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I have a pretty personal investment in this next set of responses because they come from Jay, my amazing lover, best-friend, and companion. There are a lot of people that blog in isolation from their romantic partners and that makes me sad. I deeply treasure the honesty we share and the fact that he loves all of me, unconditionally. I am lucky for that.

Jay is an incredibly special person and his answers here were not news to me. But reading them has made me feel closer to him. His memories and recollections are, like many of the men I have featured, heart-breaking, thought-provoking, and raw.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

My earliest childhood memories (ages 2-3) are of my father physically abusing my mother. The ensuing conversations that transpired between my mother and I told me in no uncertain terms all of the negative traits that made a man.

Growing up with a single mother and 2 sisters I never really trusted any men enough to let them have a positive effect on my view of masculinity. As a child I was more submissive and feminine than most of my peers and certainly less masculine than my tom-boy sister.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Now I feel a lot more masculine than I did as a child, but I’m still a very passive person in general.

I know that many people have read about my sexual experiences online and have commented to the effect of “You’re such a man, you know what you want and you go after it.” Of course they don’t know me and the fact that I am a kind, shy, passive, gentle person (or at least they look over those facts as I do try to write about them).

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I’m the quiet, shy, rebellious type (wait, is there a type like that?). I look for any way I can to play with people’s traditional concepts whether it is family values, religion, or sexuality/gender. My orientation is bisexual, although right now I’m swinging back toward heteroflexible.

In kink play, BDSM, and parties I prefer to dress up as a woman and take a dominant role (which is a lot of fun since I have a very full beard). At a recent party I was dressed as Jackie O and spent most of my “play time” whipping the bejesus out of a tiny little woman in front of a rather large audience… if that gives you any idea ;)

A lot of people have been telling me that they are disappointed to see the lack of response these interviews on masculinity are getting. I am a bit sad about it too but I also don’t care. I have more of them and I’m going to keep posting them because they matter. Like, they really matter.

This next interview is from Wanton Male who is a bisexual blogger. He has been writing about sex online for a long time and I’m thrilled and honored that he took the time to respond to my questions. His responses reflect some of the same trepidation and confusion about masculinity that all of the men so far have expressed.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?
This is a tough one for my shoddy memory. I can’t conciously remember an exact moment. I guess I grew up in a fairly typical, nuclear family, my father being my role model in that regard. Dad was in charge, fixed things around the house, mowed the yard, played sports and whatnot.

As far as noting the differences between the sexes, I noticed how my parents were different and certainly played my fair share of “show me yours, I’ll show you mine” throughout my youth with both girls and boys. Funnily enough, I’m still playing that game.

I grew up in the 70s and was a service brat. My father was an officer and pilot in the Air Force, so certainly some influences there. That certainly added to my observations of masculinity, as I was exposed to a healthier than average dose of discipline and structure. Plus, my dad flew planes, how manly is that?

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?
My first inclination is to waffle, and say, yes and no. However, if forced to choose one, AND be honest, I have to say no.

One of the main aspects of masculinity, in my mind at least, is the physicality of it. I’ve never been a big guy. I’m average height and have always been towards the skinny side, even in my younger days. Back then though, I would have said yes. I was smallish, but I was resilient, I was scrappy. These days I am shell of that.

For the last 15 years I have been fighting severe rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve had multiple operations replacing joints that have been destroyed by my disease. I won’t say I am frail, but I am certainly weakened, and most definitely limited in what I can do physically. So in that regard, it has definitely been emasculating.

Emotionally, I probably lean towards feminine. It’s cliche, but I am in touch with my feelings, and don’t run screaming from them. Not exactly masculine there. I’m kind, nice, empathetic, and I enjoy talking, all of which makes me very popular with women. I make a great girlfriend apparently.

Which leads me to sexually. I am incredibly sexual. I may be chatting sweetly with the ladies but I am thinking about how I could be fucking them. My sex drive is high, and usually stays there. I fully fit the bill of masculinity here.

There are myriad other things where I am masculine. Intellectually I’m logical, practical, and rational. I can be aggressive, dominating and demanding. I’m not the breadwinner of our household, but I do make the majority of the decisions.

