This is a confession of sorts but also a cry for help. I think about myself in reference to kink and sex and realize that I associate submission and service with being feminine. I associate beauty, weakness, and delicacy with being feminine. And I also realize that I am so terrified of being seen as anything other than feminine that I put up some strange defenses against this.

Case study A: Ariel

Ariel is my gorgeous girlfriend. She is beautiful and petite and has long flowing hair. She moves gracefully on high heels. She also has a powerful job in a male-dominated industry and changes car batteries and asserts herself aggressively in conversations. She looks high femme but has always thought of herself as butch. Still, when I touch her I sometimes feel huge, ham-fisted, rough, and all-together ugly. I know she longs for me and I fail her because I don’t know how to be. On the one hand, strapping on a pretty dildo and fucking her for hours sounds like pure bliss but I know that getting to that point will be full of second-guessing myself and my desires and my actions.

Am I being entirely heterosexist in my view of this sexual relationship? Abso-fucking-lutely! Because she is feminine, I feel masculine. (We won’t even get into the terrible fact that I associate masculinity [on myself!] with ugliness) I don’t want to feel this way. It isn’t enlightened, it isn’t sex positive. I wouldn’t teach it to my students. But it infects my reality and I don’t know how to deprogram it.

Case study B: Michael

[Note: This section has been edited for nuance. The lack it previously exhibited, though, is likely symptomatic of my issues with binary thinking.]

Michael is a petite man. We are the same height and I outweigh him significantly. When we first met I didn’t think the relationship would work because of this. I thought I would feel huge and be self-conscious and afraid. So I submitted myself to him. He felt like he was capable of being in charge and I let him be. Even if I couldn’t be delicate and small by comparison physically, I knew I could shrink myself mentally. It works out well that he has discovered enjoyment of beating me until I cry, pulling my hair, grabbing my throat. (Again we won’t get into how fucked up it is that my way of feeling feminine involves simulated victimization) Even when I am initiating sex with him, it feels like an act of service and devotion. He often gives me feedback on how to touch and where and when. I siddle up to him and slither a limb around his body. I kiss gently. The touches are a seduction and they are a worship and only in my most wanton and least self-conscious moments do I allow myself to be aggressive and take up space.

Taking up space

I haven’t really defined what this means to me just yet. You may have guessed some of it by now, though. I think of it in terms of physical space – my body is larger and I attempt to diminish that regularly. I also think of it terms of political space – my voice should be smaller, my needs should be less important, my desires should be locked away.

This might seem ridiculous to some of you that have met me or read this blog. Of course I take up space in terms of talking about sex. Here I am now with this presence on the internet. Blabbing, opining, discussing in detail, issuing edicts and judgments and ideas. But some of that strength leaves me when I’m making love to some of the people I adore most in the world.

I know that every relationship goes through growing pains and these are no exception, but this issue feels bigger and scarier and more about me being fucked in the head than any I have run into before. So, dear reader, tell me what you think. How do I get my theory to line up with my practice? How do I deschool myself of gender? How do I embrace femininity in a way that doesn’t make me need to masculinize others? How have you done it or how do you wish you could?

April – Where I attended Sex 2.0 and had a fire lit under me. I started a Twitter account, got involved with FetLife, and relaunched my podcast. I finally realized that I was part of a community and felt like I belonged.

May – I started reviewing products on my podcast and blog for VibeReview.

June – I spent a lot of time thinking about sex work in both text and audio forms. I also got sort of pissy and ridiculous about blogging and met Artemis Hunter for the first time.

July – I had my first freelance work published in The Naughty American and dug up some old camwhore shots. I also experienced a bit of heartbreak, but it turned out a great piece of writing if I do say so myself. I also got tied up by Artemis and finally hooked up with Carmine who had previously only been known as “cross-dressing law student“. Finally, I began publishing the Musings on Masculinity series.

August – The biggest news and one of the happiest days of my last several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much better.

September – I was named #5 on the list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008 among started a bajillion other projects. We also went to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp which was a watershed event for me despite the fact that I haven’t talked about it too much. I also presented at the Fetish Fair Flea Market and got to meet Catalina and Marky for the first time.

October – The posts slowed down and the earth stopped moving because something remarkable happened. We met Ariel and Michael and fell in love and my feet still haven’t touched the ground. At first I could only express the feelings in music. But. . .

November -  . . . soon I found more detailed words and images to express my thoughts. I captured the unique sadomasochistic relationship that Michael and I have developed as well as the experienced of being fucked by Ariel for the first time. And the sexy gave way to the mundanely profound as we found ourselves forming a type of family, broken hollondaise and all.

December – Ariel starts lending a hand with reviews and I think that the format suits this site. Jay and I also visited New York and saw tons of the friends that we met through the year. I also spent a sedate Birthday and Hanukkah at home with my new chosen family.

Fuck me until I cry.
Fuck me until I pass out and keep fucking me until you’re done.
Fuck me like I’ll die when you let go.
Fuck me until your name is a prayer on my tongue that I can’t articulate over my gasps.
Fuck me ragged until you scrape away the rough edges and mend my jaggedness like a river-washed stone.
Fuck me broken. Fuck me whole.
Fuck me until I forget my hangups, my catch-22 codes and the traps by which I condemn myself.
Fuck me until I remember that sex is good, love is straightforward and it is ok to just be held.

After he wrote all this, I observed that he never hesitates to turn casual conversation into poetry. He insisted that he didn’t know anything about having a casual conversation.

