If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. You might also be interested in my sex podcast, Bedroom Radio. Thanks for visiting!

The South is my adopted home but I don’t always get along with Southerners. Most of my friends here are other Northern transplants, but I know my fair share of people born and bred in the dirty dirty. Ian is one of those people. He has a mild twang in his voice, he is exceedingly polite, and he is a tall drink of water. He is also bisexual, has a very nice cock, and is one kinky bastard.

Jay and I have been fooling around with Ian lately and he has me thinking about how purely joyful and fun sex can be. See, Ian is hilarious, he likes to laugh and he likes to make his partners laugh and the fact that he may be fucking someone is immaterial to him deciding whether or not to tell a joke. In fact, he pointed out that my pussy gets extra tight when I laugh, this all might be very intentional!

The sex we have been having with Ian isn’t sensual, poetic sex. It also isn’t rough, aggressive sex. In short, it isn’t sex blogger sex. But I love laughing in bed, it is the most natural thing in the world for me. (Listeners of Bedroom Radio know that I giggle after most orgasms.) Something that falls by the wayside in erotica is just how hilarious sex is. Just by itself, inherently, it is prone to serious laughs. You have naked people, genitals, bodily fluids, and tricky maneuvering. When God is in the mood for some slapstick comedy, he peers down on everyone fucking. And smiles.

In many ways, Ian is the perfect third for Jay and I. He matches our silly and playful attitudes. I don’t have to affect some fort of sex kitten persona with him. I get to sarcastic, bold, and forthright. I ask for what I want unabashedly with no coy or seductive pretenses.

Last night when Jay filled his hand with lube and spilled most of it on the bed, we all laughed. When Ian pointed out that it looks like snot, we laugh some more. When I slip and nearly hit the floor stepping over the spot where Jay spilled the lube, we all completely lost it. And it is okay. Nothing is missing. The genitals all remain and the adventurous spirit keeps hold. I’ve never believed in the idea that a “moment” can be lost but even if that is true, a moment given over to laughter with friends hardly feels like a sacrifice.

The sweating and grunting? The screaming and whimpering? The pleasure that takes us over? They are important too, and they have their own moments. But they aren’t what make this sexy and fun - I don’t know if they are even the goal.

[Curious about that picture at the top? Well this is what happens when I hand Jay a marker and tell him that he can write on me. We later discovered that I left a stamped impression of fireworks on the bed sheets. What can I say, it was the 4th of July.]

About this time last year I took a trip to New York. It was fun and I had a nice adventure but I got so busy that I never said more than this about it. A pity that I never finished that thought. To answer the riddle, Shortbus was awesome and Billy’s was not (I’ve made much better cupcakes at home). That leaves Jefferson - holy.fucking.hell. You know, you read about someone’s life - and he is a really excellent writer - and you figure it can’t be anything like what they say it is. Now, I only got a glimpse into a few hours of Jefferson’s life but it was weirdly exactly as he describes it. He actually is that fucking confident and sexy and interesting. Oh, and really brilliant in bed.

I never wrote about this before because I thought so much time had passed that it was too late to bother making the entry. But, as Jefferson mentioned in an email this morning, it is never too late. And he wrote about our fun just a few weeks ago.

I’m not going to rehash what he already described very well. In fact I’ll give you a tidbit to entice you:

Given what they had told me, I intended to focus on Brian at first. I wanted to differentiate myself from the run-of-the-mill men who were fine with letting Brian blow them if that was the price for fucking Elle. I was not one of those bisexuals, not at all. I wanted them to feel I was in this for both of them.

“Fuck,” I groaned, taking my face from Elle’s. “God, look at him. He’s devouring me.”

Elle rested a hand on my chest. “He’s so fucking hot,” she repeated, her voice raspy. Brian looked up to her eyes, gurgling his response into my cock. His drool collected on my body.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back. My body was theirs.

Elle ran her hands down my torso, bringing her lips to my nipples. I twitched as the ran her tongue along my skin, her movements as soft as her boyfriend’s were urgent. I curled and bucked as she found her way to my belly.

I sat up, taking Brian’s head in my hand. “Brian, man, you’re so great. But now I need to get my dick in your girlfriend.”

