The first Gender Celebration Carnival is complete but the conversations begun are still carrying on. Some amazing writers participated in this first event and I hope that more will jump in next time. In case you missed any of the posts, here is a complete list of the authors and their posts over the past two weeks. Go check them out and add to the conversations that have begun. If you want to participate in the next Carnival, stay tuned as I will be posting about it shortly.

Neamhspleachas – What Makes Gender

Dangerous Lilly – Labels – Being Politically Correct and Queerly Correct

Eusi Mto – Gender Anarchy and Gender Equality

Curvaceous Dee – What Makes Me A Woman

Sexpert Jane Blow – Are My Nipples Getting the Correct Signals

Sinclair Sexsmith – Living Gender

Ellie Lumpesse – My Take On Masculinity

How amazing was I at karaoke last night? Well, I had two backup dancers, 1 backup singer, and someone playing air keyboard behind me. Also, there were half a dozen lighters out. What? You thought I was just a sexual exhibitionist?

Good Vibrations was kind enough to send me a copy of the book, Toygasms: The Insider’s Guide to Sex Toys. I was excited to read this book and hopefully gain new information about choosing toys and using them in unique ways.

On a basic level, the book does just that. It provides a general overview of the types of toys available and describes material types as well as basics of playing with them. This book is definitely one that is geared towards beginners with toys so it starts from the premise of needing to convince your partner to play with them and needing to overcome personal embarrassment.

Now, there are certainly people out there that may have feelings of shame and embarrassment about sex toys but I’m not one of them. This irked me a little bit as I began reading but I was able to get past it to evaluate the information that was provided. And the information in this book is of good quality and reliable. However, there were some serious issues with it that ultimately turned me off pretty significantly.

Beyond the assumption of shame and negativity that the book started with, it also carries a strong assumption of heterosexual cisgender relationships. That assumption was one that I could not get past. A book like this has an opportunity to normalize a spectrum of sexual behavior, gender expression, and relationship styles by mentioning them as equally valid and Dr. Sadie Allison doesn’t choose to take that opportunity. The book is illustrated and the illustrations and text refer almost exclusively to hetero couples. The pictures of solo play depicted all depict female-bodied people. Even the chapter on anal play only has passing reference to the male prostate and otherwise assumes female-receptive anal sex. The only image in the book that depicts a same-sex couple is of two women in the section on double-ended dildos.

Beyond the huge blindspot of non-hetero sex, the book also has a somewhat obnoxious tone. Dr. Sadie Allison’s attempts to come off as playful and flirty end up sounding juvenile and embarrassing.  The jokes and puns all sound dorky and forced and they often come at the expense of complete information.

My final critique is the the book doesn’t make a single toy recommendation. Perhaps this is an attempt to appear neutral or keep the material up-to-date but some reference of particular toys and manufacturers would be an incredibly useful element that is simply not included.

In summary, Toygasms: The Insider’s Guide to Sex Toys, is a book that is stymied by inadequate scope. If you have no information whatsoever about sex toys at your disposal it might be helpful. But if you are sitting here right now, reading this review, you don’t fall in that category. With so much quality, specific, up-to-date, and gender-sensitive information available online, I can’t think of a reason to read a book like this. A great place to start, in fact, would be the Good Vibrations Magazine.

After Hania left town, I didn’t really expect to see her again. Sure, we discussed me coming for a visit to Syria but was that realistic? Then she was living in Prague and it seemed more possible but not probable that we might be in the same place again.

Nonetheless, she and I have kept up with each other. With each story of the Arab Spring, I think of her. I wonder if her family is well. I wonder if her activist friends are safe. I’m grateful that she is safely in Prague instead of being bold and loud and beautiful (and in danger) as I know she would be in Syria right now.

It sounds mundane, but we’ve maintained contact via Facebook. She comments on my posts and we chat briefly. Nothing special really. Then last night, she said, “My dear Ellie, I will belly dance at your wedding!”

I thought to myself, “Ah, wouldn’t that be nice. But this is just Hania being Hania. Too much beauty and love in and intention to be constrained by reality.”