This interview is actually with a kinky, female, top who has been one of the most steadfast commenter on this series. Trinity (who has a brilliant blog) discusses how her BDSM role relates to her perceptions of masculinity and her own performance of it.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

Aware it existed? I don’t know, other than just a vague sense that men were threatening coupled with a vague sense that I wanted to do the things that our society said was sexually reserved for them. Feeling like I was an alien for being female and wanting those things. Wondering, years later, when I found a trans man’s website about sex, describing some of the things he did and wanted to do and how he did them, if that was me. Feeling like I’d finally found descriptions of sex and sexuality that fit.

I was more aware of femininity and how it didn’t fit, and how everyone either tried to convince me to fit it or called me “he.” I was very unhappy with either of those options. (I don’t so much feel uncomfortable with being read as male nowadays. I kind of like it. I wonder about transition, but I’m not sure I’d feel any more comfortable on the other end of the gender continuum than I do on this one.)

As far as really thinking about the word, not until a Women’s Studies class in college. The point was the social stereotypes of masculinity and femininity and how stifling they are, but I felt weird and attacked even though I understood. I felt like I was being described as this enemy to women, when as far as I could tell I was one. I didn’t like the word — as it was presented it described some pretty icky people, it seemed — but I liked what it was supposed to represent, and came to see myself as on the masculine side of androgynous.

Which I still do, and that’s part of why I wrestle with whether or not I qualify as “butch.” (That I’m queer but not a dyke — I tend to date men — is the other.) I dress in a way I’d call butch when I’m wearing clothes I feel good in, I fuck in a masculine way, I go by Sir in the leather community and wonder where the matron is when someone says Ma’am… but I wonder how much of that is sexual persona and how much is my essence. They’re definitely intertwined, but there’s a lot of kink in it all. Which sometimes makes me fear I’m trampling on the toes of people who have it harder, since they’re not “just” folks with a fetish.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I have kind of a love-hate relationship with the term. I use it because I still feel I’m a little too androgynous to be “butch,” but I’m not sure if I’m too androgynous to quite qualify as “masculine” either. “Masculine female” is the closest bad approximation when I’m trying to say that look, my sense of my gender and body and role and what I want from those things is not like what I see most women wanting.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I’m a stone (most of the time) top. I’d much rather penetrate than be penetrated, and while I don’t think that’s necessarily masculine (femmes with sparkly strap-ons under their skirts are yay, and no less feminine), for me it fits with my gender and my sense of myself in a way that I do think of as masculine.

While it may not be popular in Feministlund to say this, and I definitely don’t think it’s true of everyone, I actually do suspect that I was born this way. I knew from a very, very young age that what people told me females were designed to do sexually was wrong for me, and what people told me males were designed to do sexually was right for me. It caused me great distress as a young child, as I knew nothing about strap-ons or whatever else. I thought I was crazy, and tried desperately to try to make myself feel that bottoming sexually seemed natural and right. I was angry at my body for not being equipped to have sex right, though I didn’t think of myself as a boy.

Though I’ve also seen some references to studies that suggested that girls who had disabilities grew up to behave in ways considered more masculine as a way of coping with being impaired or sick. So who knows.

At any rate I think this is a part of who I am and not something that should be laid at the feet of society.

I was especially interested in the distinctions that Michael drew between bodily and emotional strength. The way these ideas work in the context of masculinity is an important concept that warrants further investigation.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

Two things come to mind: As a child, prior to the divorce of my parents, I clearly remember that while our family was visiting a neighbor’s house and saying goodbye to go home, I was hanging off of my dad’s arm like a monkey, his arm up like a tree limb as if he was flexing his bicep. I remember thinking that I’d never do this with mom, but not dwelling on why. He was clearly the Patriarch in that setting, no other children around. I would have been in the single digits, age-wise. 1970s.

Also, the college atmosphere in general made me more aware of it. In high school we all were just kids, but now we were becoming ADULTS, with adult goals and such. Sex was more present than in the high school atmosphere which while I know that some was going on, it wasn’t something I regarded as a big deal or glorified, despite hearing guy talk of conquests to the contrary. So in this case, I think the idea of maturity was tied into it. Early 20s, in the early 1990s.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I didn’t in the past. Being more cerebral than athletic, I left masculinity to the guys who were chasing balls on a court or field. Once I reached college, dating within my college interests (theatre) let talent and creativity be an appreciated characteristic instead of the physical stuff. I was making connections on a cerebral or emotional level, and then making a physical connection with the people who got that far. It’s interesting to note that the acting stuff is at heart an emotional connection, and my then-current view of masculinity didn’t play into it all.

I do think of myself as masculine now. My interests haven’t changed, and I still don’t have the body of an athlete, but these’s a difference in my brainspace. Learning what women aren’t attracted to was a great help in changing the way I thought about myself and masculinity. I could only give you generalities, and there are exceptions to everything, but in learning about myself and being objective, I could eliminate my mindset of being the “nice guy,” “big brother,” or “friend” in relationships with women. I didn’t choose that for myself, but once I had identified it, I could adjust my behavior and interactions with both genders to be more masculine, and enjoyed the change. Here we’re talking my late 20s, well after college.

