My reservation had many roots, roots which stemmed from many sources. But paramount to my reservations was the fear that I would go too far, do something out-of-line, and scare and/or hurt her. To abuse the trust that I had been given. Being put into the position of such power can be overwhelming, and can cause a lot of anxiety. You are responsible for all of the actions. You are responsible for the excitement. And you are responsible if anything goes wrong. You have to work hard to balance on the knife’s edge of what is exciting without pushing over the edge that is too far, for both you and your partner.

That may be a bit much responsibility to give to C all at once. It was for me, and it cause quite a few problems at first. Only after a long time of talking about my reservations was I able to “let loose” and start to enjoy what I was doing. But I took a lot of convincing, since being a dominant is against all of what I’ve grown up believing; you never, EVER hit a woman. Act like a gentleman. Treat a woman with respect. Treat the woman you love with the upmost respect. Violence is abhorrent, especially against those weaker than you. Rape is unnacceptable; always.

Those beliefs are hardwired and hard to go around, even when someone is asking for and giving permission to do so. I was uncomfortable of degrading her, of hurting her, and of scaring her. And I was afraid of scaring myself.

I may be way off the mark, and none of this may have anything to do with C’s reservations. But these are issues that made me uncomfortable with those things that she really wanted from me, and only through a lot of talking, soul searching and reassurances did I finally open up and learn to enjoy the play. Trust is incredibly important for this to work, and self-trust is just as important. He has to trust you and to trust himself before this can become enjoyable.

Give him time and reassure him. Keep talking about it, and you may find that he may come around. And you might find that he has some suggestions that you may enjoy as well. This is, after all, a lot to ask for, so you have to take your time.

At that point it became to difficult for him to treat Me as the slave I had been. He also was starting to see the Dominant Woman I have morphed into. I know we both are bittersweet about the Master/slave time from our past.

I miss it, but know it can’t really ever be the same if we tried to go back.

I am glad though he enjoyed the idea of the spankings…

At least spanking is one of those things that can be both BDSM and simply erotic – a little something for everyone.

There seems to be a whole club of us kinky ladies with non-kinky partners. – ellie

Regarding the perennial problem of a partner not sharing our kink, sure there may be happy meeting grounds such as the one you describe above but it lacks the fire, the communication that borders on telepathy and that inhibits our ability to go as deep as we dare. I’m sure you would have plenty of offers if you sought a top/Dom outside your relationship but such encounters create many compromises.

My hope is that you and C find a way to enjoy your kink that doesn’t leave him feeling sullied and you disappointed. All the very best Ellie.

Thank you Magdelena, I appreciate your thoughts on this. I’m at a place right now where I want to make sure he is happy. I worry that we’ve maybe been focusing on me too much lately. Sex is complicated. – ellie

I’m very happy you got what you wanted for your birthday!

Thanks! – ellie