So there we go. I am a conflicting and chaotic example of masculinity. Certainly no poster child for it.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?
I honestly don’t know. I am bisexual with limited experience on the bi side. I actually kinda just like thinking of myself as just really sexual and a sensualist. I wanna have fun, and I’m not particular with which side of the fence it is.

In bed with women, I tend to take a laid back, have fun attitude, unless I am purposefully being aggressive. Except when it comes to pleasing her. I damn well want her to come, and as many times as possible, but is that related to masculinity? Beats me.

Interestingly enough, with men, so far at least, I seem to be the top. Which honestly is not, how I figured it would be. Will this change as I have more experiences, I cannot say, but I’m not bothered with it either way. I’m just looking for a good time.

This is the third post in my series of interviews on masculinity. I think that some clear patterns are starting to emerge in the responses that the men are presenting. Today, we have D of the blog Narration by D.

D’s responses focus largely on the body and the physical realities of typical masculine vs. feminine forms. By characterizing himself as androgynous, D seems to separate himself from masculinity both sexually as well as physically.

This photograph was taken by D’s wife Thursday.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

The first time I was aware of masculinity would be when I first tried to play organized sports. Sports reeks of masculine ability, and it sums up the masculinity in competition. I noticed that most of masculinity revolves around establishing yourself in the pecking order. I suck at sports, built thin, gangly and uncoordinated. Strength and stamina are prerequisites of masculine power and sports, sadly.

I was about 8 I think. My sister was very good at sports, much better than I was. Small midwest town. Sports are the big thing in the town. That is what school pretty much revolves around. My parents were very supportive of reading and education, but they did love the sports aspect of my sister.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

No. I have never felt very dominant, nor do I have a masculine build. I have what would be typical ‘feminine traits’. I’m a peacemaker and hate competition. I have middle child syndrome written all over me. I am passive and compromising, touchy feely, not what I would consider masculine. I always felt that I look more androgynous than masculine.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

Well, I find I am attracted to women that have a very feminine look. Very curvy, not really thin and boyish. I am also almost always attracted to dominant women. I am very non-threatening to women. That was a problem in school. I’ve also always been bi-curious. I like the thin, lithe boy types - kind of the opposite of what I like about women.

Some people have asked me if they can answer the questions. Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from as many people about this as possible. You can answer the questions and email your response to lumpesse AT gmail DOT com or you can post them on your own weblog. There is no need to link back to me (although I certainly don’t mind) but I would love if you sent me a link so that I could link to your responses here. The only thing I ask is that the comments of each post be left to discuss that particular post, so don’t post your answers in the comments.

This is the second of many interviews on masculinity. The first in the series can be found here.

Gabe keeps a personal blog called Wretched and Beautiful as well as working on the Pornocracy blog with his amazing partner Elizabeth. Reading his responses, I was brought to tears. I think that many people will be touched by his personal take on these questions.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

When I was in 3rd grade I rode to school with my friend Sean. He was telling me one morning about how his dad was teaching him how to build a birdhouse. This was a big deal for Sean and his dad because there were certain things you had to do to be a man, and one of those was building something. When he finished the project, then Sean could proclaim that he was closer to being a man. I never had much interest in hardware, so I asked him, “What if you grow up and you don’t ever build anything?” He said “Oh, then you’re just a half a man, I guess.”

Other times that I can remember were things like not wanting to go hunting with my dad for the first time. I broke down crying because I didn’t want to hurt anything. Similarly, I remember my little brother throwing a stick at me and it hit the side of my leg and left a cut. I was so mad I was shaking and crying and I was encouraged to just hit him back. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt him.

So my clearest early memories of masculinity and how I was supposed to do masculinity are in those instances where I was outside the borders of masculine behavior. I never associated masculinity with things like my dad’s affectionate side. Those were him not his masculinity.

What was the cultural climate? This was early 80’s rural South in a working/lower class family surrounded by the same.