It was incredibly difficult to change a lifetime of behavior, but the result was worth it. For years, I thought that to become more masculine, and in turn be thought of as attractive by those who appreciated masculinity, that I had to engage in behavior that I found off-putting, i.e. treating women poorly, instead of as something special. When I realized that I could keep what makes me ME, and sheer away the non-masculine behavior that wasn’t earning me any points with anyone, it was a revelation, i.e. you tease the woman instead of complimenting her constantly. I didn’t have to be one of those guys that treated women so badly that I shook my head when they’d keep going back for more, but I wasn’t playing puppydog to them either. I learned that masculinity isn’t muscles. I couldn’t tell you what it is in a paragraph though.

People talk about confidence, which is just as hard to define. And as to why some people have it, and others don’t, I couldn’t really tell you, because my only real thoughts about it stem from solving my problems with dating early on in life. I do know that a large part of confidence is basically being really good at living your life. And I know that a large part of masculinity is confidence.

I do consider myself masculine now, certainly. Typing it out seems egotistical, though. I know that certain people look up to me, that men and women find me attractive, but I’m not going to even guess at which came first: the masculinity or the effect from others. They definitely feed each other.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I identify as a heterosexual male, if I’m filling out a form for something. More importantly, I really just identify as Michael. That’s not being glib, I just think that part of being a man is not worrying about labels, or other people’s opinions. I don’t find men who aren’t masculine repulsive, and being a theatre geek and professional actor, I have more than my share of friends with varying sexualities.

I choose not to display overtly masculine cartoon characteristics, engage in guy talk or otherwise behave in a way that shows that I have no class. I keep a lot of female best friends, and love them dearly, so any guy talk is primarily done with them. You learn more that way.

Once I learned that I had sexual prowess, it really fed into my growing masculinity. And as I mentioned, that in turn made me feel more masculine. I think it’s a man’s job to “take” a woman somewhere, either physically or philosophically, so if that’s being a strong lead while dancing (and every woman who dances will tell you they like a strong lead) then so be it. If it means orgasms, then ok. It might mean cuddling with no hint of sex, or just including her in your plans for the evening. It all comes with the “job.”

Appearing vulnerable isn’t to be ignored though, although I once suggested to a lady that “she wanted a guy who could cry, just not in front of HER.” She said, “EXACTLY.” I have to be vulnerable on stage every time I walk out there, and a true connection with a woman necessitates connecting with your barriers down, but I don’t think that compromises your masculinity.

On this episode I interview Sinclair of Sugarbutch Chronicles. We discuss gender, butch/femme identity, bdsm, and erotic blogging. You’ll also be treated to an incredibly sexy piece of erotica read by Sinclair.

************************

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He also wrote this gorgeous post about our play with Hania last week. Sigh. I will certainly be recounting the experience from my perspective as well but reading it from his was fun. While we were all together, I kept looking up at him and smiling. He was a bystander some of the time but he never lost the look of wonder and delight from his eyes. He is such a treasure to have as a lover and best friend.

Here are a few of his words:

Hania motioned for me to help her out of her top, then her bra. Her breasts, while smaller than Ellie’s, were very large for Hania’s small frame and quite perky. The dark almond colored areolas that we thought we saw the month before were even more sexy than Ellie and I had imagined (trust me, we spent a few nights in bed talking about Hania’s lovely body).

Ellie laid down on her back and Hania straddled her playing with her breasts. They rubbed their bodies together, kissed, sucked, and licked for almost an hour before Hania started pulling Ellie’s panties off.

I wish I had a better vantage point so I could give a play-by-play. The only thing I can say for sure is that the three of us all seemed to be enjoying ourselves. Hania’s slurping and kissing, Ellie’s moans, and my angelic expression probably express the feelings of the moment better than a verbose description could.

He also posted a really lovely photo of Hania in the rope harness that I put on her:

This weekend, we’ll be going out of town for a very impromptu weekend with Artemis and Jeff. She called me last night and we agreed that when Artemis asks for your attendance, you do what you can to make it happen. We should come home with new stories to tell and some brand new rope skills. Rope skills that I hope to use and continue improving at Dark Odyssey in a few weeks.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

I can’t remember NOT being aware of masculinity. Many of my early memories are of my Moms brother and his wife who lived next door. He was big on bodybuilding and was clear and vocal about what a man and a woman should should be. He was more than a little “caveman” in his thinking. The rest of my family and most of the others I know were more in step with the times, but even at that, roles were pretty clearly defined. Our extended family would often take trips together where the men would go fishing and the women would shop. Even at the preschool age I would ask why, I, “a man” was going shopping. They said I would get to go with the men when I got a little older. And I did. While not a caveman, my Dad was still a product of the times. He would take me with him often…to the auto parts store and the hardware store. (I still love going to “Dom Depot”) When my Mom was in the hospital we, as a male family, had to have a grandma come over to cook and clean for us.
Even with that I knew girls were of more interest to me than boys and I spent much more time with the neighborhood girls than boys. And playing “show and tell” was just one of the reasons. While I got called sissy and even fag a good deal I never had any doubt about what I liked and who had it and who didn’t.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I do, but not in the context of the “caveman” or even the “father knows best”. I see myself more of a renaissance man. I want the women in my life to be educated and enlightened, whether they are a bar wench or the queen or both. I admit to retaining some issues from youth. I can’t help it that I still find it much easier to cut grass that to wash dishes. I can however cook if I can ever get my wife and our girlfriend out of the kitchen at the same time. I do see men as protector still, but know enough to share that duty with women. My wife and I are currently sharing the finer points of hunting and shooting with our girlfriend.
In life and in the bedroom (or whatever room works at the time) we are all equal partners. We each bring something different to the table (or bed) and its all good.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

Being into BDSM and poly has been a great way to express my desire to be “lord of the manor” as well as “sex toy” (at different times) without taking, or giving up, equality in the relationship. In both BDSM and poly communication and trust are acknowledged as paramount and while men may be from Mars we need to be able to hear and express the needs and feelings of those involved. “Real men” should be able to do this.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

I suspect that it was a few months before I turned 18. Sure, I’d spent my share of time ogling girls and watching porn and wanking like a savage 17-year-old, but it was never something I did with an awareness of maleness attached. But it was during my last year of high school, right after Christmas, that a long-term friend became a girlfriend. And then I discovered that she was an emotional wreck. And then I discovered that I really got off on being a knight* in shining armor, on being Atlas — on holding up her sky. That was my awakening into masculinity.

