Welcome back!

Engaging in successful poly relationships is definitely a challenge. I don’t think I knew just how much I had learned from them until I was happily back entrenched in monogamy. So, here are the things I’ve learned from being poly that I will carry with me for my entire life.

1. Passive-Aggression Will Get You Nowhere
Not saying what you mean, or saying it coyly, or saying the opposite doesn’t work in group communication settings. Guess what? It doesn’t work one-on-one either. I have this streak in me and I now try to nip that tendency in the bud ASAP. The best part of saying what I mean? Not having to get mad at someone that is technically following instructions I give them that are the exact opposite of what I want.

2. Watch Out For Your Needs
This might be more a function of the specific quad I was in but I think anytime your energy is getting stretched across multiple partners, it is easy to give too much. It isn’t selfish to figure out who you are and what you need and ask for it. If you are monogamous, getting all your relationship needs met falls onto the shoulders of one relationship. Be realistic but still aim high.

3. Pettiness Can Be An Important Indicator
The number one question that poly people are asked is how they handle jealousy. The number one reason people give for avoiding poly is thinking that they can’t deal with the jealousy. When I was poly I experienced jealousy and I don’t think it was always a bad thing. It retrospect, it was a red flag for other feelings of insecurity. Next time you are ready to dismiss a feeling you’re having as petty or irrational, give it another few moments of life. That doesn’t mean communicating with your partner in a petty or irrational way. It means stopping for a moment and digging into how it feels. Pain in your solar plexus? Stress? Even tears? Your body will lead the way in helping to diagnose this anxiety. Letting yourself really live through it will stop if from eating away at you. You might even find out how to talk about it and let it go.