Go read the rest and then come back here, okay? So, yeah, I got to experience a true New York monument. Later that afternoon, we had an awesome meal at Katz’s and I got to show Jay (Brian) Central Park.

The next morning I woke up with a souvenir that perhaps Jefferson didn’t know he was leaving. He left out the part of the story where he tortured my nipples and bit my thighs until I was screaming. I got to enjoy the sight of little purple bruises on my thighs for several weeks afterward. You can’t put a memento like that on the mantle but if sure as fuck beats a snow globe.

(And speaking of travel, if any of you live in Thailand, Malaysia, or Singapore, the Ellie and Jay bisexual fucking road show extravaganza is going to acquire some international flair this December and January!)

As I was reading Sofie Shaw’s piece in Peeq today, I realized that I’ve heard this story before. From what I read on the internet sometimes, it seems that I’m the only person having successful threesomes. Every hip magazine or weblog by jaded city dwellers tells us, adamantly, that it isn’t really that fun and then the writer shares a personal story about a mortifying threesome.

Listen, I know that some threesomes are mortifying. And I’ve had a few that were on the awkward end of the spectrum. But it is possible to fuck your young, hip friends en masse and have fun memories of it.

Ellie’s Tips for A Successful Threesome

1. Contrary to popular belief, MMF threesomes can be fantastically fun without either of the guys being bisexual. My first threesome was a situation like this and while it takes a bit of multitasking on the part of the woman, it is doable. But, you have to talk to your partners ahead of time and figure out what people are cool with. This doesn’t have to be done in a health class “what are your limits” sort of way. Just talk dirty with people and figure out where things might go.

2. Don’t be drunk. Most of the shitty threesomes I read about are someone’s drunken idea. I will admit that I’ve had group sex while intoxicated but the idea and plan was usually there in advance. This is key. Be sober when you decide to have group sex and if you need a bit of social lubrication to get things moving, that is the time to partake, modestly.

3. Don’t expect the stars and moon. I didn’t even come during my first several group sex experiences. Especially when you are in a committed relationship, it can be hard to get there with something new going on. Personally, I don’t measure the quality of sex by orgasms so I still think that those experiences were incredibly hot. They were just different than some one-on-one sex that I’ve had. The pacing is completely different and that can throw some people off, or you can just go with it and enjoy.

4. Fuck people not experiences. I think that if you go into group sex for the sake of checking a fantasy off your list, you might be unhappy with the outcome. I spent a lot of time on shitty adult dating sites trying to find people for group sex. And they were slimy and lame. When my endeavor turned into fucking people that I want to fuck, suddenly I started having more fun. I slept with a hot grad student, a few bloggers, and several friends that I’ve always been attracted to. On a related note, fuck the people around you. You’d be surprised who is up for “swinging” when you start being honest about your proclivities with your friends.

I’d love to hear from other people with successful group sex experience. Stand up, be proud, and repeat after me “I’m young, I’m hip, and I’ve had fun while having a threesome!”

I can never resist the opportunity to quote Meat Loaf.

Jay and I had a lot of fun in New York this past weekend. There were three particular things that I planned to do and accomplished:

1) Get cupcakes from Billy’s Bakery
2) See Shortbus
3) Meet Jefferson

Two of those things left me quite pleased. One of those things was dissapointing. More tomorrow, but you can toss out guesses for the moment.

So, I decided on an asian menu: steamed dumplings, edamame, summer rolls, a chicken and eggplant spicy stirfry over noodles, and my special ginger cosmos. As for what happened after dinner, I’m going to do something I don’t normally do and post a chat log. Feel free to ask follow-up questions as I didn’t even begin to cover it all.