Influences on my early view and experience of masculinity? All those things that the guys in my family did were the things that got associated with masculinity: hunting and fishing, fixing cars, manual labor.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Eh, it depends on the day. I’ve often just written off the whole concept of being a man, deciding that if it’s defined as things that I want no part in then I’ll just not bother with being a man. At the same time, it’s a role that I find myself in here and there, and I’m more and more comfortable with it. Is that the same as being masculine? I’m not sure. I know I’m a dom and a sadist, and those are often related to masculinity in a lot of people’s minds. I also have no real ambition to succeed in a high powered career nor to make lots of money, and those seem to be very masculine drives. Masculinity as a whole seems to be made up of a bunch of random traits, some of which I have, others I don’t. I’m not sure if the ways in which I’m androgynous reduce or call more attention to the ways in which I’m masculine. If I wear a skirt, does that make my beard stand out that much more? If I focus on listening and nurturing, does it take away from the ways in which I have masculine strength?

So I suppose the answer to the first question is “Sometimes, sure.” Why? Because masculinity itself seems to be bullshit as a whole, even if I do embody and value a selection (large or small) of the things included in masculinity and appreciate the comments of those who see me as masculine and my masculinity as a good thing.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

This is the one I’m having the hardest time with. I have to wonder what role masculinity plays in my being a dom, particularly since I’m hetero. Being identified (and identifying) as male, yet one who didn’t have the “natural” in with the power structures, I wonder how much of my play with power is a result of that. I came from a poor family, and a rural one at that. The cultural story is that men have power, are in control and are strong, yet I grew up not feeling that power (most likely due to class). Am I now playing with that tension between being told I should have power, but not actually feeling empowered? It’s possible. Or I could be reading way too much into what gets my dick hard.

Some people have asked me if they can answer the questions. Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from as many people about this as possible. You can answer the questions and email your response to lumpesse AT gmail DOT com or you can post them on your own weblog. There is no need to link back to me (although I certainly don’t mind) but I would love if you sent me a link so that I could link to your responses here. The only thing I ask is that the comments of each post be left to discuss that particular post, so don’t post your answers in the comments.

So the other day I was thinking about masculinity. And then I realized I should probably think about it in conjunction with men. So, I asked a few guys to answer some very difficult questions about their relationships with masculinity. I’m amazed by the response so far and I hope that a dialogue will begin.

My first responder is an anonymous reader whose ideas I can really appreciate. It seems like being a “typical woman” is an acceptable choice for ladies but being typical in any way makes a man an oppressor. I think that his interview really reveals how there are thoughts beyond those typical responses. I want to thank him so much for this careful and touching set of responses.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

When I was very young I played “doctor” with my two female cousins, one of whom was my age and one of whom was as couple years older. We were probably 4 and 6. It wasn’t actually “doctor”. It was more like “stripper”. We’d take turns standing on a table in their basement and dancing around while taking our clothes off. It was erotic in the most innocent way imaginable. We knew we could get in trouble for it, and that their mother was right on the other side of the basement door, in the kitchen. I wasn’t there when they got busted, but I know they did get busted at some point. Presumably there were other boys they played that game with. The older cousin was the instigator, ringleader, and master of ceremonies. Also usually the first person to dance.

That was my first experience of “female” as an attractive “other”. I guess I knew earlier on that girls and boys were different, but only in some vague cootie-related way that never gave me much sense of “masculinity” as opposed to anything else. There was something about being a boy, about that thing between my legs, about how those two girls got interested when it got hard. Somehow I knew that was part of my SELF–my Identity. Also, I knew my dad had one, and it was important to me that I did too.

Cultural climate or influence: suburban Utah. I grew up in a suburb about 20 minutes north of Salt Lake City, and the cousins were another 15 or 20 minutes north. Something like 90% Mormon where I grew up. I wasn’t one, but they were (and still are). I discovered in my teen years that Mormon girls are just BUSTING to rebel, and given the slightest provocation they become complete wildcats. I imagine that my older cousin was playing some of that game (we were aware of the transgression this was), coupled with natural young-childhood curiosity.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I do, in a sense. I don’t really ever think about myself as masculine; I just am it. I’m about the straightest straight boy on the planet, and every woman I’ve ever been with has said so. I’m very much a Typical Boy. Minx has been mentioning lately about writing your own manual. I don’t need a manual, I need a pamphlet. I like boobs and blowjobs and having dinner cooked for me. I like protecting and pampering my women, taking them out and showing them off, buying them things. I like going out with the guys and drinking beer.

I guess the only place I’m not completely typical is that I’m not possessive or territorial about the people I love. I CAN be, certainly, but I’ve dealt with those aspects of myself thoroughly enough that they no longer dominate me.

