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Last week I went on 3 first dates. The earliest of them was also a last date, the next was moderately successful, and the last of them hurts a bit to think about. Allow me to explain.

Date #1
I agreed to take a study break to meet Charlie outside my office in campus. He was a graduate student as well, although in a different department. It didn’t feel right. He was married, I wasn’t that attracted to him, I made out with him anyway. I knew I couldn’t/shouldn’t/wouldn’t do it again but lacked the spine to say so. Instead, I let him finger me, felt dirty and told him over instant messenger a few days later that I didn’t want to see him anymore.

Date #2
I had been talking to Martin online for months and months. He is in an open but not quite polyamorous marraige (I need to write down my thoughts on the differences in the future). We met for drinks, flirted, took a nice walk. He kissed me and then I kissed back. Then we kissed some more before fooling around in my car. It didn’t feel too dirty then but it does a bit now.

Date #3
Noah captivated me a few months ago. We chatted online for awhile and shared a lot of common interests. By the time we met, I had developed a serious crush on him. The sort of infatuation that is reminiscent of high school. I should have taken that reminiscence to be prophetic and guarded myself a bit - I never had much luck with romance in high school. Noah and I sat at the bar nursing single beers for over 3 hours then walked back to our cars together. I mustered the courage to grab his hand and he didn’t seem to mind. I didn’t know if I could come up with the courage to kiss him.

So, instead I told him that I wanted to be kissed. He told me to come up with the courage myself. It took a few moments of maneuvering and nuzzling to get there but I managed. It was one of the most terrifying leaps I’ve taken in awhile and I wonder now if it was the correct move.

He kissed back, passionately, moving his soft lips over my face and neck. Burying his face in my cleavage and nibbling and my skin. Hands in my hair. Lips on mine. Squeezes everywhere. Tongues dart - sighs released. Some sort of giddy high that I don’t feel often washes over me and I stop to stare in his eyes, to play with his hands, to brush his hair away from his face and drink him in.

It all felt very very mutual.

In many ways it was.

But, we won’t be doing it again.

Regret isn’t the word to describe how I feel but trepidation, anger, anxiety all spring to mind. The fear of hurting this vital, gorgeous, sensitive man keeps me in check. But the need for self-preservation keeps me at a distance.

So, I decided on an asian menu: steamed dumplings, edamame, summer rolls, a chicken and eggplant spicy stirfry over noodles, and my special ginger cosmos. As for what happened after dinner, I’m going to do something I don’t normally do and post a chat log. Feel free to ask follow-up questions as I didn’t even begin to cover it all.