It was also a long-distance thing. She and I had gone to school together, but then I moved. By the time we became a couple, I lived some 400 miles away. It took around three months for us to get a chance to see each other for the first time since getting “together,” and even that was only for a week or two. So my knighthood developed primarily along emotional and intellectual (rather than physical) lines.

So when the time came to start sleeping together, it was complicated. I’d never even held a girl’s hand before her, and she’d had a bit of experience, most of it bad. She, like so many women, had been a victim of violent sexual abuse as a child. I knew only that I wanted to protect her, to make her feel safe, to see her really smile now and again. She wanted me to slap her around, call her names, and facefuck her. At first, I was repulsed — mostly by the cognitive dissonance caused by wanting to give her what she wanted, and having based most of my personality around the role of guardian. I’ll get back to this in answering the other questions.

*I’ve seen a lot of discourse about the mixed messages sent to women, the social imperative to be the “virgin whore,” etc. I’ve seen almost no mention of the analogue that men often face — the social imperative to be both a knight and an ogre.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

The simple answer is “Yes.” The complicated answer is “Yes, but not to the exclusion of all else.” Physically, I’m a fairly big guy — 5-foot-11, 230 pounds, stronger than one might expect from a guy who exercises as little as I do. Intellectually and socially, I’m very alpha-male, most of the time. I’m also a dom, thanks in large part to the aforementioned first girlfriend, and it’s not a part of me that belongs exclusively to my sexuality. It’s also something that is a feature of my character and not just of my behavior. (I remember one time in college, some friends were hanging out at our apartment. Girl A asked Girl B about what exactly a “dom” is. Girl B struggled for a while to explain, then threw her hands in the air exasperatedly, saying “You know, like Peter!”)

Thinking about it now, it’s interesting (though not entirely surprising) that I answer the question “Are you masculine?” with “Yes, I’m dominant.” But there are a lot of ways to play the dom game, just like there are a lot of ways to play the man game, and some of those ways are preferable to others. At first, I was repulsed and confused by the things my ex wanted me to do to her. I was repulsed and confused by the idea of treating her as an object and taking from her whatever I wanted. Then I thought about it a bit and realized that when I was slapping her and calling her a whore, it wasn’t about me — it was about her. So I discovered that dominance must be tempered by love, empathy, and affection.

So those are the things I use to temper my masculinity. I can’t say for sure that I’m more of a knight than an ogre. But I play up the atmosphere of the knight, so when I act like an ogre, most people are either amused or forgiving. Everyone who knows me knows that they are rarely safer than when they’re with me, so no one takes issue when I heap insults and derision on those I love.

It’s a game of spectrums and opposites, but the trick, at least in my experience, has been to play both sides. A piano will always sound like a piano, but the effect it has on the listener depends on the skill of the player and the type of composition. I will always be a man, but the way I interact with the world, with others, and with myself will always depend on the last good book I read, the alignment of the stars, and how long it’s been since I last got laid.

So it goes.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I haven’t really left myself a lot of room to answer this question, I think. I’m feeling the strong impulse to talk about being a dom instead of talking about being a man. Let’s see.

I don’t think I could have sex with or be in a relationship with a woman who was taller than me. But is that a consequence of masculinity, or dominance?

I enjoy the feeling of self-mastery, and the feeling I get when others accept my authority. But is that a consequence of masculinity, or dominance?

I like being stronger than people and being smarter than people, but I also like people who are stronger than me and smarter than me. But is that a consequence of masculinity, or dominance?

I don’t know. I think that in my case, at least, the two are too interwoven to reasonably differentiate. So my masculinity is my sexuality, but that’s a masculinity rooted in Nietzsche’s Übermensch, in Kierkegaard’s “self-making man,” in hardcore pornography, in hugs and savage affection, in sunsets and oceans and the wind in the trees and leather on skin.

Like others, Jack cites male family members as clear role models but I was also interested in the images of masculinity he drew from popular culture. This is an aspect of masculinity that is discussed infrequently and deserves attention. His influences, in particular, are eclectic and not the first things that many people would associate with the word “masculine”.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

I guess like a lot of men my image of masculinity is very much rooted in my father. I actually grew up in a house full of women. I was raised by my mother and I had an aunt and two female cousins in the same house as us for most of my childhood.

I think playing sports with my father was when I realized “hey, this what men are supposed to be like.” My was (and still is) a brilliant man who is also athletic and very emotionally detached. I remember playing catch with him, I must have been about nine, and he threw the ball to me and he would throw these pop ups that would basically disappear into the sky and then come down like a meteor.

At home the women were emotional, moody, scattered. When I visited my father I saw someone rational, cold and very disciplined. Masculinity comes with an air of being in control. Being in control of yourself and being in control of others.