Masculinity as I experience it is fraught with anxieties, but is loath to admit that it is. Femininity may be the same way, I suppose; I wouldn’t know. Here’s an example: I played golf yesterday with two female friends, and I opted to tee off from the Ladies’ tees with them, rather than all of us stopping at the Mens’ while I hit, then all of us going down to the Ladies’ for them to hit. I confess, on the hole where the groundskeeper was watching us tee off, I had a moment of concern about what he would think. I had even more concern about how I’d rationalize hitting from the “right” tee box without my friends knowing I was worried about not looking like a sissy to a stranger on a tractor. I know the male golfing buddies I usually play with would never let me hear the end of it if they knew I played from the Ladies’, but I concluded pretty quickly that that would say a lot more about their hang-ups than mine. The punchline is, I had one of the best rounds of my life, and I’m now hesitant to brag about that because I know I got about 700 free yards based on hitting from the “wrong” tees.

So, while I’m quite confident and comfortable with my masculinity and sexual orientation, there’s always the “guy thing” of appearing macho and never letting anyone question your masculinity. Which I hate, when I’m sucked into it, but find myself having concern for anyway.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

As I said above, if there’s a thing a Guy would like in bed or most anywhere else, odds are very good I’ll like it. Naked girls. Blowjobs. Tit fucking. Doggy style. Facials. Mainstream porn is pretty much made for me.

And that just seems the natural and automatic thing to me, and I have to consciously try to have anything else not seem weird. We’re good friends with a couple–actually, the first people my wife and I tried non-monogamy with–the husband of whom is a true masochist; he can’t orgasm without also receiving pain. Initially I found that unfathomable and unpalatable. After being around them sexually for a while, I now only find it unfathomable. I still can’t imagine wanting that, but I now get that that IS in fact what he wants. He’d be a lifestyle submissive, actually, and be quite happy with that. She doesn’t want a pet, though, she wants a partner. They had some stuff to sort out before they got married, obviously…

Part of what it is to be a Guy is to be constantly… not quite “on the prowl”, but always having my antenna up. I notice women like crazy. I probably fall in love with some random woman on the street five or six times a week. And I seem to have a “type”–which you would identify right off if you saw a picture of my lady loves. Cute, dark-haired, geek girls. There was a girl working the counter at a bowling alley one night that I nearly invited home with us on the spot, and you could have laid her down next to my other two and had a matched set. (Which was, in fact, exactly my plan.) A woman I’m attracted to has to be my intellectual equal, but have a vulnerability or softness for me to protect. And she needs to be tough enough to take care of me when I need it too.

I don’t know… I’m not a Big Macho guy, despite how this likely sounds. I’m fairly enlightened regarding my emotions and needs (I’m poly! Hello!). But there’s still an aspect of my masculinity that somehow never quite emerged from the cave. There’s definitely something primitive inside me that wants to howl at the moon and dominate others with force and sleep with every woman I see. I keep that fairly well contained, and generally manage to express it only in socially acceptable ways (with the exception of: I’m poly! Hello!). But it’s there.

This is an interesting inquiry. I saw some things about myself, engaging in these questions.

We met for drinks a few months ago and then schedules got tight and new jobs were started and we lost touch. Carmine found me again a few weeks ago, telling me that he wanted to see me.

So we met for drinks and talked about school and teaching and the law. We also talked about lubes and blogging and the joys of rope and electro-sex. I’m attracted to Carmine but the conversation wasn’t sexy, it wasn’t flirtatious, it just was.

He asked me back to his place so I texted Jay to make sure it was alright. It was. I knew that something might happen but I wasn’t expecting it. Carmine is sweet and self-effacing. He has a slight Boston accent that makes my pussy twinge when he says words like “car”. I couldn’t, for the life of me see him making the first move.

He did. Standing in his living room he grabs me and kisses me. He leads me to the bedroom and begins taking off my clothes. We tumbled around on the bed for awhile kissing and groping. At one point he paused, excusing himself to go to the bathroom. I posed myself so that I would look effortlessly sexy when he came back in the room. On my stomach, legs bent and crossed at the ankles with feet in the air. He came back in the room and slid on top of me, caressing my back with his body and kissing the top of my head. I felt his cock pressing against my ass and I wiggled a bit as I looked over my shoulder at him.