[11:18] lumpesse: squeeeee!
[11:19] vinnietesla: The Chinese Menu was a success, huh?
[11:19] lumpesse: yeah yeah yeah
[11:19] lumpesse: holy crap, I have no idea how to write about this
[11:20] lumpesse: this is the reason that I haven’t written about the threesomes yet
[11:20] lumpesse: they sound like logistical impossibilities
[11:22] vinnietesla: And yet!
[11:22] lumpesse: like if I read porn that described the stuff we were doing last night, I’d be like, “bullshit, genitals don’t line up that way”
[11:22] vinnietesla: Ooh!
[11:23] vinnietesla: Wow!
[11:23] vinnietesla: Now you’re being a tease!
[11:23] lumpesse: haha
[11:23] lumpesse: okay, want the story from the top?
[11:23] lumpesse: (jay says, “I’m not sure we’d know who was the top”)
[11:24] lumpesse: So, they came over, we ate, I’m an excellent cook, blah blah blah
[11:24] lumpesse: we sit around after dinner having wine and ginger cosmos, I get pretty tipsy
[11:24] lumpesse: I think everyone is except jay who doesn’t drink
[11:25] lumpesse: we’ve been talking about sex for awhile, it gets quiet and I finally go, “so, who wants to play spin the bottle?”
[11:25] vinnietesla: Okay.
[11:25] vinnietesla: Hee!
[11:25] lumpesse: no one even says much, everyone just scoots their chairs back and jacob grabs the empty wine bottle from the bar
[11:25] lumpesse: and we all march into the bedroom, giggling
[11:26] lumpesse: I’m apparently spilling my drink during this process
[11:26] vinnietesla: You don’t recall, huh?
[11:26] lumpesse: No, I do
[11:26] lumpesse: but someone had to point out to me that I was spilling
[11:26] lumpesse: and I was all, ‘oh, so I am, oops’
[11:27] lumpesse: luckily I stopped drinking then
[11:27] vinnietesla: Okay.
[11:28] lumpesse: so spin the bottle
[11:28] lumpesse: we started with traditional rules until everyone had made out a few times
[11:28] lumpesse: (when I was a kid it was just a kiss but times they are a-changin’)
[11:29] lumpesse: then we decided to up the ante and the person that spun got to remove an article of clothing from the person they landed on while making out with them
[11:29] vinnietesla: Okay.
[11:29] lumpesse: boys making out is fun to watch, fyi
[11:29] lumpesse: anyway
[11:30] lumpesse: once everyone was naked, the game lost its utility and we all got on the bed
[11:30] lumpesse: (I don’t know how)
[11:30] lumpesse: and then fucked in a plethora of bizarre combinations for like, 2 hours
[11:30] lumpesse: that is where my narrative breaks down
[11:31] lumpesse: notable firsts included me and sylvia both being DPed for the first time
[11:31] lumpesse: me eating her out
[11:31] lumpesse: watching boys go at it
[11:31] lumpesse: jacob had never sucked cock before, etc
[11:32] vinnietesla: Oh wow!
[11:32] lumpesse: lol
[11:32] vinnietesla: That’s a nice lineup of firsts.
[11:32] lumpesse: have I actually impressed you?
[11:33] vinnietesla: You’ve done a bunch of stuff I hain’t.
[11:33] lumpesse: I like to imagine you as someone that has done everything I have a million times before.
[11:33] lumpesse: it worked so well, too
[11:33] vinnietesla: Not so hardly.
[11:33] vinnietesla: The foursome or the imaginary vinnie?
[11:33] lumpesse: the foursome
[11:34] vinnietesla: I’m curious how the DP was.
[11:34] lumpesse: the sexiest thing was probably jacob fingering me while he fucked sylvia and she was sucking jay’s cock
[11:34] lumpesse: and her and I were kissing on occasion
[11:35] lumpesse: I feel like I need a stick figure drawing to demonstrate this stuff
[11:35] lumpesse: the DP was interesting.
[11:35] lumpesse: I think that sylvia liked hers more than I liked mine
[11:35] lumpesse: I was basically over-stimulated by that time
[11:35] lumpesse: it was pretty hot, though
[11:36] lumpesse: I’d want to try it again for sure
[11:36] vinnietesla: Cool.
[11:36] vinnietesla: What size bed do you have?
[11:36] lumpesse: omg, I only have a full
[11:36] lumpesse: I can’t believe it operated
[11:37] lumpesse: someone was basically off the bed at most times in terms of doing something from the sides
[11:37] lumpesse: but still
[11:37] lumpesse: actually, right in the beginning we had basically just swapped partners and were all on the bed next to each other
[11:38] lumpesse: I think I’m just going to publish this IM convo instead of trying to write about this
[11:38] vinnietesla: I think that’s a great approach–
[11:38] lumpesse: So, ask any more questions that you have ;)
[11:38] vinnietesla: My father taught me a wonderfully dumb trick for breaking through a writing roadblock:
[11:39] vinnietesla: You just write “So what I’m trying to say is…” and go from there.
[11:39] vinnietesla: And then go back later and erase the preface.
[11:39] lumpesse: very true
[11:39] vinnietesla: Had you played with a chick before?
[11:39] lumpesse: I’d only kissed girls
[11:39] vinnietesla: Was it at all uncomfortable watching jay with another woman?
[11:40] lumpesse: no, it was hot
[11:40] lumpesse: Actually, one of the sexiest things I saw was her being DPed
[11:40] lumpesse: because I was pretty exhausted at that point and just watched