It was the mid eighties, New York, upper middle class. I also very much associated wealth and financial security with masculinity I think. My father was a business man, he wore a suit everyday and
carried a brief case and made a lot of money. He drove a BMW and owned two houses and made a point of telling me how he put himself through college.

In my late 20′s, when I finally had some financial freedom and security I remember feeling like a man more than any other time in my life.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I think of myself as pretty masculine. I’ve actually grown into masculinity. I was a lot less masculine as a kid. Or at least I felt less masculine. I was a nerd, reading too many books, fascinated by
everything. I wasn’t good at sports, I was soft. I was emotional, I cried, I lashed out, I built up all kinds of defenses. If masculinity meant being in control, I was out of control most of my life.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

My sexual tastes are not that focused, but I would certainly say I am mostly straight. I like girls, though I occasionally am intrigued by men it is usually not a sexual kind of feeling. That being said I have been very attracted to women who dress like men and act like men in the past. Thus my old habit of falling for lesbians. Drag kings are hot, but it’s not the masculinity that turns me on as much as the masculine front with the feminine peeking out. A chubby girl in a suit and tie with a drawn on mustache is only hot if the curve of her breasts is still unable to be hidden and the smoothness of her cheeks too perfect.

That being said I am mostly attracted to feminine girls. Curves and pouting lips, large breasts and asses. My tastes shift and grow as I get older and more than anything physical intelligence and creativity are my main attractors and those things are not inherently masculine or feminine to me.

As for me I think I put off a pretty manly vibe. I certainly look and dress like a man. I am often obsessed by women and femininity. A lot of my idols are women, though. Anais Nin being the person I have read most about in life and have drawn so much from.

My idea of masculinity is rooted in my father, Indiana Jones, Batman, Dr Peter Venkman and Henry Miller. Smart, strong, creative, bawdy, hairy and dominant.

Some people have asked me if they can answer the questions. Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from as many people about this as possible. You can answer the questions and email your response to lumpesse AT gmail DOT com or you can post them on your own weblog. There is no need to link back to me (although I certainly don’t mind) but I would love if you sent me a link so that I could link to your responses here. The only thing I ask is that the comments of each post be left to discuss that particular post, so don’t post your answers in the comments.

Jay is an incredibly special person and his answers here were not news to me. But reading them has made me feel closer to him. His memories and recollections are, like many of the men I have featured, heart-breaking, thought-provoking, and raw.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

My earliest childhood memories (ages 2-3) are of my father physically abusing my mother. The ensuing conversations that transpired between my mother and I told me in no uncertain terms all of the negative traits that made a man.

Growing up with a single mother and 2 sisters I never really trusted any men enough to let them have a positive effect on my view of masculinity. As a child I was more submissive and feminine than most of my peers and certainly less masculine than my tom-boy sister.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Now I feel a lot more masculine than I did as a child, but I’m still a very passive person in general.

I know that many people have read about my sexual experiences online and have commented to the effect of “You’re such a man, you know what you want and you go after it.” Of course they don’t know me and the fact that I am a kind, shy, passive, gentle person (or at least they look over those facts as I do try to write about them).

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I’m the quiet, shy, rebellious type (wait, is there a type like that?). I look for any way I can to play with people’s traditional concepts whether it is family values, religion, or sexuality/gender. My orientation is bisexual, although right now I’m swinging back toward heteroflexible.

In kink play, BDSM, and parties I prefer to dress up as a woman and take a dominant role (which is a lot of fun since I have a very full beard). At a recent party I was dressed as Jackie O and spent most of my “play time” whipping the bejesus out of a tiny little woman in front of a rather large audience… if that gives you any idea ;)

This next interview is from Wanton Male who is a bisexual blogger. He has been writing about sex online for a long time and I’m thrilled and honored that he took the time to respond to my questions. His responses reflect some of the same trepidation and confusion about masculinity that all of the men so far have expressed.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?
This is a tough one for my shoddy memory. I can’t conciously remember an exact moment. I guess I grew up in a fairly typical, nuclear family, my father being my role model in that regard. Dad was in charge, fixed things around the house, mowed the yard, played sports and whatnot.

As far as noting the differences between the sexes, I noticed how my parents were different and certainly played my fair share of “show me yours, I’ll show you mine” throughout my youth with both girls and boys. Funnily enough, I’m still playing that game.

I grew up in the 70s and was a service brat. My father was an officer and pilot in the Air Force, so certainly some influences there. That certainly added to my observations of masculinity, as I was exposed to a healthier than average dose of discipline and structure. Plus, my dad flew planes, how manly is that?

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?
My first inclination is to waffle, and say, yes and no. However, if forced to choose one, AND be honest, I have to say no.

One of the main aspects of masculinity, in my mind at least, is the physicality of it. I’ve never been a big guy. I’m average height and have always been towards the skinny side, even in my younger days. Back then though, I would have said yes. I was smallish, but I was resilient, I was scrappy. These days I am shell of that.

For the last 15 years I have been fighting severe rheumatoid arthritis. I’ve had multiple operations replacing joints that have been destroyed by my disease. I won’t say I am frail, but I am certainly weakened, and most definitely limited in what I can do physically. So in that regard, it has definitely been emasculating.

Emotionally, I probably lean towards feminine. It’s cliche, but I am in touch with my feelings, and don’t run screaming from them. Not exactly masculine there. I’m kind, nice, empathetic, and I enjoy talking, all of which makes me very popular with women. I make a great girlfriend apparently.