[11:18] lumpesse: squeeeee!
[11:19] vinnietesla: The Chinese Menu was a success, huh?
[11:19] lumpesse: yeah yeah yeah
[11:19] lumpesse: holy crap, I have no idea how to write about this
[11:20] lumpesse: this is the reason that I haven’t written about the threesomes yet
[11:20] lumpesse: they sound like logistical impossibilities
[11:22] vinnietesla: And yet!
[11:22] lumpesse: like if I read porn that described the stuff we were doing last night, I’d be like, “bullshit, genitals don’t line up that way”
[11:22] vinnietesla: Ooh!
[11:23] vinnietesla: Wow!
[11:23] vinnietesla: Now you’re being a tease!
[11:23] lumpesse: haha
[11:23] lumpesse: okay, want the story from the top?
[11:23] lumpesse: (jay says, “I’m not sure we’d know who was the top”)
[11:24] lumpesse: So, they came over, we ate, I’m an excellent cook, blah blah blah
[11:24] lumpesse: we sit around after dinner having wine and ginger cosmos, I get pretty tipsy
[11:24] lumpesse: I think everyone is except jay who doesn’t drink
[11:25] lumpesse: we’ve been talking about sex for awhile, it gets quiet and I finally go, “so, who wants to play spin the bottle?”
[11:25] vinnietesla: Okay.
[11:25] vinnietesla: Hee!
[11:25] lumpesse: no one even says much, everyone just scoots their chairs back and jacob grabs the empty wine bottle from the bar
[11:25] lumpesse: and we all march into the bedroom, giggling
[11:26] lumpesse: I’m apparently spilling my drink during this process
[11:26] vinnietesla: You don’t recall, huh?
[11:26] lumpesse: No, I do
[11:26] lumpesse: but someone had to point out to me that I was spilling
[11:26] lumpesse: and I was all, ‘oh, so I am, oops’
[11:27] lumpesse: luckily I stopped drinking then
[11:27] vinnietesla: Okay.
[11:28] lumpesse: so spin the bottle
[11:28] lumpesse: we started with traditional rules until everyone had made out a few times
[11:28] lumpesse: (when I was a kid it was just a kiss but times they are a-changin’)
[11:29] lumpesse: then we decided to up the ante and the person that spun got to remove an article of clothing from the person they landed on while making out with them
[11:29] vinnietesla: Okay.
[11:29] lumpesse: boys making out is fun to watch, fyi
[11:29] lumpesse: anyway
[11:30] lumpesse: once everyone was naked, the game lost its utility and we all got on the bed
[11:30] lumpesse: (I don’t know how)
[11:30] lumpesse: and then fucked in a plethora of bizarre combinations for like, 2 hours
[11:30] lumpesse: that is where my narrative breaks down
[11:31] lumpesse: notable firsts included me and sylvia both being DPed for the first time
[11:31] lumpesse: me eating her out
[11:31] lumpesse: watching boys go at it
[11:31] lumpesse: jacob had never sucked cock before, etc
[11:32] vinnietesla: Oh wow!
[11:32] lumpesse: lol
[11:32] vinnietesla: That’s a nice lineup of firsts.
[11:32] lumpesse: have I actually impressed you?
[11:33] vinnietesla: You’ve done a bunch of stuff I hain’t.
[11:33] lumpesse: I like to imagine you as someone that has done everything I have a million times before.
[11:33] lumpesse: it worked so well, too
[11:33] vinnietesla: Not so hardly.
[11:33] vinnietesla: The foursome or the imaginary vinnie?
[11:33] lumpesse: the foursome
[11:34] vinnietesla: I’m curious how the DP was.
[11:34] lumpesse: the sexiest thing was probably jacob fingering me while he fucked sylvia and she was sucking jay’s cock
[11:34] lumpesse: and her and I were kissing on occasion
[11:35] lumpesse: I feel like I need a stick figure drawing to demonstrate this stuff
[11:35] lumpesse: the DP was interesting.
[11:35] lumpesse: I think that sylvia liked hers more than I liked mine
[11:35] lumpesse: I was basically over-stimulated by that time
[11:35] lumpesse: it was pretty hot, though
[11:36] lumpesse: I’d want to try it again for sure
[11:36] vinnietesla: Cool.
[11:36] vinnietesla: What size bed do you have?
[11:36] lumpesse: omg, I only have a full
[11:36] lumpesse: I can’t believe it operated
[11:37] lumpesse: someone was basically off the bed at most times in terms of doing something from the sides
[11:37] lumpesse: but still
[11:37] lumpesse: actually, right in the beginning we had basically just swapped partners and were all on the bed next to each other
[11:38] lumpesse: I think I’m just going to publish this IM convo instead of trying to write about this
[11:38] vinnietesla: I think that’s a great approach–
[11:38] lumpesse: So, ask any more questions that you have ;)
[11:38] vinnietesla: My father taught me a wonderfully dumb trick for breaking through a writing roadblock:
[11:39] vinnietesla: You just write “So what I’m trying to say is…” and go from there.
[11:39] vinnietesla: And then go back later and erase the preface.
[11:39] lumpesse: very true
[11:39] vinnietesla: Had you played with a chick before?
[11:39] lumpesse: I’d only kissed girls
[11:39] vinnietesla: Was it at all uncomfortable watching jay with another woman?
[11:40] lumpesse: no, it was hot
[11:40] lumpesse: Actually, one of the sexiest things I saw was her being DPed
[11:40] lumpesse: because I was pretty exhausted at that point and just watched
