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I have a pretty personal investment in this next set of responses because they come from Jay, my amazing lover, best-friend, and companion. There are a lot of people that blog in isolation from their romantic partners and that makes me sad. I deeply treasure the honesty we share and the fact that he loves all of me, unconditionally. I am lucky for that.

Jay is an incredibly special person and his answers here were not news to me. But reading them has made me feel closer to him. His memories and recollections are, like many of the men I have featured, heart-breaking, thought-provoking, and raw.

When was the first time you remember being aware of masculinity? How old were you? What was the cultural climate or influence?

My earliest childhood memories (ages 2-3) are of my father physically abusing my mother. The ensuing conversations that transpired between my mother and I told me in no uncertain terms all of the negative traits that made a man.

Growing up with a single mother and 2 sisters I never really trusted any men enough to let them have a positive effect on my view of masculinity. As a child I was more submissive and feminine than most of my peers and certainly less masculine than my tom-boy sister.

Do you think of yourself as masculine? Why or why not?

Now I feel a lot more masculine than I did as a child, but I’m still a very passive person in general.

I know that many people have read about my sexual experiences online and have commented to the effect of “You’re such a man, you know what you want and you go after it.” Of course they don’t know me and the fact that I am a kind, shy, passive, gentle person (or at least they look over those facts as I do try to write about them).

How does your masculinity relate to your sexuality (be it your orientation, preferences, or expressions)?

I’m the quiet, shy, rebellious type (wait, is there a type like that?). I look for any way I can to play with people’s traditional concepts whether it is family values, religion, or sexuality/gender. My orientation is bisexual, although right now I’m swinging back toward heteroflexible.

In kink play, BDSM, and parties I prefer to dress up as a woman and take a dominant role (which is a lot of fun since I have a very full beard). At a recent party I was dressed as Jackie O and spent most of my “play time” whipping the bejesus out of a tiny little woman in front of a rather large audience… if that gives you any idea ;)

This is the back of the harness that Artemis put on me. She did beautiful weaving on the back so that I would be able to lay down on it and not have any knots digging in.

After getting the harness in place I was molested. Significantly. Implements used included a violet wand, an e-stim kit, a Hitachi, and wax that was melted using a blow torch.

After 3 hours had passed, she set me free. The rope marks were beautiful.

I have a lot of things to say about what happened last weekend. I had a play date with Artemis Hunter and a wicked sadist that involved upwards of 4 cases of sex toys and kink props. I was a demo bottom for Artemis during her class on predicament bondage. We ended the weekend by attending an amazing play party where Jay cross-dressed and was molested by half a dozen pretty girls while I got to try my first full suspension. This post is just the first think I felt like writing about. The picture is what I wore under my clothes at the demo and what I was stripped down to.

We arrived early and were waiting patiently for things to begin when Artemis walked up to me with a red collar in her hand.

“I was wondering if you wanted to wear this play collar for today?”

I didn’t think much about it and agreed readily. She fastened it on me and went back to preparing her things.

The collar felt a bit tight but it wasn’t choking me. I don’t normally wear things on my neck so I was just aware of it all the time.

It seemed that other people were aware too. I was sitting with Jay and as we met people or talked to friends they all did something peculiar. They looked at him for approval before speaking to me. One woman that I had talked to online and was looking forward to meeting shook my hand and started to hug me before stepping back and asking his permission.

We must have looked confused and stunned and then I put it together. The collar.

I’ve never been in any sort of master and slave relationship and I don’t particularly intend to. The collar was just for show, a costume. And if it bound me to anyone (for the next few hours at least) it was Artemis. I quickly explained all of this. She hugged me.

I respect the decision that people make to live in 24/7 dynamics but it isn’t one I can fathom. Additionally, anyone that knows me, knows that I bristle at protocol. I respect it and keep quiet at appropriate moments but it isn’t something that I choose to practice.

So, other kinky folks, share your experiences of this with me. Do you wear a collar? Maybe just for play? Have you run into unexpected assumptions of protocol from friends and acquiantances in the scene?