[11:41] lumpesse: Oh and after I came the first time I needed a breather
[11:41] lumpesse: so I got up and grabbed my new crop and walked around giving everyone swats with it
[11:41] lumpesse: and handed her my paddle so she could do some hitting too
[11:42] vinnietesla: Sounds like the atmosphere was largely sensual rather than BDSM-y, though.
[11:42] vinnietesla: New toys notwithstanding.
[11:42] lumpesse: yeah, definitely
[11:43] lumpesse: everyone was doing some biting and hitting but it was going in almost every direction
[11:43] lumpesse: more indicative of our collective tastes in someone rough sex than anything else
[11:44] vinnietesla: Yeah.
[11:44] lumpesse: jacob is sort of alpha male and I did find myself pretty overcome with the urge to top him a bit
[11:44] vinnietesla: How did decision-making flow–
[11:44] lumpesse: I got the crop out with his ass in mind
[11:44] vinnietesla: like, when you got DP’ed, was that your project?
[11:44] vinnietesla: Cute!
[11:44] vinnietesla: I sympathize with that impulse to top the toppy.’
[11:45] lumpesse: I think jacob brought it up - just something like “so, ellie and sylvia both have a fantasy that requires two cocks, who is up first?”
[11:45] vinnietesla: Hee!
[11:45] lumpesse: It was sylvia’s first group sex with multiple guys
[11:45] vinnietesla: In general, was there a ‘plan’ like that, or did you just all take care of yourselves.
[11:45] lumpesse: previously it had been other girls
[11:45] vinnietesla: Uh huh–
[11:45] lumpesse: everyone just sort of did stuff
[11:46] vinnietesla: It appears to be MMF week for some reason.
[11:46] lumpesse: jacob was sort of on fantasy patrol, making suggestions
[11:46] vinnietesla: Converstaions are turning that way all the time.
[11:46] lumpesse: it was really hot this time since the guys were touching each other and there was another girl
[11:46] vinnietesla: How much bisexual experience did they have?
[11:47] lumpesse: I felt a little less overwhelmed than when it was just two guys
[11:47] lumpesse: she had a lot and he had a little
[11:47] lumpesse: whereas for jay and I it is switched
[11:47] lumpesse: so that worked out well
[11:48] vinnietesla: I’m confused–
[11:48] vinnietesla: jay had been with other guys before?
[11:48] lumpesse: yeah, he had boyfriends for ages, he identified as ‘gay’ for a long time
[11:48] lumpesse: but it has been almost 10 years
[11:49] lumpesse: he was considering himself straight for awhile but since we’ve met he has revised to bisexual
[11:49] vinnietesla: I didn’t know that!
[11:49] lumpesse: now you do!
[11:49] vinnietesla: True dat.
[11:49] lumpesse: (I love your exclamation points, they let me know I’ve done well)
[11:50] vinnietesla: So do you see this staying essentially sexual, or is there potential for romantic involvement.
[11:50] vinnietesla: Why thank you.
[11:50] lumpesse: I’m really not sure.
[11:50] vinnietesla: Aren’t they impressively errect?
[11:50] lumpesse: I see it remaining as a sexual friendship for sure.
[11:51] lumpesse: I’m not even sure how romantic involvement would work for a group.
[11:51] lumpesse: I guess I’m still old fashioned in thinking of it as something that happens between pairs even if there is overlap in the pairs
[11:52] vinnietesla: well, there’s truth to that.
[11:53] lumpesse: But I could see myself becoming romantically interested in either of them or both
[11:53] vinnietesla: After all, any group involvement is composed of a set of pairs,
[11:53] lumpesse: right
[11:53] vinnietesla: when e and b and i were getting entangled for a couple weeks,
[11:53] vinnietesla: when e soured on b that was the end of that.
[11:53] vinnietesla: weakest link and all that.
[11:53] lumpesse: I can see that
[11:54] lumpesse: I’d think in our case the strong links would be in the two established couples
[11:54] lumpesse: obviously
[11:54] vinnietesla: Of course.
[11:54] lumpesse: if either of those came into jeopardy the whole thing would sour pretty badly
[11:54] vinnietesla: I had some interesting conversations on a message board with a guy in a double marriage.
[11:54] vinnietesla: He refers to his wife, his girlfriend, and his boyfriend,
[11:54] vinnietesla: You can extrapolate from there.
[11:55] lumpesse: okay, that makes sense
[11:55] lumpesse: I could conceptualize two parallel committed relationships where everyone is sort of dipping into the other track from time to time
[11:56] lumpesse: it that makes sense
[11:56] lumpesse: but for now, all I know is that they can come over for dinner whenever they want
[11:56] lumpesse: ;)
[11:59] vinnietesla: Hee!
[12:00] vinnietesla: “More dinner parties like that one please!”
[12:00] lumpesse: seriously
[12:00] vinnietesla: You’ve had a pretty eventful year or so.
[12:00] lumpesse: insanely
[12:01] lumpesse: I’ve gone from one sex partner to seven during this calendar year
[12:02] vinnietesla: As in lifetime record?
[12:02] lumpesse: right
[12:03] vinnietesla: Impressive!
[12:03] vinnietesla: I think six new partners a year was the criterion S gave me to keep my slut license current.

