to be your blowjob queen”

Administrator — Sat, 07 Oct 2006 04:11:52 +0000

Every week when I prepare for my radio show I come across several songs that I enjoy and can’t play on the radio. This week I happened to start listening to Liz Phair’s Exile in Guyville and heard “Flower” for the first time in several years. If you’ve heard it you’ll know what I’m talking about when I say that “Flower” is one of the most angelically filthy songs ever recorded. It isn’t particularly sexy in the sense of being seductive at all. Rather, it is just shocking in the level of graphicness. It represents an incredibly liberated and powerful female sexuality that probably makes many people uncomfortable. Before Liz seriously sold out, she was the indie rock Lil’ Kim.

Download “Flower” by Liz Phair

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Why podcasting isn’t the same as radio but radio still has a lot to teach podcasters

Ellie — Mon, 07 Aug 2006 00:50:58 +0000

I’ve been involved with college radio for 6 years and while the trademark of college radio is “dead air. . . um. . . dead air.” I’d like to think that I’ve still learned a little something about broadcast in that time. I don’t write this list because I think I’m doing things perfectly but because I’ve heard a lot of self-congratulatory and boring podcasts. So I’ve laid out the differences and similarities in podcasting and radio with some helpful tips that the old guard can share with the new.

Why disc jokeys have it easier than podcasters:

Captive Audience. The morning shock jock can piss people off and they will keep listening because of a lack of alternative choices. Podcast listeners do not need to be so forgiving. Unless you have carved out a niche incredibly well and have a huge market for what you are doing, your listeners are pretty mobile. Think of them like the friends that came to see your crappy college band (the theramin was a mistake) play at the student union when you were 19 – you can’t go all rock star on them. Now, this doesn’t mean you need to censor yourself from expressing controversial opinions. It means you need to censor yourself from sounding like a jackass.

Decent audio equipment. Only the most serious podcasters bother to invest in a fraction of the equipment that is available to radio DJs. That said, the best thing you can invest in is a halfway decent microphone perhaps tied with decent audio editing software. I’ve been doing my podcast without either (which explains why it isn’t good).

Legitimacy. It isn’t easy to get an FCC license. There is a certain assumption from listeners that if you are on the radio, you have some honest claim at being there (listeners assume wrong, of course, but this is about perception). Not so with podcasting. It is pretty painfully obvious that anyone with a microphone and some bandwidth can start a podcast. When the burden of proof is on you, you’ll have to do something special to keep your listeners. You’ll have to do something even more special to get high profile interviews.

Why podcasters have it easier than disc jokeys:

Fuck the FCC. FCC guidelines on obscene and indecent material go beyond the “7 Dirty Words” and cover all sorts of fun things that a radio DJ might want to talk about, notably sex. Podcasters don’t have to pay a damn bit of attention to this. And they aren’t!

Niche markets. Podcasts will come and go with the fads that inspire them. Some of the more popular ones deal with very narrow interests. The eBay lesson is being repeated time and time again on the internet and podcasting is the lastest instance of it. You got some shit, someone else wants that shit. Attract a wider audience by making sure that your shit isn’t shitty. Although, there still isn’t a coprophagia podcast that I’m aware of. . .

Personality. Being an internet star is all about a cult of personality (Hi, Mom!). Podcasters can gather devoted minions through their personality in a way that even the most devoted jocks can’t. There is an intimacy that is available in podcasting that can’t (and maybe needn’t be) reached in radio. That said, meglomania isn’t sexy and the best podcasters come off as gracious, confident, and calm. Steer clear of self-important diatribes and remember that no matter how many hits you get, you’re not going to be a household name anytime soon.

Editing. Podcasting isn’t live and that is a blessing. Podcasters get to write scripts, record and re-record, and edit their shows into slick packages. Beware of making it too slick or fretting over tiny mistakes. Treasure the natural cadences of human speech. But still become familiar with a decent audio editor. You don’t have to be going for professionalism to be concerned with quality.

Things I tell brand-new DJs that many podcasters could stand to learn:

Monitor your broadcast. Get some headphones and wear them while you record. This ensures that levels are constant and gives you a chance to hear what the mic is picking up instead of what your voice sounds like in your bedroom. The number one way that DJs I supervise make on-air bloopers is by failing to wear headphones, you’ve been warned.

Beware the co-host. The banter between two clever, intelligent people can be very charming and rivetting, especially for those two people. But, make sure you take a constant inventory of your conversations with a co-host. Is this a conversation that others want to overhear? Are you really that funny? Are your inside jokes going to fly for a listener that doesn’t know you? When I was Station Manager I actively discouraged co-hosting among new DJs because doing it well is so challenging.

Make a pop filter. I’m not an audio engineer nor am I a perfectionist. However, if you have trouble with your plosive consonants, grab an old pair of pantyhose and after you finish sniffing them, you can craft them into a neat home-made filter.

Don’t beg for attention. Until I started listening to podcasts, I thought 18-year-old DJs were the worst attention whores in the world. However, hearing people from all walks of life beg for emails, phone calls, votes, and frapprs has changed my opinion. Podcasters are more attention-starved than drag queens. And it is understandable. There is nothing wrong with wanting feedback on something you work hard on but please limit it to a few simple words, not the extended spastic whine-fest that many podcasters engage in.

If you are starting a podcast because you always wanted to be a DJ, I welcome you to the fold. Rest assured that podcasting is 10 times nicer than DJing but also much harder work. Enjoy your global audience and freedom. However, avoid slipping between the cracks and becoming more background noise. There a many more bad podcasts out there than good and the independently produced ones that are excellent are even more rare. Rise to the top by asking questions before you guess wrong and going in with a real plan. Or record yourself having orgasms, then you can break all of the rules.

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