We met for drinks a few months ago and then schedules got tight and new jobs were started and we lost touch. Carmine found me again a few weeks ago, telling me that he wanted to see me.

So we met for drinks and talked about school and teaching and the law. We also talked about lubes and blogging and the joys of rope and electro-sex. I’m attracted to Carmine but the conversation wasn’t sexy, it wasn’t flirtatious, it just was.

He asked me back to his place so I texted Jay to make sure it was alright. It was. I knew that something might happen but I wasn’t expecting it. Carmine is sweet and self-effacing. He has a slight Boston accent that makes my pussy twinge when he says words like “car”. I couldn’t, for the life of me see him making the first move.

He did. Standing in his living room he grabs me and kisses me. He leads me to the bedroom and begins taking off my clothes. We tumbled around on the bed for awhile kissing and groping. At one point he paused, excusing himself to go to the bathroom. I posed myself so that I would look effortlessly sexy when he came back in the room. On my stomach, legs bent and crossed at the ankles with feet in the air. He came back in the room and slid on top of me, caressing my back with his body and kissing the top of my head. I felt his cock pressing against my ass and I wiggled a bit as I looked over my shoulder at him.

“You have a baseball bat next to your bed.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you afraid of intruders?”

“No, it helps me think.”

I look at him quizzically.

“It is a guy thing,” he explains, “it is phallic.”

I smirk and decide to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is grinding against me and kissing my shoulders. He asks me what I want and I shoot the question back at him. So, he tells me he wants to fuck me and spanks my ass. Too softly.

I tell him I want to fuck him too but he’s going to have to hit harder. He does.

So we fuck.

Yeah, I know, I always skip that part. Here, let me give you some highlights. He slides into me and his cock is thick and hard and I squeeze him. His eyes widen a bit and so do mine. He pins my hands beside my head. He squeezes my wrists hard and it hurts and I really love it. I scream, a lot. Obscenities, sacrilegious prayers, and incomprehensible things. Throughout it all, Carmine retains a placid and contemplative look on his face. I smile and he smiles back but he is already smiling. I wonder if there is some joke that I am missing. And as his cock slams me, sometimes too hard and too deep. So aggressively that I have to remind him that my cervix is there, he still smiles. I wonder if this has something to do with the baseball bat.

So, we finish and I bite my lip and steal a quick glance at him. I giggle a bit. I’m not being myself so much as an approximation of myself. It is okay, he might know this or it might be too complex for the moment or he might not even care. I ask him to explain the baseball bat again. He picks it up and shows me. He is laying on his back next to a puddle of ejaculate with a baseball bat in his hands and my naked body slung partially over his. He looks a bit like he owns the world. He holds the bat like he is expecting a pitch and moves it back and forth a bit. I duck and giggle. He explains that he’s never even played baseball on a team and he isn’t that big of a fan. It just works. He tousles my hair and asks if I want a cigarette.

I tell him that I’ve never had a cigarette after sex before. Maybe it is too much of a cliche. He gives me an incredulous look. Law students are apt to smoking and Carmine knows that when I’m having a drink, I’m prone to a cigarette or two. I tell him that I’ve probably fucked smokers before but the cigarette never came up. He tells me it can’t be beat.

We slide back into our clothes and walk out on the porch and talk about evolutionary biology and have a smoke. He isn’t lying, it is a really good cigarette. The night is hot and exceedingly Southern he tells me that he hopes that now that we’ve gotten the preliminaries out of the way, we can get more adventurous next time.

Oh, thats right I left out some details. I met Carmine because he likes cross dressing and taking it in the ass from girls with strap-ons. He is also perfectly capable of spanking me and pinning me to the bed while he fucks me hard. Interesting how people and their sexualities aren’t just one thing. My life and relationships would be much too boring if that were true.

Tomorrow night I have a pretty fabulous play date. I am blissfully in the dark about what will be happening to me. However, I know there will be rope skillfully applied by a brilliant artist. There will also be a wicked sadist, giving a generous dose of pain. I’ve been asked to bring my toy bag as well so I know there will also be some delicious vibrations.