Which leads me to sexually. I am incredibly sexual. I may be chatting sweetly with the ladies but I am thinking about how I could be fucking them. My sex drive is high, and usually stays there. I fully fit the bill of masculinity here.

There are myriad other things where I am masculine. Intellectually I’m logical, practical, and rational. I can be aggressive, dominating and demanding. I’m not the breadwinner of our household, but I do make the majority of the decisions.

So there we go. I am a conflicting and chaotic example of masculinity. Certainly no poster child for it.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?
I honestly don’t know. I am bisexual with limited experience on the bi side. I actually kinda just like thinking of myself as just really sexual and a sensualist. I wanna have fun, and I’m not particular with which side of the fence it is.

In bed with women, I tend to take a laid back, have fun attitude, unless I am purposefully being aggressive. Except when it comes to pleasing her. I damn well want her to come, and as many times as possible, but is that related to masculinity? Beats me.

Interestingly enough, with men, so far at least, I seem to be the top. Which honestly is not, how I figured it would be. Will this change as I have more experiences, I cannot say, but I’m not bothered with it either way. I’m just looking for a good time.

D’s responses focus largely on the body and the physical realities of typical masculine vs. feminine forms. By characterizing himself as androgynous, D seems to separate himself from masculinity both sexually as well as physically.

This photograph was taken by D’s wife Thursday.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

The first time I was aware of masculinity would be when I first tried to play organized sports. Sports reeks of masculine ability, and it sums up the masculinity in competition. I noticed that most of masculinity revolves around establishing yourself in the pecking order. I suck at sports, built thin, gangly and uncoordinated. Strength and stamina are prerequisites of masculine power and sports, sadly.

I was about 8 I think. My sister was very good at sports, much better than I was. Small midwest town. Sports are the big thing in the town. That is what school pretty much revolves around. My parents were very supportive of reading and education, but they did love the sports aspect of my sister.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

No. I have never felt very dominant, nor do I have a masculine build. I have what would be typical ‘feminine traits’. I’m a peacemaker and hate competition. I have middle child syndrome written all over me. I am passive and compromising, touchy feely, not what I would consider masculine. I always felt that I look more androgynous than masculine.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

Well, I find I am attracted to women that have a very feminine look. Very curvy, not really thin and boyish. I am also almost always attracted to dominant women. I am very non-threatening to women. That was a problem in school. I’ve also always been bi-curious. I like the thin, lithe boy types – kind of the opposite of what I like about women.

Some people have asked me if they can answer the questions. Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from as many people about this as possible. You can answer the questions and email your response to lumpesse AT gmail DOT com or you can post them on your own weblog. There is no need to link back to me (although I certainly don’t mind) but I would love if you sent me a link so that I could link to your responses here. The only thing I ask is that the comments of each post be left to discuss that particular post, so don’t post your answers in the comments.

Gabe keeps a personal blog called Wretched and Beautiful as well as working on the Pornocracy blog with his amazing partner Elizabeth. Reading his responses, I was brought to tears. I think that many people will be touched by his personal take on these questions.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

When I was in 3rd grade I rode to school with my friend Sean. He was telling me one morning about how his dad was teaching him how to build a birdhouse. This was a big deal for Sean and his dad because there were certain things you had to do to be a man, and one of those was building something. When he finished the project, then Sean could proclaim that he was closer to being a man. I never had much interest in hardware, so I asked him, “What if you grow up and you don’t ever build anything?” He said “Oh, then you’re just a half a man, I guess.”

Other times that I can remember were things like not wanting to go hunting with my dad for the first time. I broke down crying because I didn’t want to hurt anything. Similarly, I remember my little brother throwing a stick at me and it hit the side of my leg and left a cut. I was so mad I was shaking and crying and I was encouraged to just hit him back. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt him.

So my clearest early memories of masculinity and how I was supposed to do masculinity are in those instances where I was outside the borders of masculine behavior. I never associated masculinity with things like my dad’s affectionate side. Those were him not his masculinity.

What was the cultural climate? This was early 80′s rural South in a working/lower class family surrounded by the same.

Influences on my early view and experience of masculinity? All those things that the guys in my family did were the things that got associated with masculinity: hunting and fishing, fixing cars, manual labor.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Eh, it depends on the day. I’ve often just written off the whole concept of being a man, deciding that if it’s defined as things that I want no part in then I’ll just not bother with being a man. At the same time, it’s a role that I find myself in here and there, and I’m more and more comfortable with it. Is that the same as being masculine? I’m not sure. I know I’m a dom and a sadist, and those are often related to masculinity in a lot of people’s minds. I also have no real ambition to succeed in a high powered career nor to make lots of money, and those seem to be very masculine drives. Masculinity as a whole seems to be made up of a bunch of random traits, some of which I have, others I don’t. I’m not sure if the ways in which I’m androgynous reduce or call more attention to the ways in which I’m masculine. If I wear a skirt, does that make my beard stand out that much more? If I focus on listening and nurturing, does it take away from the ways in which I have masculine strength?

So I suppose the answer to the first question is “Sometimes, sure.” Why? Because masculinity itself seems to be bullshit as a whole, even if I do embody and value a selection (large or small) of the things included in masculinity and appreciate the comments of those who see me as masculine and my masculinity as a good thing.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

This is the one I’m having the hardest time with. I have to wonder what role masculinity plays in my being a dom, particularly since I’m hetero. Being identified (and identifying) as male, yet one who didn’t have the “natural” in with the power structures, I wonder how much of my play with power is a result of that. I came from a poor family, and a rural one at that. The cultural story is that men have power, are in control and are strong, yet I grew up not feeling that power (most likely due to class). Am I now playing with that tension between being told I should have power, but not actually feeling empowered? It’s possible. Or I could be reading way too much into what gets my dick hard.

