Tomorrow night I have a pretty fabulous play date. I am blissfully in the dark about what will be happening to me. However, I know there will be rope skillfully applied by a brilliant artist. There will also be a wicked sadist, giving a generous dose of pain. I’ve been asked to bring my toy bag as well so I know there will also be some delicious vibrations.

Am I nervous about being left in the dark? Well, a little bit but I’m also beside myself with excitement. So here I am, ass out, waiting for the first swat and expecting to be taken but not knowing where.

I’ve been keeping this blog for ages now (at least in blog years 3.5 is a really long time). It means a lot to me, it has enriched my life, introduced me to amazing people, taught me new things. I have confidence that I never had before and community to be a part of.

The interesting thing is, that it wasn’t until Sex 2.0 that I really felt *part* of that community. I always felt like an onlooker or even interloper. I still don’t feel like I’m one of the “hip” bloggers with lots of comments (although that has been picking up) and sitting on everyone’s blogrolls.

Part of it is because I don’t play the game. But I don’t think it is a bad game at all – I just feel so uncomfortable asking for recognition. But I am going to do it now.

Rori at Between My Sheets is compiling a list of the best Sex Bloggers of 2008. You know what, I sort of think I deserve to be part of that list. No, fuck it, I do deserve it, I’m proud of what I do and I can think of a 100 or 200 other people that are also deserving but I am going to ask you, my reader, to consider me.

So, come out of hiding for a moment, if you are one my clients and I’ve touched your life, a passing reader that likes my thoughts or my pictures, another blogger that respects me, do me a solid today and tell her about it.

All she wants to know is a few words about why you think I’m deserving. Even as I type this I wonder if I am and if I should even publish this post, but I am going to. I’m also linking to some of my proudest moments on this blog – the posts I have loved that I think you will love too.

(Note: All my comments before April of this year were lost when my site crashed. I have them but I’ll have to restore them by hand and I haven’t had the time to. If you want to re-populate any of these posts, feel free.)

Slipping Into Something More Comfortable (October of 2005)
Bedroom Radio #5 (October of 2005)
A (Reluctant) Spanking (December of 2005)
Tangled Up (January of 2006)
Women Can Be Sick Fucks Too (April of 2006)
Black Dicks In White Chicks (June of 2006)
The First Threesome (August of 2006)
Rope Bondage Images (September of 2006)
Loose Women (February of 2007)
Sex On the Beach (May of 2007)
Threesomes Don’t Have to Suck (September of 2007)
Tease (October of 2007)
What About Masculinity (April of 2008)
Desire Beyond Reason But Within Bounds (April of 2008)
Thoughts On Spanking (May of 2008)
What About the Johns? (June of 2008)
Are You A Sex Blogger or A Sexy Blogger? (July of 2008)

Download Episode #18 of Bedroom Radio

In this episode I interview Artemis Hunter, a fantastic rope artist from Atlanta, GA and review the very powerful Silver Bullet vibrator from Vibe Review.

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Email: bedroomradio@gmail.com
Voicemail: 206-339-5939
Website: bedroomradio.blogspot.com
Blog: www.lumpesse.com
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Sex Toys and Vibrator Reviews at VibeReview

We had a casual friendship, discussing the horrors of the online BDSM dating world. We flirted, lightly and without real motivation or goals. Honestly, I didn’t think much about Jude when I wasn’t talking to him. I don’t think he thought much about me – it was just your standard online acquaintanceship.

Then something shifted. I told him about Marc and the disappointment I felt about him. I told him about these new things I was longing for, how it scared me and excited me at the same time. He perked up.

Suddenly, I found myself thinking about Jude. Thinking about hearing from him, thinking about turning him on, thinking about pleasing him. But mostly thinking about some inevitable moment when we would be in the same room and we would know if it had all just been talk and fantasy.

That moment hasn’t come yet.

There are a lot of ways in which Jude isn’t my type. He is more conservative than I am. He can be condescending. I don’t think he is particularly reliable.

But I hunger for him and to please him. His voice penetrates me and controls me. At no suggestion of his, I find myself moved to the corners of my most taboo and violent fantasies. Turned on and tuned into ideas that would otherwise scare me or repulse me or both.

I just told Jude that I am writing about him but I don’t know how the story ends. Anyone that knows me knows that I usually thrive on this sort of tension. But today it just feels like a dull pain – a longing that may not ever be fulfilled.

Very spankable tushy courtesy of Retro Raunch

I’ve been thinking a lot about kink lately. I’ve spent many a happy moment in the last week with my ass in the air receiving lovely swats at it from Jay. And that feels good, I like the pain and the sting. I like the noise and the opportunity to cry out. I love the way that my ass wiggles with each thwack and I can feel the sensation travel through me, jostling my body and making me wetter.

Then I get philosophical, does this make me a masochist? Am I just enduring the sensation for the thrill of the accomplishment? Or perhaps just because it translates to the tingling arousal that washes over me. When we distill it all down to sensations, what is so different about a loving caress and a hard, firm smack? If they accomplish the same thing and make me feel the same way are they any different?

Most people would lean towards one of two answers for this quandary. The first response would be that being bent over and spanked is an act of submission. Even if I’m not tied up or calling him Master or any of the other trappings that might come with it. Certainly I see this argument, the position is vulnerable and helpless. While there isn’t punishment going on, I feel controlled perhaps by the pain or maybe by the pleasure. But I am under a spell in those moments. The problem here is that all pleasure is submission by this regard. And if staring at my ass and whacking it hard is a sensation that Jay enjoys (he does!) then who is really submitting? We are both giving ourselves over to pleasure, both enjoying the activity, neither truly passive or wholly active.

