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We had a casual friendship, discussing the horrors of the online BDSM dating world. We flirted, lightly and without real motivation or goals. Honestly, I didn’t think much about Jude when I wasn’t talking to him. I don’t think he thought much about me - it was just your standard online acquaintanceship.

Then something shifted. I told him about Marc and the disappointment I felt about him. I told him about these new things I was longing for, how it scared me and excited me at the same time. He perked up.

Suddenly, I found myself thinking about Jude. Thinking about hearing from him, thinking about turning him on, thinking about pleasing him. But mostly thinking about some inevitable moment when we would be in the same room and we would know if it had all just been talk and fantasy.

That moment hasn’t come yet.

There are a lot of ways in which Jude isn’t my type. He is more conservative than I am. He can be condescending. I don’t think he is particularly reliable.

But I hunger for him and to please him. His voice penetrates me and controls me. At no suggestion of his, I find myself moved to the corners of my most taboo and violent fantasies. Turned on and tuned into ideas that would otherwise scare me or repulse me or both.

I just told Jude that I am writing about him but I don’t know how the story ends. Anyone that knows me knows that I usually thrive on this sort of tension. But today it just feels like a dull pain - a longing that may not ever be fulfilled.