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I went to camp last month and had a very important time. It took several weeks for the bruises to fade but I’m still processing the self-discovery.

I entered camp strongly suspecting that it would be my last foray into non-monogamy for awhile. Incidentally, I didn’t have a lot of sex. I spent most of my play time getting punched and beaten by lovely people. I also made some personal connections that I hope will persist.

No one has asked me to be monogamous but after being pretty roughed up in my last relationships, I’m starting to think that polyamory and all that goes with it aren’t what I want right now. This means something big. My darling Jay and I are no longer “together”. I invoke the scare quotes because we are together still in many ways. We share a home, although he now moved into the other bedroom. We share a life, although we no longer make long-term plans for the future together. And we share many laughs and that part needs no caveat. I’m lucky to still have a best friend and supporter even if our romantic partnership is dissolved.

I know many of you poly folk think that sex and passion ending isn’t a reason to end a relationship. And I think that if Jay and I had a mortgage or children tying us together we’d make the best of it and have other lovers while keeping maintaining the basics of our life together as a priority. However, we don’t have those things. We just have an amazing friendship that isn’t going anywhere soon. And I suffer from some pretty old-fashioned ideas about having a home and a life with someone that I do have a romantic relationship with. And monogamy. I’m getting more conservative, I suppose, in my old age.

So at camp I tentatively said goodbye to some things that are important to me but I’m pretty committed to my involvement with this community. I don’t know if complete sexual monogamy is something that I’ll stick to (although it is working just fine at the present, thank you) but I do know I’m strictly devoted to the idea of one relationship at a time.

Dear reader, I can hear the collective groans as you assume that I’m about to get intensely boring. Honestly, I think this blog has been pretty boring for months. I’m hoping to get back to writing more often in the hopes of keeping myself engaged with my own sexual journey and sharing the excitement of my burgeoning romance with Mr. Vanilla. I want to tease out the significance of what I’m doing in that it is a choice I’m making for myself and with my eyes wide open and I hope to show that fucking in single file doesn’t have to mean boring.

January – Jay and I started the year by celebrating our 2nd anniversary together. If you want to refresh on how we first met (and the aftermath of that) you’ll have to look back to January of 2006. We were in Thailand for half of this month and pretty depressed to back in the US again. So, you didn’t hear from me again until. . .

April – Where I attended Sex 2.0 and had a fire lit under me. I started a Twitter account, got involved with FetLife, and relaunched my podcast. I finally realized that I was part of a community and felt like I belonged.

May – I started reviewing products on my podcast and blog for VibeReview.

June – I spent a lot of time thinking about sex work in both text and audio forms. I also got sort of pissy and ridiculous about blogging and met Artemis Hunter for the first time.

July – I had my first freelance work published in The Naughty American and dug up some old camwhore shots. I also experienced a bit of heartbreak, but it turned out a great piece of writing if I do say so myself. I also got tied up by Artemis and finally hooked up with Carmine who had previously only been known as “cross-dressing law student“. Finally, I began publishing the Musings on Masculinity series.

August – The biggest news and one of the happiest days of my last several years was telling my dad about my “secret identity”. I’m still basking in the joy of that moment as I remember it. Also in July, Jay and I got to know Hania much better.

September – I was named #5 on the list of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2008 among started a bajillion other projects. We also went to Dark Odyssey Summer Camp which was a watershed event for me despite the fact that I haven’t talked about it too much. I also presented at the Fetish Fair Flea Market and got to meet Catalina and Marky for the first time.

October – The posts slowed down and the earth stopped moving because something remarkable happened. We met Ariel and Michael and fell in love and my feet still haven’t touched the ground. At first I could only express the feelings in music. But. . .

November -  . . . soon I found more detailed words and images to express my thoughts. I captured the unique sadomasochistic relationship that Michael and I have developed as well as the experienced of being fucked by Ariel for the first time. And the sexy gave way to the mundanely profound as we found ourselves forming a type of family, broken hollondaise and all.

December – Ariel starts lending a hand with reviews and I think that the format suits this site. Jay and I also visited New York and saw tons of the friends that we met through the year. I also spent a sedate Birthday and Hanukkah at home with my new chosen family.

We have been home from Dark Odyssey Summer Camp for two weeks now and I haven’t said much about it. I’ve been processing my thoughts but I have a list of posts that I want to write about the experience. A lot happened there. I met Wendy, a longtime blog friend that is even more awesome when you get to see her in person. I got to spend time with my dear, sweet Viviane who is one of the most comforting and lovely people I’ve met in a long time. I also got to meet many new friends and take classes and workshops with remarkable presenters and educators.