“You have a baseball bat next to your bed.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you afraid of intruders?”

“No, it helps me think.”

I look at him quizzically.

“It is a guy thing,” he explains, “it is phallic.”

I smirk and decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is grinding against me and kissing my shoulders. He asks me what I want and I shoot the question back at him. So, he tells me he wants to fuck me and spanks my ass. Too softly.

I tell him I want to fuck him too but he’s going to have to hit harder. He does.

So we fuck.

Yeah, I know, I always skip that part. Here, let me give you some highlights. He slides into me and his cock is thick and hard and I squeeze him. His eyes widen a bit and so do mine. He pins my hands beside my head. He squeezes my wrists hard and it hurts and I really love it. I scream, a lot. Obscenities, sacrilegious prayers, and incomprehensible things. Throughout it all, Carmine retains a placid and contemplative look on his face. I smile and he smiles back but he is already smiling. I wonder if there is some joke that I am missing. And as his cock slams me, sometimes too hard and too deep. So aggressively that I have to remind him that my cervix is there, he still smiles. I wonder if this has something to do with the baseball bat.

So, we finish and I bite my lip and steal a quick glance at him. I giggle a bit. I’m not being myself so much as an approximation of myself. It is okay, he might know this or it might be too complex for the moment or he might not even care. I ask him to explain the baseball bat again. He picks it up and shows me. He is laying on his back next to a puddle of ejaculate with a baseball bat in his hands and my naked body slung partially over his. He looks a bit like he owns the world. He holds the bat like he is expecting a pitch and moves it back and forth a bit. I duck and giggle. He explains that he’s never even played baseball on a team and he isn’t that big of a fan. It just works. He tousles my hair and asks if I want a cigarette.

I tell him that I’ve never had a cigarette after sex before. Maybe it is too much of a cliche. He gives me an incredulous look. Law students are apt to smoking and Carmine knows that when I’m having a drink, I’m prone to a cigarette or two. I tell him that I’ve probably fucked smokers before but the cigarette never came up. He tells me it can’t be beat.

We slide back into our clothes and walk out on the porch and talk about evolutionary biology and have a smoke. He isn’t lying, it is a really good cigarette. The night is hot and exceedingly Southern he tells me that he hopes that now that we’ve gotten the preliminaries out of the way, we can get more adventurous next time.

Oh, thats right I left out some details. I met Carmine because he likes cross dressing and taking it in the ass from girls with strap-ons. He is also perfectly capable of spanking me and pinning me to the bed while he fucks me hard. Interesting how people and their sexualities aren’t just one thing. My life and relationships would be much too boring if that were true.

Feministe is having a (very heteronormative) discussion about what it means to be a feminist boyfriend. Now, I’m not saying that there isn’t some useful work being done in the comments there - the most important suggestions seem to be about recognizing privilege, deferring, and standing up for feminism to other guys, oh, and not making jokes about PMS (whatever!).

It occurs to me that the way to get anyone concerned with any issue is to demonstrate to them the impact that it directly has on their life. Now, certainly injustices done to a woman in his life would make many feminist boyfriends care deeply about feminist causes. But, I would argue that this is going to elicit a very particular, personal, and only partially useful response - the desire to protect his partner. Now, I think that everyone in life can use a cheering section but a protection response sort of buys into a whole ‘nother set of gender stereotypes, those surrounding masculinity.

But guess what? The word “masculinity” only came up once in 75 comments. So, here is where I think that the Feministe discussion falls flat - it assumes that men need to respond to feminism and support it in some intrinsically male way. Well fuck that, in my book a feminist boyfriend is one that recognizes the gender wankery all around us and understands what it is doing to both of us. He sees that masculinity (as an institution) is just as insidious as femininity and that they depend on each other to survive. My feminist boyfriend knows that sexual violence against men isn’t an anomaly and bravely shares his experiences with it to give other men the courage. My feminist boyfriend cross dresses if he feels like it. Has a beard if he feels like it. Lets me fuck him in the ass if he feels like it. My feminist boyfriend sees the things he is coded by society to be and makes his own fucking decisions about that - just like his feminist girlfriend.

[via BeingAmberRhea]