Am I nervous about being left in the dark? Well, a little bit but I’m also beside myself with excitement. So here I am, ass out, waiting for the first swat and expecting to be taken but not knowing where.

I’ve been keeping this blog for ages now (at least in blog years 3.5 is a really long time). It means a lot to me, it has enriched my life, introduced me to amazing people, taught me new things. I have confidence that I never had before and community to be a part of.

The interesting thing is, that it wasn’t until Sex 2.0 that I really felt *part* of that community. I always felt like an onlooker or even interloper. I still don’t feel like I’m one of the “hip” bloggers with lots of comments (although that has been picking up) and sitting on everyone’s blogrolls.

Part of it is because I don’t play the game. But I don’t think it is a bad game at all - I just feel so uncomfortable asking for recognition. But I am going to do it now.

Rori at Between My Sheets is compiling a list of the best Sex Bloggers of 2008. You know what, I sort of think I deserve to be part of that list. No, fuck it, I do deserve it, I’m proud of what I do and I can think of a 100 or 200 other people that are also deserving but I am going to ask you, my reader, to consider me.

So, come out of hiding for a moment, if you are one my clients and I’ve touched your life, a passing reader that likes my thoughts or my pictures, another blogger that respects me, do me a solid today and tell her about it.

All she wants to know is a few words about why you think I’m deserving. Even as I type this I wonder if I am and if I should even publish this post, but I am going to. I’m also linking to some of my proudest moments on this blog - the posts I have loved that I think you will love too.

(Note: All my comments before April of this year were lost when my site crashed. I have them but I’ll have to restore them by hand and I haven’t had the time to. If you want to re-populate any of these posts, feel free.)

Slipping Into Something More Comfortable (October of 2005)
Bedroom Radio #5 (October of 2005)
A (Reluctant) Spanking (December of 2005)
Tangled Up (January of 2006)
Women Can Be Sick Fucks Too (April of 2006)
Black Dicks In White Chicks (June of 2006)
The First Threesome (August of 2006)
Rope Bondage Images (September of 2006)
Loose Women (February of 2007)
Sex On the Beach (May of 2007)
Threesomes Don’t Have to Suck (September of 2007)
Tease (October of 2007)
What About Masculinity (April of 2008)
Desire Beyond Reason But Within Bounds (April of 2008)
Thoughts On Spanking (May of 2008)
What About the Johns? (June of 2008)
Are You A Sex Blogger or A Sexy Blogger? (July of 2008)

Download Episode #18 of Bedroom Radio

In this episode I interview Artemis Hunter, a fantastic rope artist from Atlanta, GA and review the very powerful Silver Bullet vibrator from Vibe Review.

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We had a casual friendship, discussing the horrors of the online BDSM dating world. We flirted, lightly and without real motivation or goals. Honestly, I didn’t think much about Jude when I wasn’t talking to him. I don’t think he thought much about me - it was just your standard online acquaintanceship.

Then something shifted. I told him about Marc and the disappointment I felt about him. I told him about these new things I was longing for, how it scared me and excited me at the same time. He perked up.

Suddenly, I found myself thinking about Jude. Thinking about hearing from him, thinking about turning him on, thinking about pleasing him. But mostly thinking about some inevitable moment when we would be in the same room and we would know if it had all just been talk and fantasy.

That moment hasn’t come yet.

There are a lot of ways in which Jude isn’t my type. He is more conservative than I am. He can be condescending. I don’t think he is particularly reliable.

But I hunger for him and to please him. His voice penetrates me and controls me. At no suggestion of his, I find myself moved to the corners of my most taboo and violent fantasies. Turned on and tuned into ideas that would otherwise scare me or repulse me or both.

I just told Jude that I am writing about him but I don’t know how the story ends. Anyone that knows me knows that I usually thrive on this sort of tension. But today it just feels like a dull pain - a longing that may not ever be fulfilled.