Despite the plethora of experiences that I did have, I am going to start with one that I didn’t. A gangbang.

It was Sunday afternoon, laying around in the pool, that I got the idea that I wanted to have a gangbang. Just by merit of timing, the idea was already ill-fated but Jay tried to organize it for me. Needless to say, most people had pretty full dance cards and getting that many cocks to convene in one place at camp was, well, not going to happen.

But, in the spirit of better luck next time, let me tell you a bit about what I have in mind.

I want to be violated by multiple people in a way that is really quite beyond my control. I first got a taste for this during our playful threesomes with Ian. He and Jay often pin me down and tickle me and molest me. It is fun and sexy and I struggle, giggle, and moan. But what if I screamed and cried and begged them to stop? It could go either way. The reality is that I have two tall, strong men pinning me down and doing what they want to me.

I got to thinking that I really love this, the feel of my muscles straining against their power. Knowing that I can’t get away, can’t stop it from occurring. The ability to let go because there is nowhere else to go. Sure, I’m a rope slut and I like bondage of all sorts but actually being restrained by another person, unable to fight them off, is a totally different thing.

Suddenly the attention is divided. I can’t just think about the hand mauling my pussy or the teeth biting my nipples but instead have to focus on the fingers wrapped around my arm, squeezing tight enough to bruise. Or perhaps the knees pressed against my thigh, forcing my legs apart so that my unwilling wetness is revealed. And they can’t just focus on what they are doing to me, their animalism has to come out and it becomes just as much about the struggle as the sex.

The idea of multiple people making this happen for me, taking turns pinning me down and keeping my subdued while their companions touch me in every way they can imagine is an overwhelming urge. They can be faceless and nameless. I could be blindfolded or not. The details, the humans involved don’t matter. I am interested in arms and hands, mouths and cocks just as they should not be interested in me in this moment, just my sex, just what my warm and wet holes can offer them.

Fantasies like this are scary to some people. The lack of consent is alarming. There are feminists that would have some choice (or perhaps condescending) words for me. But it is mine and I own it. And I look forward, perhaps too eagerly, to the day that I can make it a reality.

These posts are an experiment in time travel. I wrote them and scheduled them ahead of time. But, I should still have access to comments and Twitter messages. This is the last of these posts as we’ll be driving home on Monday and hopefully you’ll hear from me by Tuesday.

Today is the last day of camp activities and it promises to be a full one.  I’ll be attending classes on flogging among some other topics related to pain.

I’m starting to realize that I like thuddy pain more than stingy pain but I still want to learn how to use a flogger. What kind of pain works for you?

In honor of ouch, here are some of my favorite posts about erotic pain (more specifically, spanking):

Thoughts On Spanking

A Reluctant Spanking

These posts are an experiment in time travel. I wrote them and scheduled them ahead of time. But, I should still have access to comments and Twitter messages.

One of the big opportunities of camp are the huge parties that promote sexual expression and group interraction. Basically, I am hoping for an orgy today and I think it just might happen.

So, tell me about  your favorite group sex experiences. Were they good? Bad? Still just fantasies?

After that, how about reading some of my old posts on group sex. Here are a few favorites:

Threesomes Don’t Have to Suck

I Don’t Write Porn, I Just Do It

These posts are an experiment in time travel. I wrote them and scheduled them ahead of time. But, I should still have access to comments and Twitter messages.

Today I will get to go to classes by two women that I admire deeply. Lolita Wolf and Nina Hartley – this is an incredible opportunity.

If you could meet a sex idol who would it be? What would you ask them about?

I’m thinking back to when I met many of the women in sex education and writing that I really admire at Sex 2.0 this last April. Here are the old posts I wrote about that:

Everything I Need to Know In Life I Learned at Sex 2.0

Bedroom Radio #14 – Sex 2.0 and a Spanking

These posts are an experiment in time travel. I wrote them and scheduled them ahead of time. But, I should still have access to comments and Twitter messages.

Today, we are driving from Richmond, VA to camp.  We should be arriving in time to set up our things in the cabin and attend a class on the G-spot. There is a cuddle party tonight.

The cuddle party makes me think about my own makeout party. Why not take a look at these old posts:

Makeout Party

No Stephanie Tanner Allowed