Some people have asked me if they can answer the questions. Absolutely! I look forward to hearing from as many people about this as possible. You can answer the questions and email your response to lumpesse AT gmail DOT com or you can post them on your own weblog. There is no need to link back to me (although I certainly don’t mind) but I would love if you sent me a link so that I could link to your responses here. The only thing I ask is that the comments of each post be left to discuss that particular post, so don’t post your answers in the comments.

My first responder is an anonymous reader whose ideas I can really appreciate. It seems like being a “typical woman” is an acceptable choice for ladies but being typical in any way makes a man an oppressor. I think that his interview really reveals how there are thoughts beyond those typical responses. I want to thank him so much for this careful and touching set of responses.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

When I was very young I played “doctor” with my two female cousins, one of whom was my age and one of whom was as couple years older. We were probably 4 and 6. It wasn’t actually “doctor”. It was more like “stripper”. We’d take turns standing on a table in their basement and dancing around while taking our clothes off. It was erotic in the most innocent way imaginable. We knew we could get in trouble for it, and that their mother was right on the other side of the basement door, in the kitchen. I wasn’t there when they got busted, but I know they did get busted at some point. Presumably there were other boys they played that game with. The older cousin was the instigator, ringleader, and master of ceremonies. Also usually the first person to dance.

That was my first experience of “female” as an attractive “other”. I guess I knew earlier on that girls and boys were different, but only in some vague cootie-related way that never gave me much sense of “masculinity” as opposed to anything else. There was something about being a boy, about that thing between my legs, about how those two girls got interested when it got hard. Somehow I knew that was part of my SELF–my Identity. Also, I knew my dad had one, and it was important to me that I did too.

Cultural climate or influence: suburban Utah. I grew up in a suburb about 20 minutes north of Salt Lake City, and the cousins were another 15 or 20 minutes north. Something like 90% Mormon where I grew up. I wasn’t one, but they were (and still are). I discovered in my teen years that Mormon girls are just BUSTING to rebel, and given the slightest provocation they become complete wildcats. I imagine that my older cousin was playing some of that game (we were aware of the transgression this was), coupled with natural young-childhood curiosity.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

I do, in a sense. I don’t really ever think about myself as masculine; I just am it. I’m about the straightest straight boy on the planet, and every woman I’ve ever been with has said so. I’m very much a Typical Boy. Minx has been mentioning lately about writing your own manual. I don’t need a manual, I need a pamphlet. I like boobs and blowjobs and having dinner cooked for me. I like protecting and pampering my women, taking them out and showing them off, buying them things. I like going out with the guys and drinking beer.

I guess the only place I’m not completely typical is that I’m not possessive or territorial about the people I love. I CAN be, certainly, but I’ve dealt with those aspects of myself thoroughly enough that they no longer dominate me.

Masculinity as I experience it is fraught with anxieties, but is loath to admit that it is. Femininity may be the same way, I suppose; I wouldn’t know. Here’s an example: I played golf yesterday with two female friends, and I opted to tee off from the Ladies’ tees with them, rather than all of us stopping at the Mens’ while I hit, then all of us going down to the Ladies’ for them to hit. I confess, on the hole where the groundskeeper was watching us tee off, I had a moment of concern about what he would think. I had even more concern about how I’d rationalize hitting from the “right” tee box without my friends knowing I was worried about not looking like a sissy to a stranger on a tractor. I know the male golfing buddies I usually play with would never let me hear the end of it if they knew I played from the Ladies’, but I concluded pretty quickly that that would say a lot more about their hang-ups than mine. The punchline is, I had one of the best rounds of my life, and I’m now hesitant to brag about that because I know I got about 700 free yards based on hitting from the “wrong” tees.

So, while I’m quite confident and comfortable with my masculinity and sexual orientation, there’s always the “guy thing” of appearing macho and never letting anyone question your masculinity. Which I hate, when I’m sucked into it, but find myself having concern for anyway.

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

As I said above, if there’s a thing a Guy would like in bed or most anywhere else, odds are very good I’ll like it. Naked girls. Blowjobs. Tit fucking. Doggy style. Facials. Mainstream porn is pretty much made for me.

And that just seems the natural and automatic thing to me, and I have to consciously try to have anything else not seem weird. We’re good friends with a couple–actually, the first people my wife and I tried non-monogamy with–the husband of whom is a true masochist; he can’t orgasm without also receiving pain. Initially I found that unfathomable and unpalatable. After being around them sexually for a while, I now only find it unfathomable. I still can’t imagine wanting that, but I now get that that IS in fact what he wants. He’d be a lifestyle submissive, actually, and be quite happy with that. She doesn’t want a pet, though, she wants a partner. They had some stuff to sort out before they got married, obviously…

Part of what it is to be a Guy is to be constantly… not quite “on the prowl”, but always having my antenna up. I notice women like crazy. I probably fall in love with some random woman on the street five or six times a week. And I seem to have a “type”–which you would identify right off if you saw a picture of my lady loves. Cute, dark-haired, geek girls. There was a girl working the counter at a bowling alley one night that I nearly invited home with us on the spot, and you could have laid her down next to my other two and had a matched set. (Which was, in fact, exactly my plan.) A woman I’m attracted to has to be my intellectual equal, but have a vulnerability or softness for me to protect. And she needs to be tough enough to take care of me when I need it too.