I’m sure you’ve all been waiting eagerly to find out about my coffee date with The Prof. Well, I was waiting eagerly at least.

Let me set the scene. We met at a nearby coffeeshop that I frequent regularly. Occupants included a former DJ at the radio station and a current grad student in English. I quickly ignored my concerns - it is just coffee, right?

The first hour or so we talked about mutual interests (literature, music, teaching). I found him funny, engaging and attractive. Then the conversation turned to me and I feared that I would shock him with my sexual lifestyle and proclivities as I described this blog, my podcast, phone sex work, my relationship, and my preferences. I talked a lot, perhaps too much.

Finally, the conversation turned to the situation at hand. And the ethics and emotions surrounding it. I was somewhat amazed by his level of consideration and thought in the decision he was making. No apologies or excuses. Perhaps I’ll write an entry soon on the ethics of adultery because it is something I have been thinking about a lot. I left the coffeeshop knowing that the Professor was about to embark on a very personal and life-affirming journey. Like many risks, it is not one without selfishness. But, I was convinced of the purity of his motivations and the desire that lay behind them.

When I got home, J and I had a long conversation about my coffee date and continued to hash out and digest what I had witnessed and learned. I realized that the reason I date other people is just what the Professor described: excitement, trepidation, flirting, desire. I went to bed with a hopeful heart (not to mention some very dirty thoughts) after sending him an email letting him know I’d love to see him again.

This afternoon (when I was nearly done writing this entry) I received a reply. The Professor thanked me for my time and conversation, he shared that he had a lot of thinking to do. He also wrote that he suspected I was ambivilent and didn’t think we should see each other again.

I wish I could say I was shocked, but I’m not. I guess the awkward moments that I found to be pregnant with sexual tension were just awkward, afterall. Sometimes you jump in with two feet and get what you want, but sometimes those moments of hesitation and second-guessing can shipwreck our intentions. I’m not the type of woman who looks a man in the eyes and says, “I think I’d like to make love to you.” I also don’t think that this experience will make me become one. However, I suppose I’ve learned my lesson that candor and resolve can make all the difference. That lack seems to be the crux of my present disappointment.

. . . Is that a lot of the smart people have something to do with the University. Today, I received a mildly clever and interesting response to my AdultFriendFinder account. I replied by giving my screen name that I use for that purpose and didn’t think much more of it. Imagine my shock when I got an IM to that screen name from the radio station that I work at. The person quickly introduced themselves as the guy from AFF. He had no idea who I was.

I scrambled for the radio and just caught him announcing. Fuck fuck fuck. I recognize him as a philosophy professor that sometimes does shows during the summer. So, I’m presented with an ethical problem. I know a big secret about him (conspiring to cheat on his wife) and he doesn’t have any clue about me. I bit the bullet and decided that he was at much higher risk than I and told him who I was. I was expected a flurry of embarassment, backtracking, and begging for mutual secrecy.

It wasn’t that simple. The Prof didn’t seem phased too much and kept hitting on me. This had me floored but surprisingly intrigued. It seems deliciously dirty to have an affair with a professor (even if he isn’t from my current department).

We’re having coffee tomorrow.

Too bad he isn’t the one I wrote this about.

Sitting at the dining table at the Bed and Breakfast on the third and last morning of our stay, J and I reflected on our vacation and enjoyed the pecan waffles. We saw a bunch of museums, a pretty botanical garden, and an excellent concert. We also ate at some good restaurants and had a satisfying amount of excellent sex.

As we fell quiet, concentrating on our waffles, I noticed J fiddling with something in his pocket.

I didn’t think anything of it, perhaps he was checking for his wallet or re-arranging his keys.

The fiddling continued.

I looked on with curiousity as he pulled some money out of his wallet, selecting a crisp 5 dollar bill, and laid it flat on the table between us.

He looked into my eyes with a sort of earnestness and intensity that I’ve only seen a few times before and made a proposition.

“I’ll give you 5 dollars for your other sausage.”

The man liked the sausage that much. I obliged as no link of sausage is worth 5 dollars to me.

What should I do with my 5 bucks?

I thought that finally fucking someone else would make this blog way more interesting. It probably would if I could be assed to write about it. Computing hasn’t been a high priority lately and the semester at school started so I’m a few weeks behind on email and blog comments. The bits of podcast I have recorded are going obsolete so I have to scrap my draft for Bedroom Radio #10 and come up with something else. Enough whining, whats been going on? Well. . .

The past week and a half has been really exciting and fascinating. Laying my head in J’s lap with my cell on speakerphone while we both talk to C (and they make fun of me together) was probably the surreal highlight of the week. J and I have been spending a lot of time together getting to know eachother and I’ll be the first to admit that a bulk of that time has been spent in bed.

I get the distict feeling that he is totally in awe of me, which is a remarkable place to be in a relationship. The sex has been entirely fantastic and such a whirlwind that I’m hard-pressed to focus on one particular incident. Although, if I had to pick, being tied up with thirty feet of black rope probably tops the list - I suspect he would concur.