[11:41] lumpesse: Oh and after I came the first time I needed a breather
[11:41] lumpesse: so I got up and grabbed my new crop and walked around giving everyone swats with it
[11:41] lumpesse: and handed her my paddle so she could do some hitting too
[11:42] vinnietesla: Sounds like the atmosphere was largely sensual rather than BDSM-y, though.
[11:42] vinnietesla: New toys notwithstanding.
[11:42] lumpesse: yeah, definitely
[11:43] lumpesse: everyone was doing some biting and hitting but it was going in almost every direction
[11:43] lumpesse: more indicative of our collective tastes in someone rough sex than anything else
[11:44] vinnietesla: Yeah.
[11:44] lumpesse: jacob is sort of alpha male and I did find myself pretty overcome with the urge to top him a bit
[11:44] vinnietesla: How did decision-making flow–
[11:44] lumpesse: I got the crop out with his ass in mind
[11:44] vinnietesla: like, when you got DP’ed, was that your project?
[11:44] vinnietesla: Cute!
[11:44] vinnietesla: I sympathize with that impulse to top the toppy.’
[11:45] lumpesse: I think jacob brought it up - just something like “so, ellie and sylvia both have a fantasy that requires two cocks, who is up first?”
[11:45] vinnietesla: Hee!
[11:45] lumpesse: It was sylvia’s first group sex with multiple guys
[11:45] vinnietesla: In general, was there a ‘plan’ like that, or did you just all take care of yourselves.
[11:45] lumpesse: previously it had been other girls
[11:45] vinnietesla: Uh huh–
[11:45] lumpesse: everyone just sort of did stuff
[11:46] vinnietesla: It appears to be MMF week for some reason.
[11:46] lumpesse: jacob was sort of on fantasy patrol, making suggestions
[11:46] vinnietesla: Converstaions are turning that way all the time.
[11:46] lumpesse: it was really hot this time since the guys were touching each other and there was another girl
[11:46] vinnietesla: How much bisexual experience did they have?
[11:47] lumpesse: I felt a little less overwhelmed than when it was just two guys
[11:47] lumpesse: she had a lot and he had a little
[11:47] lumpesse: whereas for jay and I it is switched
[11:47] lumpesse: so that worked out well
[11:48] vinnietesla: I’m confused–
[11:48] vinnietesla: jay had been with other guys before?
[11:48] lumpesse: yeah, he had boyfriends for ages, he identified as ‘gay’ for a long time
[11:48] lumpesse: but it has been almost 10 years
[11:49] lumpesse: he was considering himself straight for awhile but since we’ve met he has revised to bisexual
[11:49] vinnietesla: I didn’t know that!
[11:49] lumpesse: now you do!
[11:49] vinnietesla: True dat.
[11:49] lumpesse: (I love your exclamation points, they let me know I’ve done well)
[11:50] vinnietesla: So do you see this staying essentially sexual, or is there potential for romantic involvement.
[11:50] vinnietesla: Why thank you.
[11:50] lumpesse: I’m really not sure.
[11:50] vinnietesla: Aren’t they impressively errect?
[11:50] lumpesse: I see it remaining as a sexual friendship for sure.
[11:51] lumpesse: I’m not even sure how romantic involvement would work for a group.
[11:51] lumpesse: I guess I’m still old fashioned in thinking of it as something that happens between pairs even if there is overlap in the pairs
[11:52] vinnietesla: well, there’s truth to that.
[11:53] lumpesse: But I could see myself becoming romantically interested in either of them or both
[11:53] vinnietesla: After all, any group involvement is composed of a set of pairs,
[11:53] lumpesse: right
[11:53] vinnietesla: when e and b and i were getting entangled for a couple weeks,
[11:53] vinnietesla: when e soured on b that was the end of that.
[11:53] vinnietesla: weakest link and all that.
[11:53] lumpesse: I can see that
[11:54] lumpesse: I’d think in our case the strong links would be in the two established couples
[11:54] lumpesse: obviously
[11:54] vinnietesla: Of course.
[11:54] lumpesse: if either of those came into jeopardy the whole thing would sour pretty badly
[11:54] vinnietesla: I had some interesting conversations on a message board with a guy in a double marriage.
[11:54] vinnietesla: He refers to his wife, his girlfriend, and his boyfriend,
[11:54] vinnietesla: You can extrapolate from there.
[11:55] lumpesse: okay, that makes sense
[11:55] lumpesse: I could conceptualize two parallel committed relationships where everyone is sort of dipping into the other track from time to time
[11:56] lumpesse: it that makes sense
[11:56] lumpesse: but for now, all I know is that they can come over for dinner whenever they want
[11:56] lumpesse: ;)
[11:59] vinnietesla: Hee!
[12:00] vinnietesla: “More dinner parties like that one please!”
[12:00] lumpesse: seriously
[12:00] vinnietesla: You’ve had a pretty eventful year or so.
[12:00] lumpesse: insanely
[12:01] lumpesse: I’ve gone from one sex partner to seven during this calendar year
[12:02] vinnietesla: As in lifetime record?
[12:02] lumpesse: right
[12:03] vinnietesla: Impressive!
[12:03] vinnietesla: I think six new partners a year was the criterion S gave me to keep my slut license current.