I don’t know… I’m not a Big Macho guy, despite how this likely sounds. I’m fairly enlightened regarding my emotions and needs (I’m poly! Hello!). But there’s still an aspect of my masculinity that somehow never quite emerged from the cave. There’s definitely something primitive inside me that wants to howl at the moon and dominate others with force and sleep with every woman I see. I keep that fairly well contained, and generally manage to express it only in socially acceptable ways (with the exception of: I’m poly! Hello!). But it’s there.

This is an interesting inquiry. I saw some things about myself, engaging in these questions.

So we met for drinks and talked about school and teaching and the law. We also talked about lubes and blogging and the joys of rope and electro-sex. I’m attracted to Carmine but the conversation wasn’t sexy, it wasn’t flirtatious, it just was.

He asked me back to his place so I texted Jay to make sure it was alright. It was. I knew that something might happen but I wasn’t expecting it. Carmine is sweet and self-effacing. He has a slight Boston accent that makes my pussy twinge when he says words like “car”. I couldn’t, for the life of me see him making the first move.

He did. Standing in his living room he grabs me and kisses me. He leads me to the bedroom and begins taking off my clothes. We tumbled around on the bed for awhile kissing and groping. At one point he paused, excusing himself to go to the bathroom. I posed myself so that I would look effortlessly sexy when he came back in the room. On my stomach, legs bent and crossed at the ankles with feet in the air. He came back in the room and slid on top of me, caressing my back with his body and kissing the top of my head. I felt his cock pressing against my ass and I wiggled a bit as I looked over my shoulder at him.

“You have a baseball bat next to your bed.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you afraid of intruders?”

“No, it helps me think.”

I look at him quizzically.

“It is a guy thing,” he explains, “it is phallic.”

I smirk and decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is grinding against me and kissing my shoulders. He asks me what I want and I shoot the question back at him. So, he tells me he wants to fuck me and spanks my ass. Too softly.

I tell him I want to fuck him too but he’s going to have to hit harder. He does.

So we fuck.

Yeah, I know, I always skip that part. Here, let me give you some highlights. He slides into me and his cock is thick and hard and I squeeze him. His eyes widen a bit and so do mine. He pins my hands beside my head. He squeezes my wrists hard and it hurts and I really love it. I scream, a lot. Obscenities, sacrilegious prayers, and incomprehensible things. Throughout it all, Carmine retains a placid and contemplative look on his face. I smile and he smiles back but he is already smiling. I wonder if there is some joke that I am missing. And as his cock slams me, sometimes too hard and too deep. So aggressively that I have to remind him that my cervix is there, he still smiles. I wonder if this has something to do with the baseball bat.

So, we finish and I bite my lip and steal a quick glance at him. I giggle a bit. I’m not being myself so much as an approximation of myself. It is okay, he might know this or it might be too complex for the moment or he might not even care. I ask him to explain the baseball bat again. He picks it up and shows me. He is laying on his back next to a puddle of ejaculate with a baseball bat in his hands and my naked body slung partially over his. He looks a bit like he owns the world. He holds the bat like he is expecting a pitch and moves it back and forth a bit. I duck and giggle. He explains that he’s never even played baseball on a team and he isn’t that big of a fan. It just works. He tousles my hair and asks if I want a cigarette.

I tell him that I’ve never had a cigarette after sex before. Maybe it is too much of a cliche. He gives me an incredulous look. Law students are apt to smoking and Carmine knows that when I’m having a drink, I’m prone to a cigarette or two. I tell him that I’ve probably fucked smokers before but the cigarette never came up. He tells me it can’t be beat.

We slide back into our clothes and walk out on the porch and talk about evolutionary biology and have a smoke. He isn’t lying, it is a really good cigarette. The night is hot and exceedingly Southern he tells me that he hopes that now that we’ve gotten the preliminaries out of the way, we can get more adventurous next time.

Oh, thats right I left out some details. I met Carmine because he likes cross dressing and taking it in the ass from girls with strap-ons. He is also perfectly capable of spanking me and pinning me to the bed while he fucks me hard. Interesting how people and their sexualities aren’t just one thing. My life and relationships would be much too boring if that were true.

It occurs to me that the way to get anyone concerned with any issue is to demonstrate to them the impact that it directly has on their life. Now, certainly injustices done to a woman in his life would make many feminist boyfriends care deeply about feminist causes. But, I would argue that this is going to elicit a very particular, personal, and only partially useful response – the desire to protect his partner. Now, I think that everyone in life can use a cheering section but a protection response sort of buys into a whole ‘nother set of gender stereotypes, those surrounding masculinity.

But guess what? The word “masculinity” only came up once in 75 comments. So, here is where I think that the Feministe discussion falls flat – it assumes that men need to respond to feminism and support it in some intrinsically male way. Well fuck that, in my book a feminist boyfriend is one that recognizes the gender wankery all around us and understands what it is doing to both of us. He sees that masculinity (as an institution) is just as insidious as femininity and that they depend on each other to survive. My feminist boyfriend knows that sexual violence against men isn’t an anomaly and bravely shares his experiences with it to give other men the courage. My feminist boyfriend cross dresses if he feels like it. Has a beard if he feels like it. Lets me fuck him in the ass if he feels like it. My feminist boyfriend sees the things he is coded by society to be and makes his own fucking decisions about that – just like his feminist girlfriend.

[via BeingAmberRhea]