One of the best things about J is that he, like me, seems content to dissect and talk about sex ad infinitum. We’ve spent many a happy hour with our limbs tangled up, my head on his chest, doing the instant replay of what just went down between us. Sure, we were both there but I like saying things like, “You had the sexiest look on your face when you were biting my nipple.” I also like hearing things like, “You made a great noise when I brushed my finger over your clit.” We usually keep up this dialogue about the sex that just transpired until we both get turned on again.

Can this work out? Is it too good to be true? Do I deserve the affection of two wonderful men at the same time? For now these questions batter my psyche almost constantly but I just keep talking to C and J about how I feel. In turn they keep shocking me with their kindness, empathy, and love. Could I be the luckiest girl in the world? I’m not sure but I defy you to present me with someone happier.

As you know I’ve taken a few days to figure out what to write here. Before I write it, I need to establish a few facts that some readers might know and some might not.

1. I was a virgin when I met C and had basically never been touched by a man before. Kisses during spin the bottle in middle school were more or less the extent of it.

2. Because of this, I have changed a lot sexually in the time that I’ve been with C (3 and a half years now).

3. He and I have decided that our relationship doesn’t need to be monogamous to be lasting as long as we communicate. At this point it doesn’t seem like he is that interested in other partners (my libido is *way* stronger than his).

Okay, with that exposition out of the way, I can tell my news.

I met an amazing man and between Monday and Wednesday we spent an awful lot of time together and it was completely delicious. I’m having a lot of trouble deciding which facts to tell you about J and what details to relay because so much seems significant. So, I’ll start at the beginning of our first date and go from there.

J and I had planned to meet up at a dessert place as we had both already eaten dinner at home. To be quite honest, the first bit of time together felt awkward. But it felt awkward in a very good way. The nervous tension didn’t seem to come from having nothing to say to eachother but rather way too much and struggling with which words should make it out of our mouths. So, I did what I usually do in a situation like that. I put my mouth on auto-pilot in order to thrust the conversation forward. Of course my voicec gets high and nervous and I speak too quickly but given a mundane subject (”all about my cats”, “specific details of a meal I ate in Turkey”, “why people in my library science classes are idiots”, etc.) I can craft a nearly endless stream of speech to fill any conversational lull. Doesn’t it sound charming?

Amazingly, J thought it was charming and mistook my anxious verbal diarhea for intelligence. When the restaurant closed up, we didn’t want to part for the night and moved onto a bar and then another bar which we managed to close out. I want to make it clear at this point that alcohol had no impact on our evening. I had one drink in 2 hours at the first bar and sipped a drink at the second but forgot about it and left it more or less full. I was just too engaged in the conversation to pay attention to my cocktail.

After closing time at the bar, the night should have been over. Isn’t 6 hours plenty of time for a first date? No, it isn’t. We walked around the area for a moment, sitting down by a fountain and talking about where we could go next. Despite being January, it was incredibly warm outside, probably in the low fifties. So, I grabbed his hand and declared that I would take him on a walking tour of campus. J is relatively new to the area and hadn’t seen the campus before - I’ve been a student here for over 5 years and know the stories about all of the pretty 200-year-old buildings. We walked around holding hands forestalling the inevitable. I felt like there was electricity running through my body and my voice was audibly catching as I ran through the campus facts that I could conjure.

As we stood on the steps of built-in-the 1960s totalitarian monstrosity of a classroom building, I gestured to the dorm I lived in my freshman year. He was holding my hand and standing very near to me and I don’t know if he was looking at me or the building as I pointed out the illuminated roof and the revolving restaurant on top. My words ran out of steam as he began tracing his fingertips across the palm of my hand. I could feel my heart beating in my chest and was sure that it was so loud he could hear it as well. Just when the moment became too nervously delicious and unbearable to go on, he pulled me to him and kissed me.

I’d like to say there were immediate sparks and it was perfect and wonderful but I’m not quite there yet. As much as I had been waiting for that kiss, it sent my brain into a spin. My mind was going crazy for the first two minutes as I processed my reality, “Oh god,” I thought, “I’m kissing someone and it isn’t C. This isn’t how things are supposed to go! Shit, it feels sort of numb like kissing does in dreams. Why isn’t my body reacting to this? What is wrong? Maybe there isn’t chemistry between us after all! J’s lips feel different. Should I stop kissing him?”

It is no wonder that I couldn’t enjoy the kiss at first with all of these thoughts swirling through my head. And then the tension cracked. I don’t know what happened to cause it. Perhaps J pulled me closer or caressed my hair. He did something that pulled me out of my solipsistic internal monologue and reminded me to my body again. And here my body was, standing in the moonlight in the arms of an incredibly sexy and charming man and his mouth was on my mouth and it felt wonderful. I told my thoughts to shut up, I moaned into his lips and I melted.