So, if I am not being submissive in this moment, perhaps I am being humiliated in some way. Indeed, spanking brings people back to childhood, to memories of punishment and shame. Enjoying spanking is a conflicted lot, and produces strong taboos and triggers for many people. But what if I don’t feel this shame? What if my childhood spankings take no hold on me when I am, joyously, waiting for each thud on my rear?

Again, that leaves us with sensation. Each nerve acting in turn sending signals of pleasure and pain to the brain. Sometimes twisting along the way. The sound emits from the meeting of skin on skin and the ragged protests and gutteral moans and sharp cries that come out of my body. Can it be transcendent if I am not submitting, if I am not humiliated? If we are just two equals sharing pleasure and pain and the shock of something wholly different and unexpected?

I think I am pretty happy realizing that this might not be about dominance and submission at all. Or at least it doesn’t have to be. Those of you that are happy spankers and spankees, share your ideas with me on this!

So, I am known for my anger and rage that is directed at most dating sites. I don’t usually fare much better on social networks. However, I have an exception to that rule (as of this moment at least).

I learned about FetLife while I was at Sex 2.0 and I signed up when I got home. Honestly, I’m really impressed. Even really angry people are impressed.

The founder of the site is engaged with members and seems to go out of his way to make things work. The site is smooth, runs quickly and doesn’t have a bunch of useless features that no one uses.

Honestly, it just works and the people seem to work as well. So, join up and find me (username: ellie_lumpesse) and we can totes be friends in kink and depravity (as if we weren’t already!)

I’ve been threatening to write this post for awhile. It has been on the tip of my tongue, ready to come out. But I’ve been utterly unaware of what I want to say. You, dear reader, are a passive bystander to this, not the participant that I desire in this moment.

Instead, this post is for myself, it is a discussion with my own brain. But there is someone else at stake as well, there is Marc.

Who is Marc? Well, thanks for asking. The simple answer (and really the whole answer) is that he is a friend. One with a conflict and one that has me conflicted.

Lets imagine for a moment and perform a philosophical exercise. Are you with me? First we need to establish the preliminaries that you may already know. I like sex, I like exploration, I’m a junky for the excitement of a new relationship, and . . . I feel something new lately. A desire to submit. I don’t want a collar or a leash or for anyone to call me slave. I don’t want to pretend I am being captured by a pirate or call someone Master or start capitalizing pronouns inappropriately. No, I want to submit.

But I only know what that doesn’t mean not what it does mean. I am sure there are some of you out there biting your tongues. You are perfectly prepared to tell me what it means and how I should do it and with whom, where, and for how long. Honestly, and with the most respect in the world, and all of the love that I have for you, shut the fuck up. I know that was pre-emptive and bitchy and cruel but I can be all of those things and this is something I need to figure out for myself.

Oh, thats right, I was telling you about Marc. He is a sarcastic asshole, he has cats, he has been smacking pretty girls on the ass (and hard) for the past 20 years and he spends a lot of time in conflict. He worries if he is a misogynist because he looks at a woman that he cares about and respects and he shows her that by causing her pain and lording over her. He doesn’t feel like this helps him attract very healthy women.

Why would I want to get involved with that? Good question. I wish I had a complete answer. Perhaps it is just alluring to me and mysterious and I am wanting to chart new territory and experience new adventures. But, I want to think it goes beyond that.

When Marc talks, I want to listen. I am not docile or submissive but, instead, receptive. Accepting and learning and analyzing. He doesn’t think he is perfect and he doesn’t want me to think that he is, in fact the faults that I see make him more attractive because I think that we could teach things to each other.

There is something else, though, the problem or the solution (depending on how you see it). He is brutal. And brutality is beautiful in that eerie abstract way but do I want brutality acted out on the curves of my body? Branded onto me in the form of welts and bruises? Will it take me somewhere new, will it teach me something?

I don’t know that it will do good things for me, all I know is that I want it. I want him. My intelligent brain takes the things that he says and wraps them up into a neat package and attempts to set them aside as too extreme, too intense, too real. My gut steals them away, sequesters them next to the root of my desire and parcels them out beyond my will where my toes curl and my blood pulses and my mind rings with curiosity and longing.

And so I am left with my conflict and it occupies my mind in the quiet moments. And he will see this and know better than to think it is a love letter but it may put his mind in motion as well.

Download Episode #14 of Bedroom Radio

Holy Cow! It is a new episode of Bedroom Radio!
Wherein I:
Talk about the sexy sexy parts of Sex 2.0
Play a great song by the Magnetic Fields (lyrics)
Get a serious spanking

Our websites:
Bedroom Radio – bedroomradio.blogspot.com
Ellie’s Blog – www.lumpesse.com
Ellie’s Twitter – www.twitter.com/ellie_lumpesse
Jay’s Blog – eternalapprentice.blogsome.com

Questions, comments, cock shots? lumpesse (at) gmail.com

People and things mentioned in the show:
Amber Rhea
Melissa Gira
Sex 2.0
Regina Lynn
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Kimberlee Cline
Cunning Minx
Sakura Sarashi
Mistress Maeve
Viviane
Furry Girl
Match