But, it turns out that there was a great deal of truth to what she said. She followed up with a private message to me saying that she would be returning to the United States for her PhD. And not just anywhere but right here. At the University I work at. So, Hania will be near to me again and I am so hopeful to rekindle that friendship. She moved something in me that I’ve not quite felt before with another woman. Something I desperately wanted to feel with my ex-girlfriend Ariel but couldn’t because of all of the pain and stress of that situation. She felt safe, soft, sisterly but also so mysterious and sensual. I felt that I knew her but that I wanted to always be closer.

So, Hania will return here in a few weeks and I am looking forward to introducing Mr. Vanilla to her – I think they will get along quite well. And I hope she will let me tie her up again and that she and I will cook delicious, fragrant foods, and that she will teach me to belly dance. But I will be glad to just be near her.

As a femme, I think about masculinity primarily as something that I define myself in opposition to. However, as I reflect on the idea of “Living Gender” for this month’s Gender Celebration Carnival, I wanted to think about the way that the models for masculinity in my life have informed my personal gender identity.

A few years ago, I hosted a series of interviews called “Musings on Masculinity”. Due to my general flakiness as a blogger, I failed to ever complete the wrap-up post where I would tie threads together and describe some of my own perspectives on the questions. I did have a draft of this post going, though, and it has been nominated to be resurrected from my Dead Letter Office.

For me, the most influential model of masculinity in my life has always been my Dad.

So, who is he? He is a high school drop-out that served in the Navy. He had a stack of LPs that I raided as a teenager – everything from Meat Loaf to Lou Reed. He stood by my mother as she battled cancer and mental illness for the entire span of their marriage. He rode a Harley long before I was born but has never stopped talking about it.

Because my Daddy had been a sailor, he swore like one. At some point during my early teenage years, it became accepted in our house that I might curse and as long as the swear wasn’t directed at him, there wasn’t a consequence. The only memory I have of being told directly what a woman is or does by my father is this. One day I was recounting some story of pain or anger or injustice and it included a tirade of f-bombs. He quietly listened to me finish speaking and then, looking beleaguered, he said, “Ellie, that isn’t very lady-like.”

My Dad saw me as a loose cannon because I didn’t have a mother. I know he fretted over it and I know that for part of him, every date he went on after my mother died was an audition. Was this the woman that could raise his daughter? I know my father thought of his masculinity as a hindrance to being a good single parent. Faced with the prospect of raising a young girl on the cusp of adolescence alone, his gut reaction was to seek out reinforcements. He dated several women under the agenda of finding me a “female figure” in my life.

Through my teenage years, he trusted me implicitly. I know he always thought I was getting up to much worse trouble than I really was. But he wasn’t an authoritarian, rather he was respectful of my autonomy and unrelentingly proud of my accomplishments.

For all the ways my Dad is rough and tumble, his version of masculinity is one that is informed by honesty, respect, and fidelity. He is fiercely protective of those he loves but he also taught me to be strong beyond any limitations that were placed on me or my gender.

So, as I reflect on gender lately and my fear of the masculine elements of myself, I remember the parts that come from my Dad and I become more comfortable embracing and inhabiting them.

***

The Carnival will chug along on Thursday, July 7th with a post by Dangerous Lilly.  If you are interested in participating, see this post to learn a bit more. Then jump in! You can fill out the straggler entry form so that I can be sure to include you in the wrap-up at the end.

There are a bunch of great bloggers signed up to participate in this month’s Gender Celebration Carnival but there are still spots left. If you want to make a post on the theme and get it included in the round-up of posts so that we all know who is talking about “Living Gender”, please sign up.

That form states that sign-ups are open until today, July 1st, but I’m going to keep them open until July 3rd so that we can fill out the two week period of the carnival with awesome posts. So, if you want to claim a day to post on, get cracking!

Here are some of  the awesome bloggers already signed up:

Curvaceous Dee

Sexpert Jane Blow

Eusi Mto’s Toybox

Dangerous Lilly

Sugarbutch Chronicles

Neamhspleachas

If you aren’t sure what is expected of a carnival participant, please read the original call for submissions. It lays it all out for you. Then, after you get excited about how awesome things will be, sign right up!