Welcome back!

As I focus on some key transitions in my life, I’m nurturing a new relationship. When I first mentioned Mr. Vanilla I described him as not being emotionally available. While our connection has grown and solidified in the two months that we’ve been dating, we’re both hesitant to box it in with labels. Notably, for me at least, love can be a terrifying word. In my past, less healthy, relationships that emotion has represented a willingness to sell myself terribly short and subjugate my own needs and well-being in incredibly harmful ways. Feeling loved and loving has caused me to justify abandoning friendships or letting them languish, relinquish big pieces of my identity, or simply self-destruct.

However, being an idealist, love can’t only be a dirty word. And while Mr. Vanilla and I don’t utter those three little words that mean way too much and often very little, we do express our admiration in words and action.

He loves the way I run my hands over his back when we are close.

I love that he stops at odd moments to shoot a 1000 watt smile at me.

He loves how I can’t time my steps when I bowl and skitter up to the line only to stop and throw the ball awkwardly.

I love the rough reassurance of his voice as he utters lustful praise in my ear.

He loves the way I move in moments of passion.

I love his hand on the small of my back guiding me through a crowded sidewalk.

We haven’t been shy to share the things that we love about each other. Some are small and insignificant. Perhaps he only loves my giggle the way one describes loving chocolate ice cream. But praise and reassurance don’t rest on what words one uses to describe them. Rather, they circulate on a basis of trust, safety, and mutual respect.

As Mr. Vanilla and I both heal from past wounds and learn to be safe with our own selves again, I hope that we can lean on one another as friends, allies, and cheerleaders. But I feel safe in saying that I’ll not ask for or serve as a crutch.  If there are battles to fight or demons to tame, we each have our own weapons, ingenuity and strength to depend on. But in the peaceful intervening moments I do love having him near to reinforce and share in my joy and passion.