Several months ago Jay and I were lamenting that we can’t find another couple that is like us. Young, relatively smart and funny, into kinky sex, and in some kind of open relationship. Sure, I have a lot of friends that are in great relationships. They are probably even having excellent sex. They sure don’t talk about it as much as I do but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately, they’re only having that sex with their partners.

Monogamy is an excellent decision for some people but it isn’t one that we’ve chosen. However, finding like-minded playmates and friends has proven challenging. We primarily come across middle-aged couples that are into the swinging scene. I’ve tried to get to know them and work things out but I always come away from my exchanges thinking that it would just feel awkward. I have this image of J and I showing up at a bar to meet people the age of our parents and, well, feeling like kids. That isn’t to say that I don’t have fantasies about sex with older men but at my age, someone in their late 30s is considered “older”. The couple dynamic seems to amplify the age difference for me as well. We’ve desperately wanted to meet some other people like us that we can be friends with and perhaps fool around with on occasion.

Well, we think we’ve found them.

The other day, Jay met a girl online. The girl had a boyfriend. They thought of themselves as polyamorous and desperately wanted to meet another couple their age. Is this set-up sounding familiar yet? Sylvia and Jacob seemed to be shockingly like us and Sylvia and Jay were already hitting it off. We made arrangements to get drinks together a few nights ago.

We met at one of my favorite bars, the one with the excellent jukebox. We managed to snag the comfy back room that is a converted bank vault. Before long we were all musing aloud on whether or not we could get away with closing the vault door and make use of the comfy couches. Unfortunately, I had papers to write back at home - nothing happened. But what joy at finding people like us. We could talk about kinky sex without scandalized looks or embarassment. We all had things in common music, hobbies, Jacob and I even lived in the same dorm a few years ago.

The next day a flurry of instant messages confirmed what we all had already figured out - there was a big old four way crush in the works.

So, tomorrow night Sylvia and Jacob are coming over for dinner and a wholesome game of Spin the Bottle.

What should I cook?

Seriously, I’m stumped. I need a menu for a sexy dinner party and I need it fast. Don’t let me down, dear readers.