This is an interesting problem. For me it is turning out just the opposite: whatever untamed force resides within me that is decidedly ‘female’ is, apparently, very much a top, very aggressive and, while “beautiful” in the sense of how I am (sometimes) able to perceive myself, not “beautiful” at all in the usual sense of masculine. I was born a bio-male and like that part of me.

What do you do? How do you “deschool” yourself of gender? It takes time. You can practice: try “being male” (I leave it to your well honed sensibilities to pull on some ideas, but it might range from watching sports to putting on a jock strap to cinematic stereotypes). Dress male, breathe male. Don’t shower. Stop shaving. Swear. It’s a kind of perverse “fake it til ya make it” variant. IT won’t completely deschool you, but it might give you a nudge.

Then the fun might happen more easily.

Losing our fear is ALWAYS an uphill battle.

You can do this.

So, I don’t know. If you & Michael like roleplaying at all, try to figure out what roles vary the balance of the things you feel you’re conflating in your head: Who’s simultaneously more feminine and less submissive? (A whore conning her john out of money?) Who’s submissive but not worshipful? (The prisoner beaten into compliance?) Who’s both butch and seductive? (The lesbian convincing her gay friend to ‘experiment’?)

(Yes, I know, I like cheesy porn-plot scenes.)

Especially the feeling of masculine being ugly on me, the feeling of being “huge, ham-fisted, rough, and all-together ugly” in contrast to femme women.

I’d love to know if you figure out anything about all this.

Shadowedge